Advice

Thank you Martin, I’ve been told the same thing pretty much by family and I have to accept and move on or look to find a way, otherwise it will not help me. 
thank you, Nathan 

Thank you mccmcc, your assumption is likely correct, I spoke at length with my mum and for now it has helped. 
I have as many flaws as my wife, neither of us were perfect by any means, we’ve stuck together through all the ups and downs and I need to forgive and accept soon, otherwise as you say it’s too much  

I have a thought that I’m mulling over, I’m considering writing a note to her like has been suggested and to put this with her in the coffin, I would also like to give her my ring to take with her as I have hers. To ask for forgiveness for any hurt I have caused over our marriage and to forgive her too and see if that will help me, I need to give her the send off she deserves and not stall on the arrangements like I’ve been doing. 

thank you for your words and thoughts. 

Hi Nathan

I am sure you will give Rebecca a beautiful send off. I sent Ric off with a letter and his own wedding ring, he wanted to keep it. I still wear.mine.

I hope your daughter is ok. My daughter was a couple of years younger when she lost her own dad, my first husband, Ric was my second! She wrote him a poem and read it at the service. Don't forget how strong children are! 

Take care. We are all here too

Alison xxx

Hi Nathan

Your sincere and very brave post demonstrates that loving relationships, no matter for how long, have/had there problems. In our case I was the one who acted  wrongfully and despite Anne eventually knowing all , as I blurted it out one day during a row, the guilt never left me and still doesn't to this day. I had a very brief liaison with another woman after about 10yrs of marriage. Not an affair as such. I was very unhappy at the time. Anne fully forgave me and for the next 40yrs it was never mentioned again. I loved and still love my Anne to bits and she loved me. On one occasion during that time Anne said to me "I could have had my moment as well you know." I asked who he was but she would never tell me. I asked what happened and Anne said "Nothing. It was a look he gave me but I never allowed anything to go further." I totally believed her. Anne was a very honest and pragmatic lady.  I don't know to this day why Anne wouldn't tell me his name, perhaps it was a treasured moment in her life which was sacred to her, and I respect that. So you see Nathan us humans are complicated creatures and no one escapes difficult times in any relationship. I believe the hurt and uncertainty goes away when we can stop putting our loved ones on a pedestal and accept their humanity. I know my beloved Anne did with me and I with her.

Love and Light

Geoff x

Thanks Alison, I’m sad that you have experienced this before. I’m doing my best to do what is right for Rebecca, I don’t want regrets in the future. I am still struggling a lot though, today has been my worst by far. I feel I’ve lost the plot. 

Your daughter did well to do that, I know mine couldn’t, I’m not sure yet if I will manage to. Eva, is coping better than I was expecting, I know there are still ups and downs to come though. 

Thank you Geoff for sharing this personal information with me, that means a lot, I have not been perfect by any means in our marriage, no long term relationship is like that, takes hard work and has ups and downs along the way. 
I’ve not done what Rebecca has, but I know I’m not blameless in any problems we’ve had over the years. I have taken responsibility for that.

I feel guilt now for our downs, but that’s my negative nature, we had so many more ups, I just can’t see them right now. 
I was with her round the clock those last few weeks and dedicate so much time in her final months to do what I could, I hope that meant something to her in the end.

Thank you, for your words. 

Don't forget there are counseling services for children too, although limited. Hannah has not yet needed counseling but may well need it in the future, I think Ric passing has hit her harder than she admits. She talks to her brother about it. Paul was fine for the first couple of years, threw himself into GCSES. Then at A level stage had counseling at college. He had passed his driving test, somebody hit his car ( bought with his dad's money) and it suddenly hit him like a brick. His dad loved cars. 

Eva is a similar age to what Paul was. Teen years are hard but you are a great Dad and husband so I am sure you will do fine. It is good you have a mum to help you. My dad is the one who is my rock. He does my jobs I can't manage too! He is replacing my fascia boards today. I tell him he shouldn't be up ladders etc but he wants to help. My so is also 21 now so is pretty good too. He is supposed to be getting up to help!!! But went out last night! Lol.

Don't forget to look after yourself and let your daughter help with that too, it will make her feel grown up. The one thing my two never did was tell their friends that their dad had died, not sure why but it took my son a couple of years. Now his best mate is a guy who lost his dad only a few weeks after he did. They are both very mature, I think it makes them grow up. Both were there looking after me the night Ric passed. They didn't go out as planned but stayed in with me. Both mine have kept me going.

Yes I have done it twice and I am not sure I will allow myself to get close to anyone again. 

Take care. You are doing great

Alison xxx

Hi Alison, 

Thank you for being so open. Yes, I’m doing what I can for support for Eva, pushing her into it a little now, so she understands what it is and then can make her choice if she wants to continue or not now or even in the future. 
I’m mainly doing that as I need it and we are alike in many ways. She is speaking to the child services from the hospice tomorrow to have a chat before returning to school, I thought it may help. She has told close friends. The school will also support. 

I admire your son for throwing himself into his school work, All l’m managing to do now is wallow, things always overwhelm me and I can’t function, everything is hitting me harder each moment and Eva is seemingly coping and much stronger than I am, she’s worrying about me I can tell and I feel guilty for that, it’s not extra stress, anxiety, pressure I should be putting on her. I can’t pick myself up though. Getting up is becoming later and later. I need to protect and support her but I’m failing. 

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to return to work, when I can’t function, I’m thinking she’s wanting to return to school, what’s wrong with me, but I can’t face work.

I’m glad you have your family around you too, who are supportive and there for you. 

Thank you

Nathan 

Hi Nathan

You will get back to.work when you are ready. It is still early days. I went back after a week but needed the distraction and I was sat at home brooding. My work mates were also a real support. The one thing I didn't need was to avoid the subject and maybe nurses are blunt because nobody did.

Don't forget Eva will have been off school a while because of covid so us probably keen to get back to normality and her friends. She obviously wants to care for you and let her, even if it is just making a cuppa..she will adopt her motherly role for a while. My son is still doing this and I quite like it. It makes them feel like they are doing something..

Sounds like Eva has her head screwed on. She will be fine. And so will you because she will be your purpose and reason to keep going which you will do.

Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing well. Let friends and family help even if it is cooking a meal or hoovering etc. I hate cooking, I let mum cook so I could sort things. She felt she helped then and it left me free to do what I needed to do. 

Take care. We are all here

Alison xxx

Thanks Alison, For me I wouldn’t be able to use work as a distraction, I struggled to concentrate when things are on my mind, so I do need longer. 
Yes she wants to see friends and not feel she’s been missing out on things, so I’m pleased she has this motivation, it’s good to see. 

Yes doing stuff is hard at the moment, I forced myself to do a few things today that needed doing, I’m usually organised but that’s all gone out the window and I did do a stew the other night so we had some meals for a few days as I’m not really eating so something that’s there when I do fancy something helps. 

thank you, Nathan