Am I married

Nellie that sounds like you have got it exactly right for you and that's the thing isn't it, what suits one doesn't suit another. 

As for the forms - when do they stop, always rearing their ugly little heads to trip us up and send us backwards again!

Lizzy

Dear Owl58,

I am 20 months on and am still wearing my wedding rings. I did contemplate taking them off last year but they were soon back on. I could not bear the the feeling if it being missing when there was so much emptiness in my life at that time.

Last week I met my close friend's new partner and he said to me that its so nice that I still wear my ring. Its was also nice for me to reminisce about the story surrounding my rings and talk about my husband. 

At the same time, I know at some point I will take them off when I am ready. There is no right or wrong. I agree with mcc, as time goes on and there is a bright future, a different kind of happiness. For now I am happy concentrating on myself. I gained so much weight and let go of my health - I pleased to report that I have been doing my 10,000 steps a day for over a month now and feeling so much better for it!

Take care all,

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Thanks Dutsie. I put them back on. I don’t care about keeping men away. My gob takes care of that. But they speak to me of the past. They remind me of what I have lost. He was important not the rings. I never gave them a second thought in our 34 years. Now I look at them and I am filled with pain and loss. But there is an emptiness when I take them off. Like I’m not whole. But I am not whole anyway. Grief is so hard. And I am so alone without him. Looks like I need to try and pick myself up for another night and day good luck with the weight loss and healthy eating. I admire  your strength. 

Hello Owl58,

Thank you for you message.

Grief is ever so hard. One aspect was losing my identity and feeling so lost for so long. I am at the stage, after a lot of time to reflect, to make the most. It is what my husband and i did during his illness and I am finally doing now for myself.  Easier said than done but doable. It does take time.

I have been on dates with my wedding rings on. Its a part of me and the experiences of what we/I have been through that makes me the person I am right now.  Saying that, I have even put meeting someone on a back burner! Just want to concentrate on being healthier. Can not stress how important it is to be kind to oneself.

Take care of yourself,

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Dutsie - just wanted to say how I was moved and inspired by your profile- the everyday person phrase struck a chord. And married or not is a strange one. Loving and being with someone who is dead and being with the living seems to be like having one foot each on two moving pavements. Bit of a balancing act.   Making sense of  loving the one that has gone and appreciating the living seems an important thing to me today.  Havent cracked it but considering it over a beer. 

Thank you NellieJ,

Just read your profile too. So many similarities. We knew my husband had some type of oral cancer in April 2018.

Went to Santironi and Sifnos, despite doctors advice. Had a great time!

We found out how bad it was upon our return. So glad we went against doctors advice, even they agreed with hindsight. 

I was living with my partner for 16 years or so and got married on Friday 13th at two thirty. It was my husband's sense of humour, a dentist joke, "tooth hurty" - the person who first suspect something was not quite right. 

Unfortunately, due to the synchronous nature of his diagnosis he died later that year. 

Not without going on another holiday with friends and family later in the year. It was his way of making sure we bonded and be there for each other when he was gone. 

I have grown-up step son and I am very lucky I have a great relationship with him. The rest of the family I am no longer in contact with but okay with that as they are grieving in their own way. 

The "balancing act" is very hard. Sometimes even conflicting. I can honestly say that most days I had a reason to smile. Just there was this hollowness too. This a statute created by a grieving parent named "emptiness". Quite powerful, hey?

Grief is grief and losing your everyday person shakes your foundations in every essence.

Have not cracked it either yet but doing a better job of it. Out tonight with girls to celebrate a friends birthday. Don't normally drink but will have a cocktail or too.

Enjoy your beer!

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Owl 

I lost my wedding ring the winter before my Anne passed  away in the summer. I lost it whilst fishing in the cold weather when our fingers shrink. I'd had that ring for 50yrs. My punishment for having it enlarged too big a while before. Just after Anne passed I felt I needed a token wedding ring to tell the world I was still married - albeit in spirit. So I purchased a titanium wedding ring with an inscription engraved inside ' I LOVE YOU.'  That will remain on my finger till the day I die. But thats just me. We are all different.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi Geoff. We cherish these tokens because it’s all we have left. And they mean so much. I hang on to them because it scares me to let them go. Like if I did it meant he never was and all our years together are nothing now. I don’t turn around when I’m walking because I feel him there but if I turn around he won’t be there. I am not ready to face that. I must cling to the past for now. It’s the only thing keeping me going. Bizarre and I don’t understand it. I must come across as mad. It is not the terrible pain of the early days but more of a slow death by a hundred cuts. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Thank goodness for this site that helps me offload and move on. 

My husband died almost exactly a year ago - I have never taken my wedding ring off since we married in 1986 and don’t intend to.  I had my husband’s wedding ring made into two smaller rings for myself and my daughter  and we both wear these rings every day - I wear mine on the right hand third finger and it’s a slimmer version of my original wedding ring - my daughter’s is a slimmer version of her wedding ring - this way, he’s always with us.  Realise this isn’t for everyone, but we’re very happy with the choice we made.

Yes its very personal .Havent had much luck with wedding rings the orginal became too small as  I gained weight The replacement I took off when we seperated .When we got back together we got silver rings for each other .I took mine off in lockdown as my skin became inflamed from the constant washing .After he died it didnt seem right to put it back dont know why .But on the third finger of my right hand I wear a beautiful ring Bill bought me when we were in Northen Cyprus on holiday .When we got back together we had many amazing holidays and rediscovered our relationship .This ring is my  way to be connected to Bill and I will never take it off .Love to all x