Widening my Bereavement support - Way-Up

Hi Darkhorse,

You're right about empathy coming from experience. I think I expect too much from people.  Grief can be irrational I find. Deep down I probably want somebody to come along who will take us back forever to a golden moment before his illness.  But in turn I feel inadequate and powerless when I try to comfort others.  I'm sure that's how some people feel when they talk to me.

In my grief I've neglected myself physically too.  I still have to force myself to eat, and my diet is the opposite of healthy if I get round to eating at all.  I call it refuelling.  There is no pleasure in it, and to me it just keeps me going for another tormented day.  But my strength and stamina have ebbed and that in turn affects my moods and makes daily 'life' even more of a struggle.  I've developed severe hypertension and other symptoms probably due to stress on my body.  I know what I should do to help myself, but I just don't feel motivated to embrace life.

A few months ago I'd managed to adopt a more positive attitude.  I'd persuaded myself to keep strong and even have a sense of purpose, for his sake.  That motivation kept me going for a while, but I wasn't prepared for the relentlessness of this.  I yearn to be with him.  Nothing else matters.  I think back then I imagined it would all be over soon if I just held on a bit longer.

I'm stuck in limbo at the moment.

Thank you , Darkhorse.  I don't visit here too often because I feel, stupidly probably, some kind of power over my demons if I can embrace them alone.

It is both terrible and comforting to find so many who suffer in the same way, I am jealous of my grief; I cannot quite believe that others actually do understand. And yet some do, because I understand theirs.

I think we cannot measure the pain, it isn't quantifiable. I do think, though, that your four year journey to the end must have been sheer hell, and I am grateful that I didn't have to endure anything like that long. I would say I don't know how you did it, but sadly, I do. You just did. 

If you feel you are still here to be punished, I understand. But I will not punish you. I think you are here because you are. Just that.

Put it this way - you are still here, and while I don't believe there are any reasons why any of us are here to start with, I am very glad.to know you.

x

Dear all,

What a totally heart felt thread this is. All the posts from start to finish have captivated my attention.  Each one has struck a cord in one way or another. I lost my Anne  one year ago, plus a few days,  after being married for 50yrs. Tonight I vented like I've never vented before -  alone in our house as usual. This is what I said.

" My soul. My Spirit. The Life Force energy that charges the battery of my physical body. Why are you living off me like some kind of parasite? Like mistletoe sucks the life out of a tree. Cant you see this tree just wants to die. This body no longer wants you.  I fill my waking days just filling time with anything that takes my mind away from the fact that I'm just not happy. I've lost the love of my life: my soul mate. How the hell do I at 74 start a new life? How the hell do you expect me to forget I spent half a century alongside my sweet Anne. Yes. The good. The bad. And on a few rare occasions, the ugly. We were just  human after all. But we loved each other. Together we were a complete person. Now I'm only half a person. Yet you, for your selfish reasons, keep this body  alive so you can exist and suck the life marrow out of my very survival. So I'm expected to wait until this physical machine finally breaks down before you finally release me from my torment. Is that it?  Is that what life is all about? Torturing people? I go to bed each night praying I might die in my sleep from a heart attack or a stroke. Yet awake in the morning feeling your mistletoe roots still sucking at my very existence for your own selfish reasons. I'm just tired of it all."  

Vent over my friends.  But it sums up my feelings.

Love and Light.

Geoff x

Well, Geoff. It may not be the reaction you think appropriate, but your vent made me smile. You are alive and well and truly kicking, dear Geoff. 

I face the day with a fight in me now xx  Thanks, really thanks xx

Hi Dorothy 

Yes,  the lion has started to roar along the yellow brick road LOL  I'm glad it made you smile hon. Stay safe.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi

I have had a few long days in a row at work! Not asked if I would work overtime but just given it! To be honest, I have become used to only working my 3 days a week during lockdown and the 4th was too much!! I hid in my room for lunch, it was too much effort to join the others and brought my own lunch as it was too much effort to order the free meal we have been getting. I too neglected myself when Ric was ill and I have put on two stone. I am aware I need to loose it because my joints have flared up and I am.in pain again!!! But actually sticking to a diet us proving really hard! I want to look good again and Ric was proud of my when I did loose weight but there is no one to impress! 

I try and stay positive and move forward. There is no empathy! I was once told in my training that sympathy was understanding a situation because you imagined yourself there but empathy you had to have actually experienced that position! I am lucky (in a sense) to have a friend, the same age who has recently lost her husband too. That is empathy, she does understand. My mum has lost her mum and thinks she knows but as Dunlin says that is annoying!!! I feel like telling her to shut up!!! Work colleagues don't ask any more and I feel the battle goes on because all people talk about is bloody covid at work! That is not life!! It is banned at home, no news programs etc as I am sick of it!!! That is work and home is normality!!!! 

I am planning to go to the supermarket for healthy food later! I am taking pain killers which are not really killing the pain but blocking everything!!!! And I need to loose this weight. I am feeling tired grumpy and fed up!!! 

Hope everyone has a good day, at least the sun is shining!

Love and hugs

Alison xxx

Good luck losing weight. When my husband was alive he liked going to cafes to keep his mind of cancer I suspect needless to say I put on a lot of weight. Now I have time to look after my own health and am beginning to eat much more healthily.  I got a part time job yesterday as a school cleaner to start in September looking forward to this hope to also volunteer  at school helping with children's reading would be good. So like someone here says feel I am moving forward with my husband and our memories in my heart.

Hi Alison, good on you !! 

I have the weirdest type of "disorder" that makes me able to understand the reasons for actions and feelings in just about anyone, but I am not always sympathetic. Go figure. Personally I think II am just blunt, but whatever the diagnosis is, I have found it to be of great value to me in my current situation, because I know that most people just don't care about something unless it affects them personally, and in the same way, so on a day to day basis I take their understanding with a pinch of salt, but appreciate the effort.

I think that most of us on this forum had only one person (if they were lucky) who totally understood, but they are the ones we are missing. Many of us, though, understand 99%, and that is why I come here from time to time. 

I have unintentionally lost 22 lbs since Andy became ill in November last year. I was overweight at that time, but it has levelled off since he died in April. I look better than I have done for years, and people keep telling me I look great, mistakenly thinking this means I am coping well. I just say "thanks", I don't really care.

Do lose weight if it's going to help the pain. I think you can do just about anything, Alison - you have done so much already, even though you may not have wanted to do it. You should try and do something you want to do.

I think you are bloody marvellous to be back at work. You are right that home is normality though. I am alone in this house now and am quite happy to be so. People can only come in by invitation to disturb me, which is how I like it - what do they know? If I ever want to be the life and soul of the party again, I will go to it under my own steam !

Take care xxx

Sorry, Ali - I am going backwards through the thread (a bit like my own life experience at the moment). 

Every day was our day, but weekends even more so. Andy was 9 years younger than me, so still worked during the week (I took early retirement 2 years ago). 

Honestly, I miss dancing around listening to mixtures of punk and ska while we prepared food and drank wine. I still make the food and listen to the music, but dancing alone I cannot manage, and I don't want to. I fear I will never be able to be a complete nutter with anyone again, and am consigned/resigned to becoming a sad old recluse who people will whisper about.

Then of course, I realise no-one will be whispering, as they won't be thinking about me at all.

Right, got that out. I must stop listening to the Ramones. 

Oh, sorry - forgot to add I am still drinking the wine, too!!!