How am I?

Hi Ellie and lizzy 

thankyou 

I know everybody is right it takes time to heal  

I still talk to Diane I know she is at peace no pain no worries I think about happy times I sit and look at a picture taken in 2014  because I love that picture of us together 

The fishing ive booked For next Sunday I have been going but got tired  of being in a routine of get up go to work all week then try to go fishing Sunday 

so you are enjoying the garden Ellie growing veg and flowers 

ive redecorated the flat  to keep busy. 

I have a few more counselling sessions left he tell me I’m in the bargaining stage  

take care  

Martin x

Hi Martin & Ellie,

Martin - everything you've written above sounds so positive to me - Ellie what do you think?.

sometimes I don't think we are fair to ourselves - you are doing well, but maybe you don't see it? Currently I'm full of self doubt, mainly about going back to work (still furloughed and hoping selfishly that it's for another few weeks)

Talking to Diane, nothing wrong with that at all, sadly I'm still at the cursing and shouting stage (in my head) at Sam for leaving us when he did.

I've put photo's around, he didn't like having his photo taken much but these are all older ones - one of us when we first met 19 years ago, one with the kids taken at least 12 years ago where he's really laughing at something (probably me trying to take it!) and some other silly happy ones! No idea why they were not out on display before found them all in a box in his wardrobe.

I've had a few planned to do today, including giving my car a good clean but so far the day seems to be getting away from me! I've walked the dogs this morning (we have 4!) and caught up on a few emails etc not sure if you find the same but once I get onto the computer I'm hooked and before I know it I've made and drunk several cups of coffee and lost myself somewhere in ciber-space!

Take care both, have good weeks

Lizzie x

ps - sorry no clue how old you are but had a thought.

in our area Age UK offer a phone befriending service - you can sign up to be a volunteer and they asign you an "oldie" who needs a friend. I think you then choose how many times a week you talk to them and as long as you can commit to a regular time & day to call them off you go. It gives the oldies someone to interact with which is good for they're mental wellbeing and I'm sure some of them have some great stories to tell from years ago. I don't know if they cover expenses but if the timing is right and depending on your phone provider it could be that you have free calls evenings or weekends so won't cost you anything except a bit of time.

I don't do it but my Mum has Age UK services and they're brilliant - the only downside is if they're like my Mum they'll tell you the same thing over and over again ... just have to pretend you've not heard it before.

Hi Lizzie

Im only 54.  Being at work keeps me busy.  Stops you thinking so much you will stop being angry it’s not Sams fault he got ill  they say it’s in the genes seem a lot of people in the same age group having it 

my problem is not the computer it’s the tv I turn it on watch crap 

I cleaned the car Last weekend inside and out  got ironing and washing to do later do dinner open packet put it in oven lol then do sandwiches for tomorrow 

we use to have two cocker spaniels before Diane died  my niece rehomed them for me how do you walk four dogs  you have your dogs and your children to keep you busy  

take care have a good day 

martin x

Hi Martin,

My "children" are 23 and 26 and my stepsons are 30 and 31 so pretty much self sufficient! youngest is still a student studying law.

Walk the dogs in two's normally around 6.30 - 7.00 am otherwise we see too many other dogs and then they decide to do a howling/barking/growling act as they go past :) all miniature schnauzers so all bark and no bite!

Age wise I'm 56 so same age bracket as you! Sam was 62 when he passed away - I keep telling myself it's not his fault, and most of the time I just feel so sorry that his life was cut short. He had ill health on and off for well over 10 years heart issues which resulted in stents, arthritis etc after the cancer diagnosis he was determined to live life to the full (which tbh he hadn't before) but it wasn't meant to be and that's I suppose what makes me really angry.

You take care and try to enjoy the rest of your day.

Sunny here at last so may go out in the garden for a bit, although there's football on TV and my Son will be round to watch it!

Lizzy x

ps just realised that on some posts spell checker kicked in and spelt my name wrong!

Hi Lizzie 

day been okay so far both my children text me  my daughter sent me a present a new watch that was nice  my son is 26 my daughter is 20 this year they live near Aberdeen  that’s where their mum took them a long time ago will see them next year when cv19 settles down I hope  And live in Hertfordshire 

washing done  getting on with jobs now  then going not to try and burn dinner lol have not  burnt it lately she was a good cook 

what kind of dogs do you have  they sound like mine use to be bark at ever one one does so they both have to do it one loved his tennis ball the other like eating poo lol but they knew when dinner time was 

take care 

Martin x

Hi martin

You are a bit more upbeat today and glad  the day went well.

It was nice your children was in touch, a new watch lucky man.

You have done well washing done jobs you have been productive today.

I went in garden at 10.30 been lovely here not to hot, lovely breeze, cam in about four.

Cut grass, dug up rose bush, dug up shrub he had so much planted in it,  so trying to make it a bit easier for me in the future, i really enjoyed it today.

The eldest son his wife and granddaughter came in, they went then daughter phoned, the youngest son phoned the day has gone quick.

Tomorrow another garden day, as suppose to reach 31 towards end of week so will not be, doing anything outside but siting i think.

Take Care Ellie xx

Hi Ellie 

the day was good my son does not always text on father’s but my daughter texts me more now and again 

a sat and did nothing for a bit just sit look at the pictures and watch tv and then got up and started getting jobs done 

you are enjoying the garden with lockdown ending you are getting to see more of the family you are right keeping busy makes day go faster  will your sister take you out this week I don’t like the weather too hot 

take care have a good day 

martin x

Hi Ellie and Martin,

Wow sounds like you both had productive days yesterday.

Saw the forecast last night for the rest of this week - what a difference from the last few days. Lawn is just recovering from the last heat, all the rain had started to make it grow again and now it's going to get scorched again! Bit like all of our lives really ups & downs.

take care and hope you both have good weeks

x