How am I?

Hi Ellie, 

Every day is different,  I'm still numb and lost  but had a  better day today, crossed a couple of things off the  "to-do" list 

Not sure where the paperwork all comes from and why does each bit lead to another piece to be dealt with!

It's 6 weeks since Sam passed away in a way it feels like yesterday and in another way it seems ages ago since he was here.

My strategy is one day at a time and tomorrow is another day to do what I haven't finished today. 

Take care of yourself  x

Hi Ellie 

I don’t know how you do it  I try to keep busy I’m busy at work all week putting the happy face on even tho I feel empty inside  weekends do a few jobs but my emotions go up and down all the time  then I ask myself why do we keep going  is The answer they would not want us to give up 

I feel like a robot during the week getting up going to work coming home thinking do I really want to eat can I be asked 

I saw a question on here one day how would have your loved ones coped if would have been other way round  I even think about that too 

take care 

Martin x

Hi Martin

Not seen you for a while.Martin i do not work so have the whole day to keep busy. I have done a winter stuck in the house, before this virus, as all family work, so i am spending a lot of time out in garden working not siting.

Funny that i asked my children, if i had gone first how do you think dad would have coped, they all replied he would't, mind you i know he would not have worried about inside the house, when i was cleaning and doing windows, it was always do you have to  mind you he lived in his lorry all week and that was cleaned every day.

How you been, i have had a few moments must say, now bath tapes have sized up and need a plumber. Do not know any and searching on line is no help, you here about all these cowboys and have old people over, so i am stuck. Do ot know how i am going to sort this one out.

Its funny yesterday was a real good day, and today back down, do you every get to move forward well for me its one step forward and one back, like stale mate, i never every dreamed it would be like this, but then i do not suppose i thought of it, you never think it's going to happen, but it does and by god it hurts.

Take Care Ellie x

Hi Ellie 

Im glad you are ok still busy do any of your friends know a plumber I do read the posts ever day But do not always know what to say 

the housework I always did and shopping when she was at work on a Saturday and looked after the dogs so I was always busy  and yes my truck is clean inside too

and I don’t know if she would have coped she use to worry I had never made a will  but if had died it would have gone to her being my next of kin 

then last week I was delivering somewhere a woman came out and stood out side and had a cigarette and she looked just like Diane that was scary or strange you could say 

been having phone counselling 

the moving forward and backwards that’s my life and none of us dreamed this would happen and it has yes it hurts to much like i said put happy face on have a laugh and inside it hurts. I’m up and down today I don’t want to do anything 

take care

martin x

Hi Martin

No one seems to know a plumber always the way, hubby would have sorted it like he always did.

Martin was Diane your second wife or am i thinking of some one else.

If she was, regarding the will i am sure your children  would have had a claim, something in the back of mind telling me.

I went out yesterday first time since 18th March, my sister took me shopping, i normally hate  shopping but i enjoyed just getting out of the house.

When we got back brother turned up, then son. then Tom;s friend and the daughter, all or nothing, today the phone has not even gone.

I am sorry its an up and down day, we all get them not nice, it jut brings you back to the start of this journey, when will it end, not sure it do.

Do you find the counselling helps, i have not gone down that route yet,, i have to say when i am down i do say you hubby why did you have to go and leave me like this, we where a team and this should  never have happened, think that is me feeling sorry for my self and why not. Will this ever get better, it can never be the same well not for me, i had a lifetime with him.

Well tomorrow is another day lets see what that brings.

Take Care Ellie xx

Hi Ellie 

must have been good going out for first time after all that time stuck in and you had loads of visitors too 

yes Diane was my second wife. I did not have a will   I have had a new will now so my kids get everything   
I do not see a lot of my family one brother rings me the other got fed up with being the way I am  I pop and see my mum on Saturday morning she rings me every nite to make sure I’m still here  not done nothing stupid  I could easy just give up 

the counselling helps let’s me get my whole life out I said to the counsellor if I drill a hole in my head I could let some of it out of my head  but do not want to loose my memories I do ring Macmillian up when I did a chat but put if off 

all I know it going to take time like every body tells me time is a great healer 

what  do they say learn to love yourself first 

try the counselling I rang cruse bereavement  it’s good to talk and still cuddle up with pillows at ask her to come home say good nite tell her I love her  

I wish I had the answers 

take care 

Martin x

Hi Martin

Diane would not want you to give up, this is all part of the grieving process, things will improve for us all at some point, some take longer than others,to start healing.

When i are down or in a rotten mood, i tell my kids, i am fragile today, because anything might upset me.

My hubby always said i was a strong B.... and i could get threw anything, and i did while having treatment, but him leaving me, broke me

and brought me to my knees but he knows i can do it, and at some point i will get there how ever long it might take. My kids have lost there dad and mum is not going anywhere yet. Its a shame our family are not a bit closer, my eldest son comes in three or four times a week, with never used to be that close we used to clash, but if any thing good has come out of this it is how close we have now become.

You will have to start going fishing more it is so tranquil my hubby said.going to be nice next week, he loved the good weather, i always say that to him while in the garden,must say i do talk to him quiet a bit, do you have any other hobbies you could get back into.

We all need human contact if only for a cuppa and chat, i love to talk, my hubby used to say you talk to anyone, its costs nothing.

Have just finished watching James Bond, would not normally but nothing else on hubby used to watch them and i might read.

Have to say my hubby always grew runner beans every year, and i put 16 plants in and he would be proud how well i have looked after them, right up the bamboo sticks and string happy days, always a first for everything First time i have ever grown any veg.

Hope tomorrow is a good day for everyone here, always here for you Martin just to let you know your not alone, though at times it might fill like it.

Take Care Ellie x

My husband came home on his split shift with a bottle of Gaviscon.  I asked why he'd bought it.  He said he kept getting indigestion, I told him to go to the Dr if it carried on.  He went was given Omeprozol, didn't make any difference, blood test, recall more blood test.  Sent for camera, told on the day it was cancer!  Sent for CT scan to see if it had spread, lungs and liver.  Given palliative treatment. Awful, miss him so much.  Apparently Oesophageal Cancer is quite vrilant and b****y nasty.

Hi Nish,

That is so similar, Sam kept taking indigestion remedies, over years back and forward to Doctors all bloods were fine. Had a few problems with his throat/tyroid area - scans came back fine. Then got severe anemia and started to have problems swallowing, sent to hospital for camera/scope thing told same as your hubby told on the day (very bluntly 99% sure its cancer) it was a friday 6pm! so sent home for weekend not knowing how bad or anything. Took around 3 - 4 weeks before saw the oncologist who said it was stage 4 liver, lymphs and stomach involvement. Palliative treatment for 5 months then once that stopped it was downhill slide. 

How are you coping with it all yourself? It's such a tiring roller coaster and then nothing a complete stop and void. I'm still at the numb, not a clue what just happened stage.

take care of yourself and hope you have a good day today.

Hi Martin,

Ellie is so right so much of what we are all thinking is part of the grieving process, just hits us all in different orders at different times.

I hope that you can get out and go fishing this week sometime, sounds like a good way to relax and concentrate without feeling under pressure.

I have counselling via phone from our local hospice and also my GP calls me to check in and see how I am as currently they're unable to offer me anything else. 

Hope you have a better day today