Loosing love of my life

Hi this is the first time I have been on this forum. This time last year was my first day of  Radiotherapy for Prostate cancer they said I didn't have for months on end. After months of arguments wih GP. Finally got tests and PSA blood test they said I didn't need on Christmas Eve 2018. Came back after Christmas you have Prostate cancer.  Put on HT treatment. They then messed that up. Was give 3 Tablets a day for 3 months when it should have been 1 a day for 6 months before radiotherapy. As I was having radiotherapy my wife Penny ️ was suffering a bad back took Penny ️ to see GP told us it was Siatica. It wasn't . On 17 October 2019. Penny ️ collapsed in the bedroom taken to hospital and diagnosed with Mets breast cancer and passed away on the 6th November 2019 just 21 days after diagnosis.  Penny️ was Aged 67. Feel so lost my darling wife Penny ️.

My dear, I am so sad to hear of the loss of your dear wife. Our journey was not dissimilar to yours and Pennys. I got breast cancer in January 2019 as John died of bowel cancer in February. I had no time to digest it or come to terms with it. I refused treatment at first because I wanted to die with him. He was cremated in March. In April and May two very long standing much loved friends died. Also in may, our 3 yr old grandson got ill, fought all may and June and died during my surgery on 4 July.  So you going through treatment and grieving I deffo idetify with. I had the surgery cos I thought our kids had been thru enuf. I didn't know four more loved ones would die too. No time to grieve when there is funeral after funeral to attend and my cancer spread to lymphs cos I delayed so many times. Couples like us are on a terrible and scary ride....there is little or no recognition of what we truly are going through because it is not like an ordinary bereavement. Often people think we can go to a counsellor and will recover right back to ourselves. I don't think I ever will. I am nine months ahead of you my dear, but it feels like I lost him last week, yet aeons ago. I had months of counselling which did absolutely no good, and actually made it worse as I got in a rut of reliving stuff again and again....I had a breakdown and it affected my memory very badly...so then comes the next thorny bit, when folks are advising you to go down memory lane and treasure what you had...I can't remember huge swathes of our life together, lost precious wedding rings too...I do get flashes...sometimes they stick and others frustratingly flee away....they break my heart some with joy and some with anger and frustration.the fact is I still live by the quarter hour...time is a blur yet a drag....Grief is unique to each of us. some benefit from talking therapies, others like me don't. I am happy to listen to you myfriend...any time....I knew him 47 yrs, married almost 45.....my grief is not your grief, but if I can help in any way, I will xx

My dear, I am so sad to hear of the loss of your dear wife. Our journey was not dissimilar to yours and Pennys. I got breast cancer in January 2019 as John died of bowel cancer in February. I had no time to digest it or come to terms with it. I refused treatment at first because I wanted to die with him. He was cremated in March. In April and May two very long standing much loved friends died. Also in may, our 3 yr old grandson got ill, fought all may and June and died during my surgery on 4 July.  So you going through treatment and grieving I deffo idetify with. I had the surgery cos I thought our kids had been thru enuf. I didn't know four more loved ones would die too. No time to grieve when there is funeral after funeral to attend and my cancer spread to lymphs cos I delayed so many times. Couples like us are on a terrible and scary ride....there is little or no recognition of what we truly are going through because it is not like an ordinary bereavement. Often people think we can go to a counsellor and will recover right back to ourselves. I don't think I ever will. I am nine months ahead of you my dear, but it feels like I lost him last week, yet aeons ago. I had months of counselling which did absolutely no good, and actually made it worse as I got in a rut of reliving stuff again and again....I had a breakdown and it affected my memory very badly...so then comes the next thorny bit, when folks are advising you to go down memory lane and treasure what you had...I can't remember huge swathes of our life together, lost precious wedding rings too...I do get flashes...sometimes they stick and others frustratingly flee away....they break my heart some with joy and some with anger and frustration.the fact is I still live by the quarter hour...time is a blur yet a drag....Grief is unique to each of us. some benefit from talking therapies, others like me don't. I am happy to listen to you myfriend...any time....I knew him 47 yrs, married almost 45.....my grief is not your grief, but if I can help in any way, I will xx

fushia, there is an unfillable gap. I am 15 months on (tomorrow) and feel like a cardboard effigy of myself. I have not moved on, but largely because I don't want to ....I detest feeling this way but after not far off half a century togher it is how it is for me. Your own journey may become similar to that of others or be entirely different...but one thing it will be is unique to you...we must all endure having to find our own way through terribel turmoil...but on here there are flickers of comfort, albeit that they are often fleeting.My love and hugs to you my dear. xx

 Thank you. I am so sorry for your losses. This time last year I had 3 people tell me I would be ok. They where diagnosed with cancer after me and have passed away.  One was cremated on my birthday. Then since Christmas another 3 have been diagnosed. I met my wife Penny ️ in may 1969. She was 16. Married Penny ️ on the 5th June 1971. When she was 18. We lived 15 doors apart in the same road.  We where married for 48 years and 5 months. xx

38, sorry I don't know your name,

I do believe childhood sweethearts have a special bond like no other. My parents were born next door to each other. 70 yrs of devotion and when my mam died, my dad embarked on self destruction which took him five years ending in a massive stroke.

I am also sorry to hear of your losses and more importantly the terrible journey you are on. Me and John didn't quite make it as far as you. 44 1/2 yrs as man and wife, knew each other 47.  People tell me to be grateful for that...and I sure hope you have not had that bitter pill to swallow dear man. My heart bleeds for you. I was lucky enough to have a very short video of John wishing me happy christmas 2018...a few seconds only but I so treasure it.... In our day there really were no videos etc of us in our youth.

I know the pain of special dates. August will be unreal. On 14th John would have been 66 and it ought to have been his retirement day. Instead he is dust in our grandsons coffin. On 30th it is our sons 23rd birthday and the little un he lost was born the same day, so that isn't gonna be a party. Following day, 31st would have been our 46th wedding anniversary. My guts snarl to think of august. We have two family birthdays in between. Sept will be the last 'first' anniversaries from the 2019 deaths.  thanks to covid and the cost no headstones sorted yet.

If I could I would put my arms round you xxx

I lost my wife of 54 years 2 weeks ago from sepsis she had a Stem cell transplant at 71 which was 100% successful cancer had gone but she had a bowel blockage that turned into sepsis. She was in Hospital for 3 months all that time there was no visiting I was only allowed to see her for the last 6 days of her life, I was there to see her pass, the end of her pain and suffering only seems like yesterday. I feel so numb at times, planning her funeral  is heart breaking I can't talk to people with bursting out in tears like I am now writing this. 

Listening to other peoples experiences seems no wonder the bereaved can pass away themselves within months of losing a loved. it hits you like a double decker bus. we too have lost people we had befriended in hospital having cancer treatment, so far I have not had to go through comments like it pass in time, it will get better with time, memories never leave you but learn to cope. My daugther is helping me arrange the funeral but she is in the same state as me we can't look at each other without out bursting into tears, do you ever run out of tears? I married Maureen when she was 17 and I was 20 it was a shotgun wedding but still managed 54 years a lot of memories. Seems so simple when you looked it up on the internet 5 phases of grief , guilt, anger, regret, depression, disbelief what happens if if you get them all at once 

Anthony C

Hi Anthony

Welcome to this group, though real sorry you have had to join, you will get a lot of support here, every one understands what you are feeling and can relate to all the different emotions that come with it, at times you think you are going crazy, but you are not, been there.

Its real early days for you, i did one day at a time one step at a time, then the days run into a week, and now its nearly nine months, i really do not know how i have got this far.

You was married a long time, the same here, Tom was my life and i his.. I felt like i had been cut in half, i was lost and still am, and a lone not lonely a lone, the house is so quiet and empty. Its a real hard journey and one we would not wish on any one. I keep going as i to have incurable cancer and he was at my side for the three years of treatment and was so proud of me for getting threw  so i keep going mainly for his sake, he would want me to.You have to  look after yourself i am sure your wife would want you to, you will get a lot of support here, i could not have got this far with out the people here they are my support and understand, my kids do not always understand how i am feeling, but they have there own home's and families,     others will come along to welcome you.                                     Take Care Ellie x                                       

anthony, I am 16 almost 17 months on. You were the same ages as me and my lad. He turned 20 3 wks before the wedding day I was 17 and 2 months. It wasn't a shotgun wedding in our case (by some miracle if honest), but we were obsessed with each other. Despire the time since he died, it feels both like a lifetime ago and yesterday. I am at once gushing tears and then afraid I have run out. There is no such thing as the trash the academics go on about.

I studied psychology at degree level for 2 yrs as part of a BA. I believed a lot of it at the time (but not all as I was already mature and married with kids), but trust me it is TOSH. Everyone has their own path through grief. I am very sure your daughter is as devastated as ours is....but her grief is NOT your grief. The loss of a soulmate is vastly different to loss of a much loved mum and best friend as mine was for me.

Your daughter does not sleep beside you, my dear. She does not share the intimacy you did with your wife. Hers is a different loss. the loss of a partner you have to go through alone. The loss of a parent you can often share. I learned this only after losing John and in the weeks and months following when the world starts to necessarily turn again for everyone else, but maybe not you. this is the reality of loss.....I give you a virtual hug and tell you that this is one of the best sites to come to for crumbs of comfort both to give and receive. good luck.

Ellie, like many people you are such a lovely, caring soul. My heart reaches out for you indeed it does. I got cancer just before John died. I told him as we never had secrets. People said to me I had to have the operation as John would want me to. Lucky for me we managed to discuss it even though his cancer had started to invade his brain.  In discussing the future (if you can call it that), he said this.  Over nearly half a century we had grown as one, No one else would know what he might have wanted except me and he would back any decision I made, good or bad, right or wrong just as he did for 47yrs. Even before we married this bond was so. I talk to his picture I ask him. The one thing I do regret is having surgery. It was a lost opportunity to be with him and caused as much damage to me as losing him....but as he said back then, I will have to live and deal with my decisions. I am very lucky to have found this site and the lovely people here. I only wish I could support others in a more tangible way.. Love to you.