Loosing love of my life

Darkhorse.

Thank you for the kind words.

Life is cruel at times as we have found out in more ways than one.

Tom was my life married 53 years yes a life time. i finished my treatment Dec 2018 after three years and he got diagnosed Dec 2018 to me that was cruel we did not deserve that we never got any time to get of this roller coaster, it just got faster.

I never in a million years expected him to pass not so quick, thought  we both would have more time.

So life can cruel be, Tom held me up when i started to crumble with treatment, i am incurable, and i really thought i would go first, so i am for him fighting the best i can.

I to am glad i found this site. at times i could have not got this far without it, i have found everyone so helpful and truly understand how one feels it became a life line.

I also try support others and fill for new members when they join, as i have walked in there shoes at the start of this journey.

Take Care Ellie x

Dear Ellie

It is indeed very cruel. Your story is quite like ours. I met John age 15 and knew him 47 years, married 44 1/2yrs. We were not just in love but obsessional about each other to the end and beyond. He was diagnosed in 2015 and died 4 yrs later. I was diagnosed with breast cancer about 3 weeks before he died. I delayed treatment as he needed me so it spread to my lymph system.We never got the retirement together we worked and hoped for...in fact his birthday on 14th Aug this year would have been his retirement day. Instead not only is he dead, but his ashes are in the same coffin as our 3 yr old grandson who died weeks later. We lost 3 very close longstanding friends and my uncle, totalling 6 losses in 9 months. We lost our home, all income our health. I am not terminal but I wish i was. I stupidly had a horrendous operation and while under the knife was when the little un died. You clearly want to live and to fight and good luck to you. I don't but I have to. They gave John 3 yrs but he fought and had an extra year which I put down to CBD to be honest. I also had a lady work for me some years ago with inoperable brain tumour who was given months to live. No one would employ her but I did. A scan showed for some reason the tumour had become encased in a calcium wall which stunted its growth. She lived over five years and only stopped working weeks before her death. The body and will is huge. If you want to keep going, you do that girl...you already done amazing. Me...no....because all I can see is a yawning gap growing wider and keeping me from my darlin.....I am one of the 'back to sixty' girls. I shouldve retired 3yr ago and me and mine could have had at least a very short time together. Now the cancer treatment has floored me. I have had a mental breakdown too so not fit to work and yet 3 yrs away from state pension.....all I can see ahead is misery.....

Hi Darkhorse

I fill for you. a lot to deal with and how it has effected you. i fight yes because i cannot put my kids threw losing me when they have just lost there dad. and of course for Tom who kept me going.

Its hard and i am lost without him, alone, and at times do not know which way to turn. but seem to get threw and i do not know how. and i do thank him for helping me when i fill like that.

We all have our own way of coping some better than others, who says which way is right and which way is wrong.

I have never know a life without him like you and your hubby.  So i go  one day at a time and thankful when i have got to the end of that day.

Some days are a struggle and others not to bad. i have to keep busy so i do not think. otherwise i would drive myself crazy.

I am sorry you have had a mental breakdown, talking is a way of off loading and some one will always listen, It costs nothing to talk and can help many.

This group is a great source of help for many and always some one here to listen.

My family is a great support when i am down, they listen to me, though at times i do not think they truly understand how it fills losing the other half of you, we where one and a team.

Take Care Ellie x

Hi Ellie

Thank you for your reply. Like you, I agreed to the operation because of the kids. Not only lost their Dad but son lost his baby who was the nephew of our daughter. They also lost their Uncle and watched me suffer losing 3 very close friends, one like a brother, and go through cancer alone. Daughter offered to come with me, but she already helped me nurse her dad for years and work full time so I couldn't put her through that. Her brother has another teenage child and severely disabled stepson so he couldn't.

I agree talking helps many people. I don't mind the basics as I have on here, but I could never ever go into detail without reliving it and it torturing me. I occupy space and steal oxygen. Like you I put one foot in front of the other. I can't tell you what I do to even get through a particular day. Often I stay in bed. Other times I go out wandering aimlessly, spending money I have not got on things I don't want or need.

the only conversation I get really is between me and a shop assistant. If lucky I get to wave to a neighbour or a Hi. I stammer so the phone is a pain in the backside.  It is like m body telling me to shut up.

the poetry has helped, both reading the work of others and writing my own when i am up to it.

Like you, we were a team and one and the same person, two halves of one human being. Your loved ones will do their best as do mine, but you are absolutely right.....they do not know what it feels like....no one does until it happens to them.

Often, others think because they lost a brother or sister or parent they were very close to, they know what it feels like to lose a soulmate, but they DON'T.   It has a unique intimacy they have not had with the person who died....the lovemaking, the exchange of intimate knowledge about you and how you tick...the key factors which made it possible for your soulmate only to lift you up, to help you make decisions, to make you laugh or bring you down to earth....

I am here out of duty to a family who have been to hell and back, but I am not here for me, Ellie...I can never be me again because that person is gone forever.

Love to you Ellie

Val aka Darkhorse123 x