Why is life so hard

Hi All,

Read all your posts late last night but was too exhausted to respond then.

I can relate to so many of your comments.

Doing EVERYTHING all alone now is daughting, there is no one to help out and it is all down to me now which seems very scarey at times, well all of the time. I have never gardened but wanting to keep the garden as immaculate as my Bob kept it and I must admit I've done OK but at least I've had the time this year as i'm furloughed from work but then I panic and think how will I mange this when I am working full time.

I have learned to decorate and surprised myself at how good I am at it but again I have time but maintaining our house for the years to come scares the shit out of me, what if something major goes wrong how will I fix it or even afford to get it fixed now I am running the house on just my salary?

I remember the day they came to pick up Bobs car after he died it was terrible but what was worse was the fact that after he died and before his funeral his company phoned me up pretending to ask me how I was doing and then threw in the bombshell and asked me when they could come and pick up his car and laptop!!!!!!!!!! I was shocked and hurt and I asked them if they were F***ing joking as Bob wasn't even buried and he had worked for 25 years for them even working up until a week before he died when he was so very ill and weak. I think they got the message and left it until after the funeral and when they did come to the house to pick it up I refused to let them in the house I was so angry that his car and laptop meant more to the than his loyal service did.

I think the enormity of "Is this my life now" to which my answer is always the same "Yes" scares me and upsets me most.

I Miss everything about the man I loved more than life itself and 18 weeks along this grieving path I feel like i'm not improving at all. I cry and sob every day, I cuddle his ashes at night, sleep with his picture and his shirt that smells of him and it is just beyond sad and  will never ever get over loosing him.

Of course lockdown hasn't helped isolating alone but I am starting to see my children and grandchildren on isolation walks which is wonderful but they all think i'm doing well as they don't see me when i'm alone.

Well today is another day and lets see how I get through today and level of grief today.

Thinking of you all

Sheila x 

Morning everyone,

I have just read through all your posts as was exhausted last night. I was at hospital with my Son from 1.20am til 7.00pm with suspected appendicitis. It was so awful being back there with all the sounds of the machines and daily hospital life. Thought I'd finished with all that. 

So this morning I find myself very tired and emotional, hating my "new" life and wondering why it had to me that was left behind, and I know that's awful but everything is so bloody hard. I needed him yesterday, he would have calmed me down and driven us to the hospital,  sorted everything. 

It scares me too that I am now responsible for everything and I too worry if something terrible happens, how will I cope. 

Mark's car is still on the drive, he bought it a few weeks before he was diagnosed so didn't drive it much. It needs to be sold  I've had it valeted but kept putting it off and now lockdown is here nobody can view it so it just sits there getting covered in bird poo and dust. I could do with both the money and the space.

I have a week off soon and as I can't go away I'm ordering a skip and getting rid of all the rubbish he kept in the garage and shed "just in case". My daughter says "why did dad have so much DIY stuff when he didn't do any"!

Its 6 months for me now. I always thought I was stronger than this. I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate but I can't as I have 2 teenagers that are missing their dad. So I put a brave face on for them, I put a brave face on for work, my dad lives 250 miles away and I haven't seen him since the funeral so I pretend I'm fine on the phone so he doesn't worry about me. At night when I walk my dog alone it's like a pressure cooker going off and I just sob by myself then put my brave face on and go back home. If anyone asks me how I am I just reply "fine thanks" and smile as I don't want their pity, when in reality I feel like screaming "how the f*** do you think i am".

Sorry for the rant, I'm so glad I joined this site, I couldn't say these things to anyone  else.

Sending you all a hug, we so need one.

Ali x

Hi Ali 

you have a good rant because I know we all feel the same I just up boil up and explode now and again 

hating are new life  on the hamster wheel plodding through every day having a good week then the next one down in the dumps  keeping busy is okay then you get tired and frustrated again when one of us on the site has the answer let us all know  

Sheila when you go back to work it will help you want to stuck in and be more busy 

take care 

Martin x

Hi All,

I am pleased to be able to talk to you all, it definitely helps to have a rant, and the feelings we all have, sadly we are all in the same boat.

Its frustrating, sad, scary, lonely, and wondering how our lives will go on, love you all.

Mandy 

xx

Hi Ali,

I hope your son is ok and back home.

I think you have summed up a lot of my feelings! I feel close to exploding at times! I felt so peed off last week when I was asked to fill out a well being questionnaire!! How do they think I feel. Yes of course I feel stressed and isolated!!! Stupid blooming question! My husband died of cancer and then I am caring for similar patients and yes I am isolated because I have asthma, I am suddenly so at risk that you make me feel.infected and I have to wear a mask all shift!!! Arghhhh!!!

I also desperately want to see my dad who is isolated for a couple more weeks and no point in breaking it now! He is so much my rock. 

Off to work in an hour, probably be lucky to have 3 patients all day!!! Last hour or three we will be empty with nothing to do!!! It is driving me crazy. I have gone for walks in the country and beach yesterday (it was very quiet) to help my mental health as I really need it. Smile will be painted on and yes I will be fine!!! 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

I think it would be better to scream "How the f**k do you think I am" my brother rings me and I tell him.

"How are you mate"

"Honestly f*****g s**t"

"Yep I reckon that's about it"

and then we talk. Here in Italy it's different again, different people, they don't want the Brit "I'm fine" they want to know every little detail, it's not nosiness just a genuine desire to understand how you are. I'd rather know if you were my friend that you are shit and hate life and everything sucks big time...

I fixed up the family tomb today, (replacing some stone work etc and it looks chipper now) felt better for it.

It's such a wonderful spot coming to visit will be a joy, I'll change my profile pic for one I took of the mountain that overlooks the cemetery as its so lovely..

Hi mcc mcc hope your okay and good job on the family tomb it sounds like job well done it s so early on since Carla was given her wings and place in the heavens . I lost my love January 2019 and lifes just piss poor Sorry about language. Think I'm bit weak though. So keep on your path and look to the stars .

No worries about the language mate. I don't think your weak. I'd say your a guy who has been dealt a terrible blow. Our second date was in hospital as Carla had a heart problem, so I've spent the last 13 years withith a whole bunch of 'what ifs' floating around.

Before I went to the cemetery I spent three days hiding indoors alternately sobbing or being angry. To be honest it's knackering and I try to keep in mind I'd have been told off by now as well for not getting stuff sorted, need to work on my sleep but it will even out in time.

Life will get better I'm sure but I think it will be like a long term diet plan, you won't notice the gains. The way I see it feel 1% better every day and it's 100 days or 1% a week and in a year you're 50% better.

Hang on in there mate and we are fortunate with all the good people here!

Hi mccmcc

i just want to say what a wonderful outlook you have, yes you recognise you will have shitty days/times but you look for the positives.

yeah, we all have crappy days and feel like life has gave us a raw deal but out of everything negative in our days there will always be a positive land we have to build on those positive bricks.

much love to everyone

karen