2 years and emotionally struggling

Hi SteBee,

You seem to be in so much turmoil. It's not an easy time. The lockdown has made us so much more emotional and has brought even more upheaval to our lives, complicating our grieving processs. However, it is good to know that things have improved somewhat with your family. That's a positive.

Of course, no-one can really give you advice on your new relationship, not that you're asking, but what I would like to say is, give yourself time and space. Feel all that you have to feel and don't try to run away from the pain and all the hard emotions,.  They say that if we lean into the pain, we "heal" faster, whatever that looks like. I think it's natural for us to feel confused and, as you say, untrusting of ourselves. We suffered a major loss in our lives and it's not so easy to pick up the pieces. From what I remember of your last post, your new partner seems quite understanding. 

I doubt very much your Helen would think you're letting her down. If our spouses can see us, I would like to think they'll understand we're hurting. They may not like to see us like this but I'm sure they remember what it's like to lead normal human lives on this earth. Of course, I know what you mean. At the end of last year, I had a bunch of job interviews and was placed 2nd for two; didn't get placed first, and thought how disappointed Gilles must be in me. I really felt as though I hadn't honoured him. Am giving the interviews a go again and am having some more from next week. What I'm trying to say, is that there are times when we will stumble and fall and we may not like or may not be sure of the direction our lives are taking but we'll get there little by little.

Go easy on yourself. You're trying and that's all anyone can ask of you. 

hi stebee sorry for the loss of Helen your wife condolences I m bit unsure of your story are you the guy who was talking to girl on phone in garage .? You did seem happier I was jealous then I just wanted my pain to leave and be happy I'm still waiting. Hope you find your happy place.

Hi - no that was definitely not me !

I met somebody through my bereavement group, a friendship for 6 months that then moved onto something a lot deeper. It's been 6 months and it has helped me find my confidence in myself a little, but its been incredibly challenging for me, as i suffer with anxiety and OCD (always have, but this is much more acute since Helen passed away, I'm now on medication). I'm also seeing a therapist now regular weekly (privately), not specific bereavement counselling (which I have done), but more me moving forward in my life (probably something I should have done some years ago in reality). I struggled with bereavement counselling, as as soon as you start you know you'll have a small number of sessions, and that's your lot. Couple that with anxiety and that's not a great mix for me.

I stopped the relationship last week - as my limited emotional ability to give was really taking a toll on me (I was really emotional doing so). I think I saw that as a big disaster (classic me again) - but I'm being give reassurance from others that a temp or long term pause, or a permanent stop, is actually OK, if it's what I need now - and I don't have to fully commit - and I'm trying to hear and believe that.

I do hope you find a way to help with the pain that we're all carrying, we're all having to live as new versions of ourselves since our losses.    

x

my apologies to you for the mix up you have been through so much in the past few years hopefully the pieces will come together again in this way good health and happiness.

hi, we are in very similar circumstances, neither of us wanted this!

i lost my wife of 19 years in 2018, i have 2 kids, 16 and 19, long story short, last november a friend of a friend of my deceased wife reached out and we started seeing each other. i was happy to see where this went and let the kids know 1st off. Things were good, we both enjoyed each others company and i reflected on how having another half in my life was great again. an undercurrent was brewing! My daughter was showing signs of not being happy with this, even although we tried to include her in meeting etc, she was not having any of it. My mother in law, went very quiet!

it all came to a head as things normally do, one night over xmas at a friends house, i was confronted about the relationship and the impact on my daughter, by someone who my daughter confided in. i shared this with my new partner of 6 weeks. had a heart to heart with my daughter, but difficult.

I kind-of imploded, with pressure coming in from all sides so the day after i ended the relationship, it was not just as i state above, but also i was feeling huge guilt of seeing someone after being with my wife since we were 17 and married for 19 years! i really did not feel like committing to a serious relationship and with all the pressures from family my self defense mechanism kicked in and i ended it. She took it hard, i met her a wee bit later and explained as best i could, but she still tried to hang onto what we had. i did suffer badly with anxiety during this time, sought counselling etc etc, spoke to close friends.

instantly my daughter was back to normal and my mother in law who has been close since her daughter / my wife passed. I then have several questions that i need to resolve, at which point will both of them be ok? at which point will i be ready to commit? my plan for the moment was to keep things within my control, kids and me. but as im sure a lot of us middle aged widows see, reminders of being alone is never too far away, radio, tv, Saturday nights! 

if its any consolation to you, im in the same boat, the memories of my wife are with me constantly and it gets me up fast as when i wake my mind begins to wander! if only we could run the clock back. my advice to you is focus for now on what you can control and what is ultimately the most important thing to you, your daughters, easy to say, but im hopeful for us both that over time they will come to accept us both moving on. BUT, for me, continuing along this road was not good for my mental health and i had to make my life safe again, so took the necessary action, your new partner will understand if she is a widow too. I am sure for some the path is less rocky.... hang in there 

What a brave man, what you really needed was a friend.

I can relate to your daughter reaction so well done, but please reassure her and talk about there mum as much as possible all the little funny times you had,  do a special photo book that way it opens the door to what she really thinks and feels.

We females can be complex.

I just wanted to pop in here to offer a bit of hope to both of you who have needed to draw back from a new relationship. You both sound in tune with yourselves and have taken action to protect your mental health and that of your families, which takes courage!

I was widowed in 2017 when my kids were 17 and 20, and recently met a widower, who lost his wife two years ago. He doesn't have children. We took things very slowly at first, but I did talk to my children early on in proceedings to say that I'd met someone nice, but wasn't sure if it would go anywhere. They chose to meet him after a few months and liked him. However they're both at university so haven't been obliged to meet him very much, and I make a point of spending time with just us as a family, and talking about my late husband/their dad as much as we want to. Although my children have been broadly supportive, I do not think it would be fair on them to push my relationship too much when they're in the vicinity.

My new partner has chosen not to tell his mother in law (his late wife's mum) yet, which is fine by me as she is still so sad about the loss of her daughter. He may do so a bit further down the line. I have met some of his friends, but not all of them.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that people react very differently to the news of a new partner and not always positively unfortunately! It's important to respect their sensitivities, but also to allow yourself to build a future when you are ready for it. The bottom line is that your loved spouses would want you to be happy, and indeed, when you love someone very much and have experienced the joy of a happy partnership, you want to have that again in your life :-) The other thing is that you will always remember your spouse, and that your heart just expands to accommodate new and lovely things. Feeling guilty doesn't help anyone although it's easier said than done!

Early on in my relationship, while we were 'just friends' I had a bit of a panic about everything and my new partner said that after such a difficult experience we were bound to hit bumps on the way. The best approach with speed bumps is to slow down and proceed with caution! I hope that helps, and good luck.

Hi SteBee

Your journey is very familiar my friend. Some of us choose to remain single after the loss of a loved one BUT! Some good people like yourself need company. A partner because they are lonely and find it hard to survive totally on their own. And its no disrespect to your beloved who has passed over. Problem is the offspring find it hard to comprehend this. It's impossible for them to do so. Thus the dilemma. I SO WISH this site allowed 'copy and paste'  it's quite out of touch in that respect along with other primitive issues that bug me. I say this because there is a man called Phil Quinn on YouTube that addresses this very issue and so much more. A very down to earth guy that has not only served me well but has reinforced my psychology of life and the spiritual knowledge I already have. Stay safe mate.

Light and Love 

Geoff x 

Thanks, very good advice and love the analogy on speed bumps. Everything you say makes sense, keeping the kids onside and not trying too hard is good advice, I also see now about friends who I thought would be happy for me, but on reflection were not, as you say i need to respect their sensitivities also. 
what a minefield!

thanks

Hi, 

This post has nothing to do with a new partner but "emotionally struggling" seemed apt.
Just had a good, hearty cry and am feeling sorry for myself. Went for a drive alone, came back home and didn't know what to do with myself, so I had an early dinner at what would be considered tea-time and of course, ate alone. Remembered that 3 days after Gilles died, I got dressed and waited for his family to call me to tell me they were coming to pick me up to spend the day with them but that call never came so I spent the day in bed crying and looking at photos. The thought of it had me sobbing all over again. Never understood the level of insensitivity that was displayed there as I had no family to call my own in France and was waiting for my sister to fly in a few days later.

I do have good news. Unfortunately, today, good news always comes mingled with something else and that something else is fear and apprehension. I've been having interviews again and managed to land a job at a university back in France. That did boost my confidence after having failed miserably at the end of last year. Was feeling like a load of crap about myself. Now, I'm wondering how I'm going to manage in a totally different town without Gilles there to guide me and help me and I'm just plain scared.

The other thing is, while I'm relieved I was selected, the job is not ideal as it will require travelling around to different sites to teach so that's going to be tiring. When Gilles was alive and all was well, I had ambition and drive but after the 13-month illness and the last 17 months of grieving, my spirit is weary and I just wish I could stop and rest for a while. Do any of you feel that way too? I have 3 more interviews so I'm hoping I'll make a good enough impression and convince another school to want to hire me. Fingers crossed.

I asked the university that has chosen me the reasons for picking me. They said that the presentation I had to make was clear and, hear this, that I was smiling all the time and so they felt they wanted to work with me. I should be awarded an oscar. If they only knew what was behind that smile.

Oh well, onward and upward. This is really an uphill battle.

Thanks for listening/reading.