breakdown

HI Limbo,

Just wanted to send you big fat virtual hug.

It's been a bittersweet day for me. I have done some gardening today and this is something Richard I did together in the past. If he was around, the candles would be coming out now and we would enjoy just being out until late. 

However it was too much, so I only did a bit today I see neglect in the garden, perhaps reflecting a bit of neglect in my own wellbeing.  This lockdown makes being alone so much harder. Please don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow is another day, and in my case, I hope I get some more done.

Hopefully, this year I will also manage to enjoy being in the garden in a different way - last year I got it looking nice, but found it hard to relax there...

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi All,

I have just come in from the garden. Sat and had a G&T with my daughter when she came home from work. Was nice to be out but.... my neighbours who are older than me (in their 60's) have been in the garden all day chattering away, laughing, playing with their dog, eating and drinking and I'm ashamed to say I have never felt so jealous in my life!

Does anyone else ever feel like that? 

Why oh why is life so unfair? I feel so low and tearful. 

Love and hugs to everyone.

Ali x

Hi Ali 

I went for walk for 3/4 of a hour just to try and clear my head of all stuff that rattled around  the jealousy I understand when I see couples walking together people in their  gardens 

then I think I’m a nice person my wife was a nice person why did this happen to us as I was walking along asking god why us  does anyone knows the answer 

try a have a chill before bed and a cuddle with your kids I only have my pillows to cuddle up with like I do every nite life is shit  

take care 

Martin x 

Hi all,

Just to say today went a little better. I actually managed to set one of the exams; still one more to get done and papers to correct.

I don't know why but I'm particularly sensitive at the moment. Well, I do know why: it's the monotony of the days, too much time to mull over the past and, of course, the grief that we're all trying to deal with.  A lot of you are lucky to have gardens to tend, which must be therapeutic, I guess, and just pleasant to have somewhere to go. So, enjoy!

Alison, tell your daughter I sent to say 'bonjour et ne pas se tracasser pour ses examens' - and tell her not to mind too much about her exams, as frustrating as it is. It's better that they're cancelled rather than sitting them under the wrong conditions. 

Bisous.

P.S. Ali, I'm dead jealous of couples and can't bear to watch them happily going about their business.

Hi everyone,

like most of you I’m struggling with this easter weekend. Or was always family time together with our huge family including 5 grandchildren but instead I’m all alone with my grief as my companion. I see everyone’s posts of friends enjoying time together in the garden having bbq’s sharing bottles of wine, I can look out of my window and see neighbours doing the garden together chatting away and it makes me jealous and sad and I sit and cry. My garden is stunning at this time of year but I can’t enjoy it as I should. I’m proud of how much I have achieved by myself house is immaculate due to boredom cleaning and garden neat and tidy but all this means nothing.

Today I’m struggling to get out of bed as I have nothing to get up for! I know common sense will kick in soon and I will get up and workout, shower but then what?

cancer took my Bob and it’s taken me also. I’m a shadow of myself and find 0 enjoyment in anything. This lockdown is doing me no good at all, too much time alone to think and cry. I try but just can’t seem to move forward in any way. I feel like a robot just surviving day by day but this is not living!!!!!

Any suggestions from anyone. 12 weeks since I lost Bob x

Sheila x

Hi Sheila 

the lockdown will end and you can be with your family think about that 

get up and go for a run clear your head  I have nothing to get up only work  but I try to go to bed earlier at nite to help I got up today went for a walk for a hour  then try and keep myself busy I live in a flat no garden to sit in been doing painting the last couple of weekends 

what’s been rattling around in my head this weekend is everything I miss 

take care 

martin x

Hi Sheila,

I have no advice to give, really. I remember when it was 3 months for me. That was when the pain worsened and the grief intensified. (This is not helping, is it?) What I'm trying to say is, everything you're feeling now is natural and there's probably very little one can do to make the pain go away. Just continue doing what you're doing. Cry when you need to; go out in the garden and look at it, even if you can't enjoy it like before. The fact that you can say it's stunning means that beauty still means something to you. For me, it was going to the beach that held me together. I can't now but I have the most beautiful view of the lagoon from my flat and I know that just the beauty of the colours somehow sinks in and soothes me in some way.

Don't force yourself to do anything. Stay in bed as long as you like and go for your run when you're ready. You don't realize it but it's these little things that help. Listen to yourself and do only what you feel like, even if it's nothing. We could have never imagined how much our lives were going to change and we will remain shadows of ourselves or empty shells, as I have often described myself, for a while. Unfortunately, that's the sickening reality of grief. But we are becoming (???).

You don't want to hear this, but you ARE doing great, despite the sadness and despair at times. You are able to recognize your own achievements, so keep going, girl.

Hi everyone 

I’m feeling really emotional today like everyone is I guess.

my daughter is dropping some shopping off for me on her way from work, I haven’t seen her for 3 weeks, I’m really anxious as I don’t know whether it will do me good seeing her drop things on my doorstep and not being able to hug her then feeling so much worse afterwards.

I woke up in the middle of the night, sat bolt upright as I could hear my husband coughing!

This morning, I woke up to him shouting my name up the stairs saying my coffee was ready!  for a small moment, it was as if he was still here and it felt good but reality set in and I feel so sad. Sitting in his rugby top giving me comfort, it smells of him.

finding it hard to hold back tears as I don’t want my daughter seeing me like this and worrying.

deep breaths, deep breaths

take care everyone as I’m sure we are all a little but more sensitive today

Hey limbo

A wise person one answered a strange question in a strange way. "I'm sad and finding it hard to cope, why is that ?" The wise person said. "Are these feelings?" "Yes"  the person answered."They are feelings"  The wise person replied. 'Do you have other feelings?" Yes the person said. "Then you already have all the answeres." 

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi all,

Geoff's post made me revisit a song, I am light by India Arie. Link below;

https://youtu.be/ism8dBjxKvc

This song has made me cry in the past; also made me feel peace at times. Most importantly it inspires me to embrace change.

I usually listen to this in "savasana pose", a restorative pose. Although you can just listen to it - with lockdown I thought I would share as it might help...

With lots of love (or should I say with love and light), 

Dutsie Xx