breakdown

Morning limbo

I cannot help the situation you are in, but can send a virtual (((hug)))

Take care.

Hi limbo 

I don't feel you are whining or feeling sorry for yourself. I see a lady who's expressing her innermost feelings guided by the trauma of grief and to top it all attempting to carry on with a very demanding job.It's seem better to express all that you feel than bottle it up. And I plus many others will be honoured to listen to you.Stay safe my friend.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi Limbo,

I'm so glad you posted on here it's good to share your feelings. Like you I thought I was getting a bit stronger and then out of the blue the overwhelming Grief hits you smack in the face. This time last Saturday I was sat in bed totally consumed with grief listening to music cuddling my Bobs ashes (I lost him 12 weeks yesterday) then i'm sure Bob arranged for my daughter to face time me and help me pull myself together. I then had a better few days and then Thursday after managing to construct some new garden furniture (A first and big achievement for me) I sat on it and sobbed because bob should be sat on it with me admiring the garden he so loved and created. I have a little bird that has taken to coming into the garden he sat and sand his little heart out to me and once again my phone rang it was a friend I don't here from very often and she was able to bring me out of the sobbing episode.

I am isolating alone and it's not helping me. Like you I feel like I've lost myself also. I do try and keep busy, structured, tell myself all the right things but it doesn't take away that ache in my heart or the feeling of panic that hits me about my future all alone. Nothing seems to matter. Our house is clean, I've learned to garden and trying to keep it up to Bobs standard but why? No one to see it or enjoy it or share it with.

Today is a new day and so far still in bed trying to summon up the courage to get out of bed and keep myself occupied. Keep going Limbo, I don't know why but we have to don't we.

Sending hugs

Sheila 

Thank you for your replies, your hugs, your kind words and understanding. I'm watching a documentary on TV and what do I hear as background music? Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. It was one of the songs I played at the burial of his ashes. Yes, we keep going, not really knowing how or why. I'm glad you had those signs, Sheilaj. They do comfort us. Birds seem to play a prominent role when we're grieving. 

We have certainly learnt and achieved so much since our spouses died, despite all the resistence we're putting up. It's like learning to walk all over again.

I'm going to bed now (11 p.m. for me), feeling calmer for having been able to get things off my chest and for receiving your much-needed support. It's good to know that nobody is thinking it's time for me to get over this.

Love to you all.

Hi Sheila. It’s good you managed to build the garden furniture, but I know what you mean about sitting out on it. It’s a beautiful day here ( I live in Ireland ) and we always sat outside having a cup of coffee, but all I think about is Winnie should be her with me. So I am having it in the sitting room looking out the window. 

i cit the grass yesterday and cleaned the windows. Every Saturday I give the house a good doing over. Wash the kitchen and bathroom floors hoover everywhere not that it really needs it , do it just to keep me busy. But I do think what’s the point , only I am going to see it. 
like you I dread the future, when I get up I say here we go again , and look forward to going to bed and saying that’s another day done. 
Happiness is a thing of the past , I can’t remember what it’s like to be happy  

Hope we all have a better day today. 
Mike. 

Hi 

I don't know what level you teach at but my daughter would be glad of a teacher who cares! She has had her GCSES cancelled! All that work!!! 

I understand that your job is overwhelming at the Moment and not what you did all that training for! Our visions and circumstances change. I trained as a nurse at 18. It is nothing like the vision I had and I had not been married twice, lost two husband's, had two children etc when I had a nice vision of making people better!!! 

Anyone of us can have a breakdown and be overwhelmed with grief at any time. It is not going to suddenly disappear or magically get better. No one is there to do that! Don't beat yourself up. 

Tomorrow is another day as they say. The students need you, someone who cares, languages are important, my daughter took French! Go get them today!!! 

Have a relaxing Easter weekend.

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Limbo

it seems the work pressures have got you down also. Don’t be too hard on yourself a little step forward is better than nothing.

although our lives will never be the same and we have been dealt a cruel blow we need to give ourselves time to adjust to our new normal. 

it’s incredibly hard in this social distancing situation, the people you mentioned that you grown close to, are you still in contact via phone/video chat? 

Hi everyone,

I have a rare day off work today and was looking forward to getting some jobs done, but instead I am wondering around aimlessly feeling very negative about everything. 

I've just come in from the garden in tears as I so wanted to get it nice, but the amount of work is beyond my capabilities. I'm not even strong enough to get the mower up the garden steps! LOL

I bought a rattan sofa last year thinking it would be lovely to sit on and have our coffee whilst Mark recuperated....he sat on it once. Now I lie on it and cry!

We all seem to be finding it difficult at the moment. I am much better when I'm at work, distracted and then tired when I get home, but I know most of you are home alone which must be so hard.

Geoff, I love to read your posts, they are so eloquent and insightful, don't stop.

A good friend has just messaged me to say she is going to call me in 15 mins, she always seems to message at the right time!

Love and hugs to you all.

Ali x

Dear Ali

Thank you for your compliment. I always share from the heart and need to be inspired by events or particular posts. Otherwise I fear being patronising which is easy to do when far along the path of grief.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Hi all

been reading all the posts I’ve found the weekend so far very hard  tried to keep busy  painting I even cooked a bit of beef for dinner too

then my brain goes in to over drive just thinking about my wife and missing our life together can’t seem to concentrate when I doing stuff every body tell you it will take time feel like I’m going mad this weekend 

take care all 

Martin x