Dear all, I going to ramble so please bare with me.
Pushing nearly eight months after losing Anne and recently doing so well I've been tipped over the edge and no one is to blame. My friends over the road have been self isolating like me yet I'm still invited over three times a week to have a few beers with my mate whilst his wife welcomes it because my mate loves company. I'm also invited to eat with them. Lovely empathic people
We've done this since shortly after Anne passed and prior to the Corona Virus pandemic because they are caring loving people. But in the last few weeks I been feeling uncomfortable. My friends wife who seems to know every time I leave the house has been giving me the 3rd degree. Where have I been? Did I talk to anyone? Have I kept 2metres apart from others? Did I wash my hands? And veiled threats that if she finds out I'm breaking the rules I won't be invited over again. I only go out to give the car a run to keep the battery charged or to get money from the bank cash machine which I need for certain things. I spray everything with antiseptic and even go over there smelling of it but it doesn't seem to compute. I think I've become the whipping boy because of her paranoid anxiety about my mate who is medically vulnerable to COVID- 19. So my nerves are now on edge. So this Wednesday Im going to say to her I think its in our best interest I no longer visit. Having come to this decision I had a complete emotional melt down tonight and totally out of the blue. I had flash backs of Anne's death. I saw her take her last breath. I'm feeling guilty how controlled I was at the time. Giving her a kiss on the cheek. But I didn't even take her hand afterwards although she passed just after I told her I loved her and she'd been the perfect wife and mum and how the kids loved her to bits. She seemed to wait till they weren't there to pass with me alone and had a smile on her sweet face.Yet guilt ! Then memories and emotions hit me concerning my mum's mental illness.The premature death of my dad as a result of it. Seeing him too taking his last breath. And then visiting and trying to care for my mum whilst she was verbally and abusive towards my dead dad. Reiterating my dad wasnt my biological father. Dad knew of her war time affair but forgave her. Mum was a lovely woman till she went insane and no meds could help her. Just valium that made her turn to drink. Then me dealing with her death and funeral. All the time throughout ALL THESE TRAUMAS I kept my police head on and dealt with the whole lot. I had no choice. I was alone. Now all of this has for the first time kicked me in the stomach emotionally. My kids can't visit me. Daughter works for the NHS and son who has anxiety problems is self isolating. So once again I'll be dealing with all this life shit on my own. My antidepressant meds now hardly touch the problem. I've had just enough of it all now. SORRY.
Geoff
Dear Wife026years
I agree its all a huge unknown. I find it hard to be gentle with myself, What ever I've done in the past I've always felt I could have done better. It's a guilt thing but I have no idea where its come from. And I'm not even Catholic 
I won't shut the door on the relationship. I'll simply say that during the pandemic I should bow out for a while which will put my friends wife's mind at ease.
Love and Light
Geoff
At the end of all our journeying will be to find ourselves back where we started knowing the place for the first time. TS ELIOT.
