It seems the waiting never ends

Hi I'm sure we all feel the same time is dragging and what I wouldn't give just for a sign or a hug in my dreams I guess everyone here is giving each other a virtual hug it's the best we can get at the moment be strong and stay safe everyone

I'm just waiting too.  It is four and a half months since my partner passed, six months since his shock diagnosis. It is a nightmare and I still can't wake up. I feel like I've gone to Hell because Hell is living without him.  I'm waiting for it to end and to be with him again.  That is all I want.  I've struggled so hard over the weeks to try to keep strong and positive, telling myself to keep going because one day it will end etc. but I am beginning to feel despair. The lockdown has been just about the last straw.  Going back to work and keeping busy and being among people were what kept me going.  Being alone in the house is like being in solitary confinement as well as the torture of my grief.

Hi Pam, yes ......tick, tick, tick, tick. Find myself pacing a bit round the house. It is a tiny terrace so can't really get a speed up without hitting a wall. Hug and a virtual sit by your side on a bench in the sunshine. 

Hi All,

I feel exactly the same, grief alone is hard enough to bear but to add in the isolation makes it almost unbearable. I am also totally alone day and night as all my 3 children and 5 grandchildren are socially distancing so can’t even have cuddles from them and I am craving human contact. I have cleaned anything that needs cleaning, painted everything that needs painting, run for miles and miles and still the days drag by and the thought of another 2 weeks terrifies me. Now they are talking about 6 months and I can’t cope. My Bob and I were very tactile, always cuddling and holding hands and I miss him so very much it hurts. I also lie in bed hoping to feel a spiritual cuddle or touch but I don’t get that. 

I have bobs ashes at home as from last Monday and I find myself sitting on the bed cuddling them about 3 or 4 times a day, is that normal?

What can we do I literally could not survive any longer than these 2 weeks or I really will go mad.

Life is crap and empty and meaningless I do things because I need to do something but they don’t mean anything.

Sheila x

Hi Sheila 

the loneliness is horrible missing your spouse and best friend to i could come from work have a chat  about how are days were sit and have dinner together ( Diane was a very good cook  ) Then I would walk the dogs  have not got them either now had to go for a walk by myself now  and cv 19 situation is doing me in as well it affects us more on here with emptiness loneliness 

walk dogs then have cuddle watch tv   When we go  out to town walk round holding hands  I cuddle the pillows in bed a nite because I can’t cuddle here anymore . Now I drive home from work watching couples walking along holding hands. Life is shit. 
My sleep pattern is shit wake up loads of time in the nite  do the rest of you dream about you spouse s like I do . 
had my little rant  yes life is shit for all of us 

take care 

Martin x

Hi Martin, I don't dream of Ken as far as I know. I just remember little things we did rather than the big things, and the memories hurt rather than give me comfort x

hi Martin,

it’s good to rant and then realise you are not alone in your feelings. Actually I sleep well and don’t dream about Bob but I wish I did. I cuddle his shirt that smells of him and I put his photo on my chest and talk to him before I go to sleep then put his picture on his side of the bed. I’ve not cried today and then I feel bad that I’ve not cried!

Another day survived and I cooked an omelette for my tea which is a big deal for me. I didn’t run today so feel lazy. Tomorrow is another day. Have you tried Nitol syrup Martin it worked for me better than the tablets.

Keep going everyone hour at a time and the hours Tuen into days.

sheila x

Hi Everyone, it's me again. Found myself reading posts and felt I had to have some input. This whole Covid19 thing is being hard on all of us that are alone because of Cancer taking our Soul mates away. I still sleep on Tina's Pillow but I cant yet sleep in the bedroom. This feeling of being alone is awful and I for one know that Tina would be in complete panic mode now because of it but we are all facing longer days and nights because they expect us to be sat at home on our own with just Memories. I have not had a phone call or visit for over a week and it is hard. My goal that I set in March is looking like it may have been a waste of time as I have too much time alone. 

We are all fighting more than Covid-19 so we must all be stronger than everyone else. I hope that makes sense.

Keep Safe everyone and God Bless You All

John

Ahh John,

Glad you wrote on here, we will talk to you and listen to you! As much as I keep telling myself we will come out of this it feels to me like this torture will never end. I has a bad night last night I sobbed nearly all night watching videos of my Bob and listening to music and I Hadn’t done that for about a week. I am in complete isolation surrounded by my family that I can’t even see or hold but I do have daily phone calls and face times.

Every morning I wake up and tell myself to get a grip but sadly it’s not as easy as that is it!

Keep going everyone that’s all we can do isn’t it and keep sharing good times and bad times it helps us all 

sheila

I hadn't thought of it like that John but I guess we are dealing with a double dose! 

Still trying to stay positive myself! At least I see people! I am nursing emergency surgery cancer patients at the moment mainly! That can be hard! But they are lovely people! And if I can just give a few words of kindness and show some compassion, at least I am doing good.

Take care everyone.

Love and hugs Alison xxx