Overwhelmed again

Morning Martin and Sheila,

I had a crap night too, tossing and turning, a few tears but not many, asking him to come and hold me, but nothing. I am so jealous of all the people on here that say they feel their loved ones around them because I do not.....he has definitely left me!

I used to think I was a strong independent woman but think I must have been fooling myself. I break down over anything now.

The sun is shining, should be leaping out of bed to walk the dog but I can't summon up any enthusiasm.

Also worried about my dad, he is 90 next month. Just tried to do his normal online shop and can't get it delivered til 5th April!!! Plus half of it is out of stock. 

Hope you both manage a decent day.

Ali x

Morning Ali and Sheila 

I thought I had positive  weekend went shopping  and fishing even manage paint kitchen even had three meals yesterday watch a bit of normal tv 

had the same problem as both of you the longing for the people with loved to be home with us cuddled up with us in bed. And telling them you love them Then feeling guilty I had a good day    And I stay off the chocolate and binge eating in the nite.  Your partners are watching over you Ali and Sheila be good to yourself  
let all try and have a good day take care all 

Martin x

Morning Ali,

I lost my partner on the 20th Nov and it’s without doubt the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  Like you I used to think I was independent and strong.  Well that’s rubbish. I feel sometimes even the smallest thing like keeping on top of bills etc is huge.  We had definite roles and mine was looking after house and hers was the admin of everything. Like you I break down over anything. I suppose the bad days are slightly lessening for me but my goodness when they do hit they wipe me out. 
Have been up for hours but still in dressing gown and feel no motivation to do anything. My dad is nearly 90 to and worry so much about him, I lost my mum and my partner within 15 months of each other I really couldn’t cope with losing him.  I also find the whole virus thing harder as the one person to discuss it with isn’t here.....just another thing to make me feel so lost and alone.  People tell me time is a healer....I really wish I could believe that but right now nothing feels like I will heal. 

Hi Sheila and everyone,

The topic of eatin and drinking is certainly an interesting one. I remember that I was very underweight when Paul died. I just hadn't been able to eat regular and normal sized meals while caring for him in the last weeks of his life. I was only 39 kg in the weeks after. My iron levels were very low. I started eating again when people told me that I looked really unwell. And at first it was only ready meals or bread; I certainly didn't feel like cooking for myself and, what was even worse, sit down and have a meal on my own. But, over time, I got used to normal eating again. Last spring, I bought a smoothie maker in Lidl and that has turned out to be a wonderful decision because I was now able to get a lot of fruit and veg and also protein powder into my system. I started takin multivitamin supplements and minerals. I also developed strategies such as eating while the TV, radio or an audio book was playing, somehow it was easier that way when I didn't have to concentrate on the meal as such. And now, even though it is not often with joy, I am eating quite well.

I was never a heavy drinker. When Paul was still here, I used to have the occasional glass of wine or G&T at weekends. But, since he is gone, I have been drinking more. I can now go through a bottle of wine, sometimes two, in one week. I don't drink every night but I like it when I can do it. I get never really drunk but certainly feel more relaxed after a drink or two or maybe even three. I wish I could just go back to the days when I would have a fennel or chamomile tea in the evenings.

Smoking, on the other hand, is not a problem. I would have one or two cigarrettes a day, always in the evening after work, whereas before I used to smoke 10 or 15 a day.

But, Sheila, you are right. It is time to try to eat and drink healthily and stop doing the things that aren't good for us. Of course we shouldn't be hard on ourselves but at the same time we all know that too many ready meals and too much fast food and too much drink isn't good for us and I think it would be good if all of us could try and go back to the way they were eating and drinking before all this happened.

Love, Mel.

Hi Sheila and all,

The decision regarding Bob's ashes must be a difficult one. I remember when I had to make the same decision about Paul's ashes. I got them home to me one month after he died. And I had them here, sitting on the landing in our house where we used to sit a lot because somehow we felt that this was a sacred place, but last summer, when my mum came to visit, I decided that they had been here long enough. Paul was so connected with nature and the beauty of nature, I just knew that by keeping him here I would make him be caged in some way if that makes sense. Well, there is nothing rational about it, it was just how I felt at the time. So my mum and I went to our favourite beach nearby on the evening of 15th July at 8.15PM, exactly 15 months after his death, and released the ashes into the sea. Afterwards I felt both: very good because I had done it and given him back to nature, and bad because I thought "Did I do the right thing?" and "Should I maybe kept him with me and let the ashes be mixed with mine when I die?" But I now feel that it was good what I did at the time. I have kept a little bit back because I would like to do something special with them, like let them be put into a ring or something like that, but I am not sure yet.

Love, Mel.

Hi all I have a little tube with some ashes of my wife which is around my neck also her wedding ring a little bit of her with me all the time 

Dear Ian 

Such a comfort my friend. Stay safe mate.

Love and Light Geoff 

Hi Geoff sent you an email

Dear Ali 

Your love one hasn't left you. It's hard for the Spirit of our loved one  to make contact when we are grieving too deeply. And oddly if we go looking for signs they will never turn up. As time goes by and the rawness of your grief metomorphisises into something else signs may well appear. A white feather spotted on the pavement in the street. A coin in the house appearing where it shouldn't be. Maybe a bird or animal that seems to follow you around. The signs can come in many forns. But when it happens YOU WILL KNOW. Your intuition will tell you. 

Lovevabd Light 

Geoff x

Hi Geoff 

you give us all hope I’ve read your posts today they say time is a great healer  and it will take time  i will look for signs  

Martin x