What Ive discovered

Yes. My husband’s niece read it at our wedding and again at his funeral. I have it framed in my hallway. Not feeling too strong atm though. 

Hi messy mum

Bless you

My two are 16 and 20 now ( tells me he is a man)! My 16 yr old can be stroppy but she has just had a huge disappointment with GCSES. My son is better now and since being at uni and then after two years changing his mind and coming home and getting a job he had matured somewhat and does appreciate me. He has been fantastic over Ric passing despite losing his own dad too a few years back and not always seeing eye to eye with his stepdad. They did make things right before he died. Good for them both.

What I am saying is they grow up and the outburst stop and they appreciate you and say they love you. We are pretty close now. They tell me most things, sometimes to shock me! Lol.

They do however still like their own space so sometimes little company!

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi all

My kids are feeling the strain of being in together & also me self isolating- I haven’t been well in over a week but I’m not sure if it’s flu or covid but I’m in bed most of the time & that’s causing stress as they are all worrying about me. 
I’m also feeling as guilty as hell as I am NHS & about to be redeployed- but not well enough to go in. 

My parents are worrying about me too- mum doesn’t want me going in to work. She’s like your the only parent the kids have now. My boss has been great, but once I’m well I will be straight back to it.
Missing my hubby so very much, & yet knowing this would be a nightmare trying to keep him safe & as well as he could be. Every morning I think he wouldn’t believe how our lives are right now. 

Big hugs to all feeling the strain tonight, remember  we are in this together. Much love 

Sarah xx

Hi All,

im really struggling this weekend as since I lost my darling Bob 10 weeks ago weekends have been my saviour being surrounded by my elderly parents, three children and 5 soon to be 6 grandchildren and time flew by but now'!!!!!!!!!!!
I live alone so therefore can’t see anyone and it’s killing me and not even a week yet. Too much time means more time at sit and think and cry and worry and it’s not good for me.

i would give anything to be isolated with Bob but like most of you know he would not survive this virus as he was so very weak and frail at the end and I’m also grateful that We could have the funeral he deserved and final send off when 150 of us could celebrate his life. I would feel doubly cheated if there could only be 5 of us but even when I tell myself this it doesn’t really help.

last week I decided to structure my days and I think I did well. I ran (a lot) cleaned, gardened (new experience to me) planned my meals and avoided crap food so I was proud of myself but it’s all gone to pot this weekend. How much cleaning and gardening can I do over the next 2 weeks? Will I actually survive this if this goes on until June ( I don’t think I will)

Yesterday I didn’t go out of the door never even saw another human being and only spoke to people over the phone and face time. I miss Bob so very much and I’m struggling. Doing things robot style. My house is spotless, my garden is all in order but why they mean nothing without him and no one to see or share it with. 

ive resisted alcohol but been tempted as I see everyone with virtual house parties or having drinks with their family’s that they still have in the house and that makes me even more sad and alone. I could easily open a bottle of wine and stay in bed and drink it all away today. I won’t of course and plan to go out and run 8 miles with my thoughts and music. I’m sure I will even cry while doing this.

thanks for listening to my rant and thoughts everyone.

Sheila x

Hi All,

So sorry you're struggling at the moment Sheila, I too have come on here to rant this morning!

Had big row with teenage son this morning about how selfish and lazy he is (nothing new, but getting me down) but still gave him a lift to work! Got back and found so much rubbish and dishes in his room sat on his bed and screamed! Took the dog out to calm down and started sobbing, good job there's nobody about!

I want to tell him how disappointed his Dad would be as he was always saying "help your Mum out Sam, she's so tired" but I can't bring myself to say it as I know he would be hurt and he is grieving too. 

Now I'm home trying to compose myself as I'm in work at 12 but to be honest I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

What a load if crap this life is.

Ali x

Hi Sarah,

You must not feel guilty. If you are I'll, you are I'll. I am pleased your boss is being good! I have heard bad stories from all my NHS friends. I came out of the NHS to the Nuffield about 9 months ago and I know I would not have had the same support from the NHS from 30 years plus working for them! We are the first Nuffield to have started our NHS emergency work only. I have already moved roles from poac to ward. 

My children and parents feel the same you are the only parent left for them. Family comes first not a job! I too am relieved Ric is not living this as I don't know how  he would have been safe. 

We will be safe as soon as everyone realises that everyone must self isolate when told to.

Stop feeling guilty, get well and take care of yourself. A poorly member of staff is no good to the NHS!!! 

Love and hugs

Alison xxx

Keep going Ali, you are doing well. I had a day like that a few days ago. My eyes looked terrible when I got to work but everyone was brilliant and I feel better now. We expect too much of ourselves! 

My son has been good. But my daughter is lacking motivation! I think it is a bit to do with her GCSES but it is hard work when she has not done the little things I have asked or Huff's at me! 

Try and have a good day at work. Take care. 

Love and hugs

Alison xxx

Keep going Shelia, you are doing so well. Have you got a neighbour to chat to over the fence may be? 

I am lucky to get out to work. Even though we can't stand close at least it is company! 

I went for a walk the other day, not so much for exercise but to just glimpse someone different and to get a smile! 

You are good not turning to alcohol it will make you feel worse really. 

My house is clean and garden tidy too! I am trying to spread out my chores now. 

Love and hugs

Alison xxx

Hi Shiela,

it is hard for us not seeing anyone and I feel exactly the same, what’s the point etc.

But, there is a point, we are here and sometimes we feel like we don’t want to be here but we are and lots of people would be going through the emotions we are feeling if we were not here.

I think you are doing so well Sheila, it’s great that you can share your innermost feelings on here and have an outlet, 

you said you felt like staying in bed and drinking wine but won’t. Your going to go for that run, yeah you might cry but it’s good to get it out. 

See, you are pushing forward, I try and plan to do one positive thing a day, sometimes I have to re evaluate what a positive thing is but even small steps forward is progress.

9 weeks I’ve been without the love of my life, I feel exactly the same as you but push myself forward as that’s what he would want so I’m doing it for him and my family.

You will feel better when you come back from your run.

We are all supporting each other on here and it’s greatly needed more than ever now.

sending much love

Thank you everyone for your kind words and sharing similar thoughts and experiences with me makes me feel I’m not going mad. Well I didn’t stay in bed and drink wine. I got up and did a 7 mile run then came back and showered and then did some little jobs around the house to keep busy. I even meet a friend on my run so had a chat at a good distance so first chat with a real live person was nice and I also saw my little Robin which I see is my sign from Bob telling me I’m doing ok.

had people phone me and face timed and read a book to my granddaughter. Finally made a cup of tea and on the sofa and that’s where I will be staying. I am going to plan my meals for the week and make a shopping list to tackle the shops tomorrow and mentally prepare for the coming week.

we have no choice but to try and carry on for the sake of our lost loved ones. I’m saying this now but could be in floods of tears later. I have taken to holding Bobs ashes ( which by the way I dint want home initially but bought him home on a whim last Monday) when I hold him I can feel my heart rate change and seem to calm down with deep breathing. Strange how this happens but it works for me.

i am focussed on getting through  next two weeks but also scared about how I will cope if it goes on longer than this!

This grieving really is a journey of highs and lows for sure no two hours are ever the same. Keep going everyone.

sheila x