bad days

Good morning Geoff  just to say you are not going mad, we all do different things to keep us going. I talk to my Ron all the time. My daughter bought me an Alexa for Christmas and now I even talk to her by saying Good Morning and I get such a good reply about things that have happened historically in the past. When I come in I say I am home and get a welcome home and when going to bed I say Goodnight and she answers. If that is not mad I don"t know what is it is lovely to hear another voice in the home. My Ron would be laughing at me but he would so understand. Going to London tomorrow with my friends who have lost their husbands so we always have a good understanding time together. Love and hugs to you. Geoff. xx  Carol xx

Geoff, that was such a lovely post and seems to fit the bill with all of us. I do occasionally talk to Mark in our bedroom but I have 2 grown up children who would definitely think I had lost the plot if they heard me! I took a diazepam last night and had the best nights sleep I've had in months (the doctor gave me them when Mark was diagnosed terminal as I fell apart but I managed without them).

Carol, my son bought me an Alexa for Christmas and I say "Good Morning Alexa, play me some nice music" whenever I enter the living room lol. 

I have to walk my dog now as she is sitting staring at me.....Mark was the morning/night time walker!

Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday.

Love Ali x

morning everyone, 

Another day. Ali like you I have just walked my dog.....it is good as it gets me out into the woods which I feel is very cathartic.  luckily I dont meet many people as I chat/shout/whinge to my partner. 

Going to tackle another cupboard today! I have to as I am moving in April.  I might just end up boxing everything of my partners up and storing it in the spare bedroom till I am really ready!!

Well good day to you all. There is definitely strength in numbers.

x sandra

Sandra,

Moving is very stressful on top of everything else you are going through. Maybe it would be best to take your partners stuff with you if you can.

Are you moving through choice or necessity? I will probably have to move next year, house is too big now and can't really afford to keep it on. 

Love Ali x

Dear Ali,

Yes I think I will probably bix up everything and slowly over time sort things. I need more strength to do it.

where I live is a house that went with my partners job and I have the option to stay here for two years but I hate being here. the memories I have aren't bad as it wasn't her fault she became I'll but they are uncomfortable memories and top and bottom she isnt here and I hate that. She wint be in the other house i know but we got married from there so have amazing memories but also closer to family.

x sandra

Hi Sandra,

If you have good memories then I would definitely take her stuff with you. Sometimes I think we rush things, I took loads of Mark's things to charity shop straight away as I thought 'what's the point in putting them away' now however I don't seem to be able to get rid of anything else. I like to see his boots on the shoe rack and his blazer on the hook.

I thought I'd had a really good day today, not too many tears, met a close friend for coffee and had a laugh. Then I bumped into a neighbour in the supermarket who asked how Mark was? and that was it, like a punch in the tummy. One step forward, 2 steps back...

Ali x

Dear Ali,

Just read your profile. I lost Diane on the 20th November. We had her last appointment on the Tuesday week before where we were also told treatment was stopping as she was to ill and if treatment was to carry on she would end up in hospital and not come out. She had always said she wanted to be at home. She was 52. I am ten years older so it was never meant to be this way and now feel like I am just waiting to join her.

like you my day was okish until I also met someone who asked how I was doing, not as bad as your conversation, but I then spent the ne xt hour crying.  

Grieving is such a hard, lonely, sad, draining and every other word to describe desolation, process! It is heartwarming to hear from people who have learned to adjust or who have developed coping mechanisms...  as hard as I try, i cant ever envisage being able to.

you are in my thoughts x

Hi Nothernlass,

Thank you for your post.

You wrote: "I'm beginning to realise that maybe I need to stop trying to live the same life I had when my husband was alive, but on my own, time to try new things/ways. Of course, I don't really want to, I just want my old life back!"

Yes, that's exactly what I have been thinking too. It is as it is now and we have to live this new life as best we can. Always looking back to how things used to be and trying to recreate that life all the time is futile.

You wrote: "Having read your posts from time to time,it sounds like you've been making good progress, so hopefully this will just be a 'blip'."

I think it was just that. It was a sunny and relatively mild day - the kind of day Paul and I used to love - and it was a day when I had no work - something which I truly hate because it gives me too much time on my own and too much time to think - and I had no plans for the whole day except to look for a plant - which is something that Paul would have enjoyed as well. So it just was one of those days where everything made me acutely aware of the fac that he is no longer here but also how much he would love the house and our life here and how much he would appreciate our house with the few canges I have made.

Love, Mel.

Hi Mel,

Glad you're sounding a bit better today. I think we'll probably have these blips from time to time, hopefully with longer periods in between. When you've been 'ok' (ish!) for a while they come as a bit of a shock, don't they?

Yes, too much time on our hands isn't a good thing is it? The only trouble is, keeping busy is very tiring! At almost 62, I am a lot older than you though! As an only child, quite happy in my own company and doing things on my own, it has come as quite a shock to me that I find a couple of days without company or something particular to do quite hard. I hadn't expected that. Nothing's quite like I imagined it would be.

Hope the rest of your weekend goes well x

I think that is it Mel, finding a ' different' life. I am not sure how yet. At the moment I am busy busy busy so I don't break!!! I need to slow down, I know that, just don't know how! I have always done everything for everyone else and find it hard to stop and give myself time. I have bought a dvd to watch but not given myself the time to do it yet. It is something Ric would have enjoyed too and maybe I am scared I will get a weak moment and end up crying!!! I try not to do that too often as once I start I struggle to to stop! 

I worked hard yesterday cleaning and finding a few bits and bobs to put out as reminders. I have had some of my favourite photos printed yesterday but not framed them yet. I have one for next to my bed. I need to do that today! Small steps I guess.

Have a relaxing Sunday everyone xxx