bad days

Hi everyone,

I hope that everyone has an okay-day today.

I haven't had a bad day in a long time. But today is one of those days when I feel very melancholic. I don't know what set me off this morning. But I was thinking of Paul and how lovely it would be if I still had him, fit and well and enjoying life of course, with me. I went out to a garden centre this morning to purchase a large indoor plant - again, this idea came to my mind because I was thinking of Paul so much because a couple of years ago we used to have such a plant but it sadly outgrew our home and we had to give it away, and this morning I just knew I wanted a new one. But when I came home a couple of minutes ago - I haven't been able to get one by the way - I thought: It is so quiet without him. Why do I have to do it all on my own now? And then the feeling that, on one hand, I don't know why I am making this house more beautiful because he isn't here to enjoy it with me and actually the more beautiful it gets the sadder I am because he should be here with me to experience it; and yet, there is the need in me to do it because I like it and because I feel it is good for me and also becaue I know he would want me to. Anyway, what I mostly wanted to say is: Today is one of those days when I feel quite low, quite close to tears, and that is because I am thinking of Paul more than on other days and it is making me sad.

Love, Mel.

Hi everyone,

Well I've just got in from work and have got straight into bed. It is so bloody hard being cheerful all day long when all I want to do is cry.

Mark would normally make me a cuppa when I got home from work and we'd have a chat and maybe watch The Chase, decide what to have for dinner etc. Now I return to an empty house in darkness, can't be bothered to cook and am exhausted with all the pretence. I hate this new life.

I am 55 and my life is over.

Ali x

Hi really don't know how to help you I am very much the same some days ...I really hate comeing home to dark house so got some timers that switch your light on and off 2for£5 made a big difference ...don't know where you are  but we had snow yesterday and has not stop raining since last night ...so as I am disabled and do not work have been in bed most off day and some times it's help others it just makes me worse 

know what you mean by pretence when falk phone etc trying to act cheery but when talking about hubby I just want to cry ..try and get up later and make yourself something to eat even if just toast on chesse etc ..it's a long hard lonely rd we are all ..but we have got lots of support on here thank goodness for that x

Hi Mel ..know exactly how you feel ..I striptease our kitchen in November had to get it replasterd ..been done for ages now and I have no interest at all in getting someone in to paint or put up some tiles and that is not like me I am normally a person that wants it done right away ..you wrote about the garden and how hard that is ..I really don't want to go back into our garden we move here 5 years ago and my hubby and son have done so much work in the garden for me ...to try and make it easier for me ..it's a really large garden and I lost all interest in it last year when hubby was in and out of hospital ..I feel like that as you have no one to share the joy of watching plants tress etc that we planted growing or seeing what's comeing up next it all seems no point to it .

I know that if hubby was still here he would be giving me a good talking to ..make the most of life but all seems so pointless at times ..maybe when spring comes we all might feel a bit bett I really hope so x

Hi Mel,

Sorry you're having a bad day today. It's strange how they come a bit out of the blue isn't it? Perhaps you have thought as I have that we wouldn't have these days 2 years down the line? (I think you were widowed at a similar time to me?)

A friend who has been widowed twice told me that the journey isn't linear, but up and down, so I guess it's normal to have these days even now.

I imagine Paul would have been happy to think you still cared for your home. Maybe get a different type of houseplant? I'm beginning to realise that maybe I need to stop trying to live the same life I had when my husband was alive, but on my own, time to try new things/ways. Of course, I don't really want to, I just want my old life back!

Having read your posts from time to time,it sounds like you've been making good progress, so hopefully this will just be a 'blip'. Hope your evening is a bit better, and you get a good rest tonight. x

Hi Ali , Mel and ww123. Everything you all said is exactly how I feel. I am nearly 7 months on this horrible road. , trying to put a normal face on when out , people thinking that you are ok. When really you are breaking up inside. Coming back to a cold empty house and sitting there all night on your own is enough to drive you crazy. 
I keep the house tidy and try to keep everything in order. And then think what’s the point, no one is going to see it or tell you that it looks good. No one to care for or care for us. I still do one day at a time all our future and plans have all gone up in smoke, I wouldn’t call this living, just surviving from one day to the next. 
I was married for 43 years and can’t imagine a future without my wife. 
hope we can all have a better day tomorrow. 
Mike. 

Hi All, 

I have had a good day today. I am trying to stay positive. I am planning a holiday with my daughter for after her prom in July. I know Ric would want me to do this. We had talked about it. 

Work has been busy, already doing overtime because we are so short staffed! But it helps a bit. As a nurse, looking after others problems diverts from my own! 

I have come to a slight standstill with sorting possessions but I guess there is no hurry and I am not beating myself up over it. My son is watching me closely! I heard him telling his sister to be kind and give me time! Bless him. He is do grown up at 20! 

I have treatef myself tonight to a hot Lush bath, a pink gin, few choccys, a bit of telly, my daughter has done me a pedicure, feet up with rubbish on telly and going to get in to a warm bed! Treatemyself to a new mattress topper and electric blanket!

Hi Akela2516,

I am glad you have had a good day today.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to stay positive even though the situation you find yourself in is difficult.

A holiday with your daughter sounds like a lovely thing to plan and look forward to. And it's great that you can remember that

Ric would want you to do this.

I am so glad to hear that you are busy at work, even though being short-staffed must bring its own pressures and difficulties. I would love to be a nurse. I think it would give me such purpose to know that I am looking after other people in need. My own work has been quiet recently and I really feel tat it is getting me down. I am a person who just loves looking after others and I need it to feel good in a way.

It's great that your son is watching you closely. It is lovely to have people look out for us and our well-being. I agree. There is no time with sorting things out. I still have most of Paul's things around me and I love it the way it is.

It sounds lovely what you have treated yourself to tonight! I love the pink gin myself. Just didn't have any left for tonight so just had a Bombay Sapphaire - not my favourite but it had to do :-)

Love, Mel.

Dear All

I've read with deep interest and concern all the varying points made by everyone. Yes I have jobs started but unfinished. I have days when I spend too much time in bed because its the only place I feel comfort knowing that at any time I can fall asleep and get out of this world. And Anne had a house plant she thought was dying but it wasn't,  and since her passing I've paid attention to it and at least for the moment its thriving. ( OMG! Have I tempted the Devil? lol) Yes. Returning toa cold lonely  house syndrome affects me to. So Ive got into the habit of entering the living room,  looking at Anne's photo on the mantle piece and saying "Hello my love I'm home." And carrying on as if she was still there by telling her where I've been and what I've done. Yes I'm a complete nut case but who cares if it helps. I do like my beer but I enjoy a Bombay gin and tonic from time to time Mel.  Not my favourite to but it has to do as I get it in for a widowed friend up the road who visits from time to time. Sadly I have to admit that being retired I have more time to kill than most of you good folk so unless Im out shopping or seeing friends I tend to look for the alcohol about mid afternoon otherwise the anxiety starts to kick in. Butterflies in the stomach and dark thoughts. So I have to be honest and say that after a good few pints I feel back to normal - What ever that means? Oh! the games  we all have to play to keep going. But as long as they work we are all doing OK, 

Love and Light 

Geoff

I  am lucky Geoff that I have my two children to tell I am home but I do talk to Ric. I do still message him on his FB messenger as I used to! Not been ready to close that yet!!! I tell him about my day sometimes and when I am fed up! It helps! My bit of madness! 

Xxx