Belongings

Hi Mike, 

I haven't moved any of my husbands stuff either. His toiletries are still in the bathroom, his wardrobe untouched, his reading glasses and aftershave, where he left them. And I have no intention to move anything. Even the table in the kitchen is still set for two. I got a photo on his placemat, so when I sit at the table, I can see him and talk to him.

I am definitely not ready yet to change this as I would feel, I am throwing him out of our home and closing a chapter in my life. 

Can't help you there. I'm at two years and still have virtually all my husband's belongings. I have put some clothes into a suitcase. His game consoles went to my church for the youth group.  His shaving gear is where he left it and I haven't the heart to wipe away the last sticky marks on his chair.

There's no rush for you to do anything you don't feel ready for.

I still have alot of my husband's things and I will always keep some. 

Things I did remove and I smiled while I did it were duplicates of things. My husband hated shopping so if he liked a tee shirt he got them in every colour, he had about 8 pairs of blue jeans too so I have kept 1 of each. But all his work shirts and trousers I have kept for now. I moved his toothbrush into a cupboard and only recently I have put his glasses and watch into his top draw at the side of the bed, I do look at them often. I think he would be annoyed that I am still keeping everything as "things" didn't interest him.

I also take photos of his clothes before I recycled them, so I can always look at them. 

It is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with, my husband has been gone since 31 March 2018 and I am not ready to remove much more.

Hi Winmick,it’s 21months since Rob passed-died-whatever helps people having to talk to me!! I have a large suitcase in the shed with a lot of Robs clothes.I couldn’t give his clothes to a charity shop because I’m such a coward I thought I would see someone wearing his things.I have his police hat,epilates,etc I couldn’t get rid of those God knows what the heck I’m going to do with them.My youngest daughter has joined the police a year after Robs death-I can hear Rob saying what a Twit!- but well anyway I have so many of his things- football programmes- books-referee strips-cassettes!! I still have his aftershave,I spray it often,he got upset because as he said that would be the only thing to remind me of him.How wrong he was-is- I miss his stupid nicknames for all of us,I miss his stupid police stories,I miss how he could just make us feel safe,I miss him.Sorry what to do with Winnies belongings? Whatever you feel you want to do.

There is no hard and fast rule in any of this, do what you feel comfortable with.  The first time I tried , I took a bag of clothing to the clothing bank, put it in then cried my eyes out for half an hour, the second time about 10 months after my wife had passed away, I made a point of taking it to one of the thrift shops, where things can still be past on cheaply to people in need , which I thought Adele would like more, it was still hard to do  , although knowing it was going to do some good made it more of a bitter sweet experience.

She was a knitting fanatic, so I made sure all her wool , needles and books went to the Local knitting group, they sold quite a lot and we split the proceeds, 50/ 50 to the Church knitting group and a forces charity .  

Good luck what ever you decide to do.

My adult children helped me to bag up my husband’s clothes 3 months after he died - we made a weekend of it and rewarded ourselves with Sunday lunch out - we took everything to the hospice shop and have already helped them to raise money (they contacted us to let us know).  We kept a few bits and had some funny moments with some of his more ‘eccentric’ choices of clothes.  The clothes weren’t him and to be honest, we’ve all felt more positive since we did it.  It freed us up to revisit happier times.  Sure this approach isn’t for everyone but after 35 years together, I would love him to know the firm foundation we created together which is helping us to move forward (with him always just in the background checking up on us).

Thank you all for your replies. I think the best thing for me is to leave everything where it is. It gives me some sort of comfort to have them around me. And haven’t the hart to move anything. 
it is also nice to see that there is many more people like me. 
thank you all. Mike 

Hi Mike,

That's exactly right, if keeping your wife's belongings brings you a comfort then there is no need to remove them. Next week it will be 5 months for me and I haven't removed any of Danny's belongings. I have distributed some of the things to his best friends just just before Christmas and  they really appreciated to have some of their best mate's belongings, it brought them a comfort too.

Everybody is different and deal with these things differently. Consequently, we're all at the different levels of readiness when it comes to removal of our loved one's belongings. Some are ready sooner and some will never be ready. And that's OK. I think we should keep doing /or not doing in this case/ whatever we feel is right for us as individuals. I personally think that I would forever keep some of Danny's things, maybe some sort of memory box or boxes that I would always go to when I need to in the future.

I also think that we'll always seek a comfort and keep the connection with our loved ones alive in so many different ways - whether is it a smell of their perfume, talk, song, flowers, drink, clothes - anything that  might make this unbearable situation a bit more bearable. Whatever we feel is right for us is the right thing to do.

Love Dalia xxx 

Dalia, 

You described it beautifully. 

Mike,

I also dont know what I should do with Amanda's things.

I've left almost all of it exactly where she left it, the bathroom looks exactly as it always did. Her clothes I keep thinking I should take some of them to the hospice shop or the cancer research shop, but I cant yet bear to take them, so everything stays more or less as it always was.

I've given a few things to the family, but if I look around it's much as it was. She has a lot of clothes and shoes, I will always keep some of them, as they have memories, but one day I will need to reduce the amount of things, it's just not something I can think about just yet.

Theres no right or wrong Mike, if you feel comfortable you do whatever you think is right there is no answer that fits us all.

Gary.