really enough is enough

Hi Julian

So sorry to ready what you are going through. I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't because I am not an expert. I do know though that you are grieving terribly. I will be two years in next month (June) since my husband Jay passed from bowel cancer after a two year fight and at one time going into remission only for it to come back along with sepsis (4 times) and take him a second time. When he was going through his treatment I went to a very dark place and like you I didn't want to be here but I had the incentive to reach out to other organisations as well as coming on here to the forums which have been a great help. I wonder if you have heard of the charity SHOUT it is a text service and you contact them anonymously. They will listen to what you have to say and what you are going through. I used them a few times when I was really desperate and I got just as far as only `thinking about not being here` and didn't actually do anything and contacted SHOUT. There is also the website CALM I think that is only a men's website but think it's for anyone male or female and I have used that. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to because we all get it. Marie Curie also do a chat service I have used them too. There are so many other resources you can reach out to if you need to but coming on here has helped me a lot too. 

I still can't comprehend that Jay is gone. So much has happened within those two years some good and bad and he's not here to share those experiences with. Our son got married at the beginning of the year in February and he wasn't here for that I managed to get through the day though and it was a lovely day and everything went well for them but just bittersweet that his dad wasn't there but my new daughter in law lost her mother last year also to stomach cancer so they have both now lost a parent. Hard as it will be for you just now, but just try to take things one day at a time. I still have my `dark days/weeks` or as I call them my `F**K It` weeks where I don't want to do anything or go anywhere but like unwelcome visitors they finally leave and I can then try to move forwards again. My best wishes to you moving forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand what you are saying,  I lost my soulmate Christmas Day after nearly 18 years together.  I met him in my 30s and meeting him made me realise what true love really was. I idolised him, I still do. Feels like a chain dragging my heart down, a knife literally stabbing me in the heart with pain. I have to children in their 20s who lost their dad to suicide 13 years ago but I can't stop thinking that I just want to be with my partner.  Life seems mundane and pointless and although try do things with friends inside I feel dead. I feel bitter about everything . I'm not the same person anymore and feel like nobody understands how bad this really is inside.  

hi thank you for replying and i so so sorry for the loss of your husband.Before i go on the funny thing is no one cals me julian any more it was shortened to Jay many many years ago just wanted to say that.I totally feel what you are saying its just so hard ive never felt this level of quit in me iam holding on by the thinnest of thread every day is the highest mountain to climb and i dont want to climb any more just got nothing left to give me my son he had never seen me cry till now we talk about things he knows that i am effected badly but not to the level ive said here,and i know for you how Hard it was and still is How do we all get over this in truth we dont not in my book ive allways carried hope but hope has gone what to do when hope is gone.i am so sorry that you lost Jay i really hope that you still have hope or will find hope.for me i just feel so empty.And on the night of the day that cveti died when i finally feel a sleep i had a clear dream of her surrounded by white light.i could see her as a white golden light and she was saying to me "come to me"and since that moment all i want to do is be with her but ive got to make sure the net round martin is good and secure he needs a lot of care.i will try the other organisations that you mentioned and i wish you and your family every strength that you need to survive.strength that i have sadly lost.takecare 

hi i totally get you.that knife has cut through my heart and is just working its way round to what ever is left.and the way you put it is just the way i saw cveti we where each others world.i cant be without her This pain is off the chart.And i am so sorry for your loss knowing how i feel know i understand how you feel its just not right i know we all have to die but for ffs she was only 42 and 3 brain tumours she was so brave.Braver than me even after 30 odd boxing matches and when there is children involved its even harder.iam totally with you its only us that understand this pain & even then its different for each of us.it just feeel like a dark prison with no door.do takecare

Dear Julian / Jay - just read the last post and not sure which you'd prefer!

Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your loss, and your situation. I lost my beloved Anne 8 months ago, and I have been ripped apart since then.

I also have issues with my neck (motorbike crash, whiplash injury 35 years ago) leading to damaged C3-C5, numbness down right arm, pins and needles and pain in shoulder down to my wrist etc so I can understand a little of what you are also suffering.

From experience, I know that Gabapentin, although it can be effective in helping control pain, can also really mess with your emotions, especially when under emotional stress, and can lead to suicidal thoughts.

PLEASE, if you think it could be messing with you like this, call your GP ASAP and explain. Other meds are available without these effects.

Both Amitriptyline and Gabapentin can cause fainting attacks (also known as drop attacks) and dizziness - were you experiencing the vasovagal syncope episodes before starting on Amitriptyline and Gabapentin? Please talk to your GP about these.

I hear your pain when you say you don’t want to live without Cveti – I can so understand. Without my Anne, I feel I am living in black and white, not the full Technicolour / surround sound I had with her. It is so hard just to haul myself out of bed in the morning (except when I am thrown out by the screaming nightmares). Nothing seems to be worthwhile.

But I am very slowly learning that there is a life – it might be so hard, so difficult, but it is there. I am very fortunate that I have a brilliant GP and mental health nurse – I realise that not everyone is so lucky.

However, I would say that if you are not comfortable with the counsellor you are seeing, ask your GP if there is someone else you can see – not everyone can “gell” with the first person they see, especially with a traumatic passing – it may be that you would be better with with someone else.

You need to find someone you can trust with the deepest secrets in your soul to find healing. I am nowhere near that yet, but I keep hoping.

Please, if you feel it is getting too much, please call CRUSE Bereavement on 0808 808 1677 - The opening times for the helpline are:

• Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday – 9.30am – 5pm

• Tuesday – 1pm – 8pm

• Saturday & Sunday – closed

If they are closed, PLEASE call the Samaritans on 116 123 – they are available 24*7.

PLEASE, PLEASE know that you are not alone. I am not ashamed to admit, I have called CRUSE, and the Samaritans – they have saved my life, literally, at least twice in the last 5 months.

In case anyone is wondering, I am not medically trained, I just have a scientific background and over the years have developed an in depth knowledge of painkillers, chemo, immunotherapy and other meds I wish I didn’t know. By the end, my Anne was on Morphine, Oramorph, Oxycodone, Oxynorm (varying strengths), Amitriptyline, Pregabalin, Gabapentin, Fentanyl, Lorazepam, Midazolam, Levomapromazin, Dexamethasone - and thats just the ones I can remember, I know there were many others. It became a full time job tracking what she had and when.

I was her husband, her lover, her friend, but also her carer for far too many years, her medical researcher, to the point where our GP (and even the oncology consultant) was asking ME about the meds and their interactions!

I became very aware, that for every benefit, there is often a downside, and it can be a very fine balancing act between the two. The GP / Doctors will always do their best, but not everyone reacts the same way to meds.

If you are unsure, unhappy about your meds, how they are making you feel, what you think may be happening to you because of them, PLEASE talk to your GP ASAP about this. You will not be the only one.

Wishing you all the best, and remember You Are Not Alone

Chris

From the Song# I am Not Okay by Home Free.......

I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright

Hi chris thank you man for replying just call me jay every one else does.With regards to vasovagal that started 10 years ago and i started on gabapentin and the amitriptyline about 6 years.and iam on midorine for the black outs.And thank you i tottaly get every thing you said and with its hardewr because i have ptsd as well so i think you get my drift just some how got to keep moving forward but i on empty man theres nothing left in the tank.and i am so sorry man for the loss of your anna