Dating

Hi irq74 

Sorry to hear about your wife - as you have noted above - "she told me to move on and enjoy life" - and I am sure if the situation had been reversed you would have said the same.

Perhaps one thing many fear is failure but then perhaps the biggest failure might be not to try.

One of my friends lost their wife and he joined the dating scene though he found it quite challenging. Not always a success but he did end up finding a special lady and they have now been married for a number of years. 

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thanks Steve,I appreciate your approach.

**edited to correct autocorrect inserting the wrong name - Sorry Steve **

Jan was 22 years older than  e, we got together when I was 19 and she was 41. Nobody gave us a chance, especially not her kids that are 2 and 4 years younger than I am. We talked about her dying from very early in our relationship, especially when I proposed to her. Long, deep conversations before both our engagement and wedding.

You are right, I told her that if something happened to me, she deserved happiness and she should go on, find someone new, but never regret what we had.

I resonate with your comment about the biggest failure being not to try.

So to gell what others think, we all deserve to be happy, I deserve to be happy.

And while it is only 9 weeks tomorrow since she died, I was her main carer since she got ill in July. Every night for months I would say my final goodbye, not knowing if I would speak to her I  the morning. And I am sure that others on here can relate to this, something people who haven't suffered cannot begin to understand

Hugs back pal, and thanks again

We have been chatting on and off today, she seems really mature for someone slightly (within a couple of years) younger than me.

I have this overriding feeling of am I moving too quickly, but you know what, it doesn't. This is the happiest I have felt since Jan got ill. And that is not disrespect to Jan or the time we spent together. We had a good run and a happy marriage. Some condolences still resonate with me that we had a relationship that others aspired to emulate. I love her, and I will always love her. Certain songs will always make me think of her, whether alone or with someone else. And I will cry foe those songs, I will cry on special occasions, her birthday, our anniversary, the date she died, the diagnosis date, Christmas etc. But I will do those either way too.

Every time I am in the shower, I will wash and cleanse my memorial tattoos, I will dry them and moisturise them. And I will think of her.

As I can't have her back, seeing someone else might give me an opportunity for new memories, good times, events we can share and laugh or cry with each other.

I will never compare a new woman to Jan, as no one will ever be her. That's unfair on her memory, on me, and any potential partner.

Love to you all, stay strong and thank you.

I was  worried telling one of her daughters, but that went better than I expected. Everyone on here has been hyper supportive and for that I will be eternally grateful. I will try and remain as an active member of this community, to support others as you have supported me, shown me that there is something to still live for, and that it is possible to be yourself even though 50% of you is missing.

Hugs to anyone who needs them xxx

I think that it is important that you do what is right for you. No one else should be judgemental. Friendship, kindness and empathy are qualities that I value. As you have said, no one can replace your Jan. I think the key is to take things slowly. I wish you well. Kind regards, Kate. Xxx

Thanks Kate. I will, as no one else will protect me, mainly from me.

After 31 years, I am crapping myself at the thought of meeting someone else, a fair bit of guilt, and to be honest, a bit of excitement.

Yesterday and today have been the best days I have had mentally since she died. Yes I have still cried, yes I have thought of Jan, but as someone with low self esteem (even with Jan, I was convinced for most of our marriage that she would find someone better than me), and that  is still a worry.

I proposed to Jan on the night we got together, that is not going to happen again.

Even if I do feel affection towards this lady, I need to be sure that its not rebound, nor solely for intimacy.

She, or any other woman needs to understand that I spent over 60% of my life with her, I have an array of tattoos in her memory, and that my love for Jan will never die.

I can fall in love with the idea of being in love, and that is scary. I am however, a cyber security person by trade, so I am fully aware of what to look out for. I used to volunteer with a cyber charity, helping people recover from online fraud, scams, and abuse. I am also very aware how loneliness and live ate powerful emotions.

She has to engage my brain before anything more than a kiss, cuddle, and maybes handholding will take place.

I am too old in the tooth for games, and we seem to have kicked everything off with honesty, which I admire and she appears to as well.

Thank yiu for the reply, and I will enelter whatever this is with my eyes open and be open to it both working out.

If she is who I think she is, I was in school with her brother and she is friends with a few of mine, including my wing woman, a special friend who has booked her space in my heart as a friend

I was worried posting this message, I didn't know what reactions I would get. Prepared for a range (and still am IRL) from dismissal and disgust, rejection should it work out, to acceptance.

I have to live with the choices I make, so my paranoid spidey sense will be on high alert

irq74,

The most difficult of all subjects to perhaps discuss on this forum. 

I after more than two years met someone who had also been through the same experience. A truly wonderful person. I know that I would have been told to not stay on my own, as I would have said if it was the other way around. 

But regardless of how well we got on, with all our family supporting us, from both sides, I simply could not. 

There is no right nor wrong to this. You cannot think about what others may think - particularly those who have not gone through our experience. You have to go with what you think is best for you both.

I was recently reminded, by a family member, that nothing on earth lasts for ever. My, how we know!

You/we have to do what we think is best for the time we have left.

Take care,

WDJ

Hey WDJ,

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I get that its difficult, which again makes me feel legit about the range of emotions I am feeling now.

I may feel the same way once we meet, that its too soon, I could feel like I am disrespecting Jan's memory etc. But if this is a chance at happiness, I feel I should take it.

I have, for many years, suffered with my own health challenges, physical and mental. I have anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. I always felt Jan should be with someone better than me, even though she would tell me she had the person she wanted. I never truly believed that. Nor that I was good enough for anyone else, and my true destiny was to be alone for life.

That said, this kinda feels right. Different, but right. Time will tell, I haven't met her yet. And I remember Jan telling me numerous times that I was being chatted up, while I denied it, as I did not see the signs. she would joke that I would miss the signs if a woman came up to me, took all her clothes off and started kissing me. Which probably isnt too far off the truth ;) While it might feel right now, thats not to say it will feel right in a week, a month, or however long this lasts.

I wish I could meet people on here in real life. I think us all taking over a venue for a weekend and getting to know each other, discuss our circumstances would be fun.  You would also get to know that I give no hoots about what people say or think about me, even with my low self esteem, and that isnt just masking, its feeling.

Its going to be slow, baby steps. And she, no matter what baggage she may bring to the table, has to accept my past. And your right, no one can really understand until you have been through it.

I am in agreement with your family member too. Losing Jan has shown me that life is finite. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so I am trying to make the most of whatever time I have on this sphere. It might work, it might not. It might feel right, it might feel alien. I will never know unless I try.

I saw a Facebook post where someone said "all I want is what I had", isn't that true. But I think of myself as practical, in the sense that I know I cant have that, no matter how hard I wish.

So I will take it slow, I have been 100% honest with her about my situation and if it feels wrong, I will end it.

No regrets eh?

Thanks again for the reply.

Gordie

Hi WDJ,

Thanks for the reply. It sure is difficult, both in me asking the question, thinking about dating, and the gamut of emotions going on in my head.

I am sorry to hear that it didnt work out for you, i hope it does when the time is right for you.

I dont care what people think or say, if I did I would not have had 31 years with Jan.

I agree with your family member 100%. I suffer from a range of mental health issues, including anxiety and low self esteem / worth. I now tend to use profanity and dark humour to mask the issues I face. But losing Jan has shown me how fragile life is, and how in the matter of 10 weeks, we can go from fit(ish) and healthy (ish) to the end.

Losing the love of my life has been the hardest thing I have ever faced, something I am sure resonates with everyone on here. I don't want to be alone for ever, I am finding the loneliness almost as hard. I am aware of that, and will be taking small steps at first.

I will be taking a cautious approach, and will not be diving in like i did with Jan, who I asked to marry me on the first night together, and for a further 10 months until she gave in to shut me up ;)

I will, I am going to ask her out on a date and play it by ear. I am aware that we may not match face to face, and this could happen at any time, from either one of us. But I would struggle with the not knowing, and that would eat away at my mental health.

If it doesnt work out, I may try again, or I might give it a while longer, depending on how it fails.

Thanks for the post, I will be careful, I will look out for me, and I will try to enjoy it.

Gordie

PS. To anyone that my post has upset, I apologise. I know this is difficult, especially given the time frame since Jan's death. I know that there are others in a similar position, who may be thinking what a callous &*^$ he is, he cant have loved her etc. but I can assure you I always have, always will and still do.

You are so hard on yourself. You have the right to make your own choices. I get the loneliness angle. My husband Paul said to me; “That he wanted me to meet someone.” At the time, we were going through the various horrible treatments, so I didn’t really think about it. My priorities at the moment are mental stability for me and our two adult children. It is four and a half months now, and our thirty sixth Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. I am going to do a Christmas Arrangement, and take it to his grave tomorrow. We all have to find a way to live. Kind regards, Kate. Xxx

Hi Kate,

That's true. No one will ever be as hard on me as I am.

I find the things people say on here, creates a common bond, for me at least. When Jan was ill, I was busy, and didn't really have time to worry or contemplate the future. When she died, all of my focus was on honouring her wishes as she planned the whole thing herself.

Then came the admin, something I am still wading my way through, with no help from my procrastination fairy.

Looking after my step kids and grandkids is defo now my priority. Nit having any of my own kids, I am finding it tough, as there are questions and events I just don't know what to do. I flip between panic and fear, sadness as u can't ask for her advice, and running on a gut feeling of what would pookie do.

They have told me I am doing a good job, but I think they are being kind to me.

I have ordered flowers and will be picking them up on Christmas eve, and plan to go to ger grave on Christmas day.

Your last comment has touched me. I was in survival mode, then moved to "I don't really carry about anything " and now thinking about a future. A new one, a one with out Jan, but at least I am thinking about one.

I hope you are OK tomorrow, I am not looking forward to any of our significant dates next year.

Take care

1. Gordie