Things do change with time

Hi Ellie , I was married 43 years but knew her for 44. And it has been 6 1/2 months since she passed. 
I don’t know any other life. We were never apart in that 44 years, and all I do is think of her all the time , it’s a beautiful day here in Southern Ireland and I have just taken the dog for a walk. Winnie would love this kind of day and she also loved walking, the dog enjoyed the walk but I didn’t, there were also a few tears along the way. 
I feel like you one day at a time and glad when it is ended , but I know I have to do it all again tomorrow. I have no real interest in life anymore and nothing to look forward to , just going from one day to the next. 
I know Winnie would want me to be happy, but that is easier said than done. 
yes this is an interesting thread. 
Take care. 
mike. 

Hi Mel I was with my Ron for over 52 years. I lost him nearly 4 years ago and I still feel very sad and always will. I have joined a bereavement  group which has helped me so much. We meet up for coffee, lunches and days out. But I just wanted to say that I really had a wonderful life with Ron and now a very supporting family and I don"t know about you but I love Ron now so very much, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and Oh boy does it. Thought I couldn"t love him any more than I did. Love and hugs to you on this horrible journey. xxx   Carol. xxxx 

I was with my husband 29 years & 3 months. 
I’ve been without him 20 months.

I can do ‘being busy’ now, I can see friends, go to work etc same as before but I can’t bring myself to join anything new like a club or something where I’m known for the person I  am now. I can do holidays with the kids but don’t look forward to them (although I can enjoy them when I’m there). 

I still struggle with memories of him being ill, I clearly remember him telling me a week before he died “I will have to try & let go”. Those words haunt me still. 
We can only do the best we can, & be ourselves, be that existing or actively creating a new life. Personally I don’t think either is wrong as we were all different before our losses, some more independent in their relationships than others, we are going to all react differently now.

This isn’t like anything else we have experienced in life, it will take some of us longer than others to come to terms with the lives we have now & that is ok 

sarah xx

My husband was my first and only boyfriend and as a solitary person had few friends. We spent our time together, he truly is my soulmate. 

I go to a monthly support group but the other women who joined at about the same time formed a clique and meet up and have even gone on holiday. That's my life in a nutshell. Last to be picked at games in school, never included in nights out when working. It seems I'm just not someone interesting enough for people to want to know other than rare exceptions.

I'm still several years to retirement age but I feel old

Hi Sarah,

Yes we all do grieving differently. This horrible journey is so different for everyone. And there is no right or wrong.

The looking forward to things is notwhat it used to be for me either. As I said in a post last July or maybe August, "the magic has gone out of things". I could still say the same today.

I think it was some kind of survival-mechanism in me, though, my own survival-mechanism, that made me feel at some point that, even though I may not enjoy new things initially, I have to do something new because otherwise there was no point in going on. I felt so depressed and lonely and desperate and physically and emotionally sick without Paul that it really frightened me. When one day I crossed the road close to where I left and a bus broke the lights and it was only centimeters from getting hit and I found myself thinking "Why didn't I get hit?" and something along the lines of "I wish the bus had hit me", I crossed the road, looked up at the evening sky - a lovely red because the sun was going doing - and thought: No, this cannot go on forever. I just can't live like that. And I don't want to. I mean, life without Paul is not what I want and I don't need to love it, but at least get out of this horrible hole of darkness! I think that was when things began to change for me.

I am not saying of course that I don't have any really difficult days at all. But I can say for sure that missing Paul terribly and moving forward in my life as best I can without him are no longer a contradiction for me.

Love, Mel.

Hi Carol,

52 years is such a long time. I wish Paul and I had had that time! But then I am not even 52 years old myself yet!

I think the sadness will stay with us forever.

Love, Mel.

Hi Wildcat,

Ah that's sad that they have formed a clique and excluded you from it. I hate this clique-forming that goes on in so many areas of life. Particularly as a member of a support group, wouldn't you think they would each see the importance of including everyone? People can be strange sometimes.

My husband too was a solitary person. And the two of us were solitary people. In all our time together we didn't have any or didn't make any new friends. The two friends we had we didn't see often. We were enough for ourselves. And particularly as Paul's disease progressed, I think particularly I felt that other people would take away our precious time. time. We just didn't want anybody else. It was wonderful really.

Love, Mel.

Hi mike

Well at least it was a nice day in Southern Ireland though tinged with a little bit of sadness, quiet cold and wet here, south east of England.

Have been to Southern Ireland a few times, my son married a lovely young lady from Tallagent, then they moved to Co Cavan.He is back in England now  after a slit but his two daughters still live there/

Take Care Ellie x

"You Never Walk A Lone" 

Dear Sue 

  I love your post. It resonates with my heart and my soul.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Hi all, 
I haven't written for a while but was glad to read you all.

In a way, I feel reassured by what some of you have said. I know that sounds selfish but I'm being honest. It's now 13 months for me. December was full of anniversaries (my husband's passing and all that goes with it) and birthdays (mine). I was sad, of course, but I've found the beginning of the year even harder. I had a dream during the holidays in which I felt as though he was asking me to set him free. There was nothing specific - just the way he looked at me- and I woke up with the feeling that I was holding him back from going on his own journey. This is all a question of personal belief and interpretation but I can't get the idea out of my mind. So, I've told him for the 2nd time in my life that it was fine to go but I'm totally heartbroken and really depressed. I thought I was doing better around the10th and 11th months but it's like I'm back to square one. Some of you have spoken of your sadness that persists years later. Does it ever go away?

I know what it's like not to have many friends. Some of us are made up like that. Personally, I'm not at ease in large groups and much prefer to interact on a one-to-one basis. I actually avoid groups today. They wear me out and make my loss even more glaring.

I'm in a  situation where I'm being forced to change everything in my life. In Nov. and Dec. I had quite a few job interviews on Skype; I'll be moving out of here at the beginning of July and don't yet know where I'll be going. Ever since the diagnosis, I've been shaken up like an old ragdoll and have lost control of everything. My future is in other people's hands. Professionally speaking, I knew the stakes when I accepted my present contract but never expected to have to face the change alone and I certainly never expected such an upheaval in my life. 

This was a bit long but I think only you can understand the depth of my loneliness and the darkness that sometimes engulfs me.

Thanks for being there.