Things do change with time

I also feel I'm just wandering through life with no meaning perhaps mine is slightly different as I also have prostate cancer if my wife was alive I would have fought tooth and nail to stay on this world but she passed half way through my treatment and any enthusiasm I had has gone just every day is a day closer to her

Dear Mel 

Everything you've said makes complete sense in a logical and intellectual way but sadly my feelings and emotions don't connect. To draw a parallel. The planet  intellect and logic  is one side of the universe and the planet emotion and feelings is on the other side of the universe. And they just dont understand each other.

I've always  said the power house of our existance is our emotions and feelings, rather like the power of an engine is its battery. But when the battery goes flat the engine grinds to a halt no matter how powerful its design. And at the moment I'm running on a very low  battery so the engine of life is struggling to run. In esssence it's just about ticking over with no charging port in sight.

Love and Light 

Geoff 

So sorry to hear that Ian. Found this forum when I was dealing with my own grief and feeling sorry for myself. What I’ve read on here are so many sad stories, kind of puts my own grief into perspective. It’s a shit disease, wishing you all the best on your journey mate.

Good morning everyone.

It seems my post has struck a cord with many of you, I knew several of us lost our loved ones about the same time, but there are quite a few of us at 6 months.

The caring thing came to a peak during the final months with cancer for me. Having been together almost a whole life, it's something we had, looking out for each other at every level helping supporting, being there for each other. We had grown to know each other so well, and shared everything. Looking back now I can see it all so clearly, now the grief, is lessening slightly, I had a realisation that I really missed the caring, each for each other, the support, both in sickness and in health, the simple joy of just being together.

I appreciate, all the responses, and some different views, many people have said to me in the past 6 months, what would Amanda want you to do or she would want me to be happy. That doesn't connect with me at all, like a few others, I want to get out, but I feel guilty, I'm getting out more than i did, and I'm spending more time with direct family, i also have met some new friends, but relating this to what would Amanda want i cant get to grips with.

I only know my love for her remains, she remains truly in my head and my heart, to just say she was everything to me sounds glib, but she truly was. I'm trying not to wish what's left of my life away for my children and grandchildren's sake, but I also feel the house is empty, and soulless. Everything around me is still hers, the house looks the same.

I do see the grief experience changing for me, some things lessen, the feeling of loss remains and for me it's an irreplaceable loss.

Wishing you well on our journey, were all different but we share that heavy loss.

Gary

Hi Gary,

Like your Amanda was everything to you, my Paul was everything to me. And I know that I love him as much today as I have always loved him. If he walked in the door right now, I would be so happy to see him I have no words to actually describe it - well, I suppose I can't imagine my reaction really because I know it's not going to happen. But what I mean to say is that, yes, he was and still is and I have no doubt always will be everything to me. He is always in my thoughts and heart. Mostly in my heart.

Love, Mel.

Hi Jeff,

I suppose that what I wrote last night sounded more logical and rational than emotional. And I suppose it is. I came to a point in this bereavement journey where I felt that I had a choice: live the rest of my life longing for things to be different and not liking my life because Paul was no longer in it or try to pick myself up somehow and make an effort to bring at least some contentment and maybe even joy back into my life. I remember saying to two close friends of mine, "If I don't try to find some contentment and maybe even joy in my new normal, then I may as well be no longer here?" I honestly felt that, unless I pulled myself together a little - and believe me I hate the expression but I don't know what else to call it right now -, I can never be even something close to okay again. So, yes, the decision, the choice, was a rational one if you like to call it that, it was driven by a strong sense of needing to survive this.

I am wondering, though, if this was easier for me than for many people on here because Paul and I were only together for 10 years. Don't get me wrong: I am not at all saying that longer relationships are deeper or something like that, but I do think when you spend ten years with a person or twelve or something like that you can still remember what your life was like without them and you can remember that you have lived before they came into your life, whereas when you have spent twenty or thirty or more years together it may be harder because they have been in your life for so long.

I don't know. Sometimes I am a little scared that I am too reflected or too rational. But it has really helped me on my journey to realise that, like in almost everything, I have a choice.

Dear Mel,

I'm sure that a relationship be it 10 years or longer, the effect is similar in terms of grief.

I connect strongly with several in the group who have been with their loved ones for 40 to 50 years.

For me I've been with Amanda so long, married 46 years together 50 years and we knew each other before that, I literally dont know any other life. As I said in my last post, she was everything to me and my life experience is 100% with her. I dont have a reference point before this as it's my whole adult life, and I'm not trying to say those together for a shorter time have anything less, but for me it was everything and that's what I find so hard.

Im stubborn and I guess I dont want to get over her or move on, after so long with her I couldnt begin to contemplate anything else.

That's just me and that's how I feel. But I do try to have some interests and other friends.

Gary

Just wondering if age is also a factor in creating a new normal for ourselves?  And I really don't mean to be ageist but speaking for myself, and I definitely have one foot in the winter of my life, I guess I just don't have the energy or enthusiasm to start rebuilding a new life.  I have found adapting my old life is enough.

Don't get me wrong, I go out with friends, enjoy my family and have holidays.  Yes, after nearly 4 years I have an 'okay' life and that  suits me.  But, I still miss Paul every day and am so very sad that we didn't get to share our vintage years together.   Just doing nothing if that's what we wanted to do but doing it together.   I think if I had been even 10 years younger, I would have craved more from life.   My niece lost her husband at 34 and is constantly on the go - filling the emptiness with new adventures, and that is great.  At 34 she has the energy and dare I say, even the hope for happiness again. 

To all of you in the early stages, time will pass and you will find some peace in your life.  Maybe it will just be, like me, an acceptance of "it is what it is'.   I remember the 6 month mark being a particularly horrendous time - reality setting in.  But even that time passed.  You will get there.  In the early days I didn't believe it either but then all of a sudden, I am at 4 years.  Still in shock, still very sad but doing okay.

love 

Hi Susie46 and all,

Yes, Susie, I think there is a difference between adapting your old life and creating a new one.

What I was talking about in my posts on this thread is adapting the old life. Creating a new life to me would mean to make some drastic changes like finding a new partner, moving house or country, creating a new career for myself, and I wouldn't want to do that nor would I want to leave my old life with Paul so far behind because, like you, I miss my Paul every day and am very sad that we didn't get to spend more years together.

You say that you are going out with friends and on holidays and enjoying things in life again, and this is exactly what I am trying, and often succeeding in, doing as well.

And, yes, I think acceptance has played a huge part in this. I cannot change what has happened, and I can't make my sadness go away, but I can make sure that I am as okay as I can be and that's what I am doing.

Have a good day,

Mel.

Hi Gary

I relate to everything you have said.

I was married 53years and knew each   other 3 before that a long long time.

We did everything thing together and some days we just sat read and never said a word, but we knew they where there

I did three years of treatment every three weeks finished 24th Dec 2018 and he got diagnosed four days before that.

My journey was hard but i did it and carried on more for him than myself and he was my rock, i am still watch and wait not curable, how do i carry on i am not sure.

Life at the moment has no meaning to me, i never learnt to drive only mistake of my life.

Because of treatment i have to rely on others never had to do that before Tom was always here.

How does one make a new life or different way of life when for three quarters of your life has gone with age.

I  get threw one day at a time and am glad when the day is over, but know tomorrow will be the same.

Nothing seems to have a meaning now , it has been three months and i think the reality  f it is just staring to hit home and i find i am having a few melt downs over stupid things.

You started a real interesting thread, if only we could turn back time.

Take Care Ellie xx

"You Never Walk A Lone"