Things do change with time

Hi Limbo

So sorry to read how much you are struggling and off all the challenges you have ahead.  Yes, I do totally understand your loneliness and the darkness that seems to engulf you.  

I think many of us on this journey find the second year harder than the first.  Numbness has worn off, reality bites and we are expected to be 'okay' and getting on with our lives.   Sadly we are the only ones who understand that we just can't pick up where we left off before our loved one died.  How can we?   Our lives have changed for ever whilst everyone else who knew and mourned our loved one can just carry on.  Our loss impacts on every aspect of our lives from less shopping, doing less washing, watching TV on our own - everything has changed.  and that's really what I was trying to say in my earlier post.

 Over 4 years I have adapted to all the changes.  I don't think about the washing, shopping etc now but I do still miss Paul every minute of the day and I am still so sad that he had no retirement and we couldn't grow old together.  But it has become a pain that I can manage now.  Not the all consuming grief of the first years.  So please believe me when I say you will gradually come to terms with your loss, but you will always miss and love them.  No matter what lies ahead for you, me  or anyone.   But there will also be smiles, happiness and fun in things you do.  Life can be enjoyed again alongside our grief.

Hugs and I hope that all the changes you have to make this year happen smoothly.  

Hi Sue,

I was pleased to read your post as there's not too many from people that are further down the line to me. My husband died in November 2017, so just over 2 years ago.

I would say the 'bubble burst' around the 2nd anniversary, I felt I had managed quite well up till then, but these last few months have been quite a struggle. I thought I was going to feel much better by this stage, but I feel as though I've gone backwards a bit.

I have always been a fairly anxious person, but this last couple of months anxiety has been horrible. I find myself worrying about so many things, usually practical things to do with the house, car etc etc. Would love to hear how others have got to grips with having to do everything themselves! I'm a 'Waspie woman' so still not got my pension, another 4 years to go. I do have money, not destitute at all, but  I do have to be more careful now than we used to be when my husband was alive.

I care for my Mum who is in her 90's and lives next door, so it means that I have responsibility for 2 homes, at a practical (though not financial) way, and this weighs heavily too, at times.

I'm hoping to feel more optimistic soon! It has helped to get it all off my chest I think. I don't want to be moaning to my friends all the time, so sorry everyone, I'm having a moan here. Hope you all understand!

Hi Northernlass

So sorry that you are feeling so anxious right now.  I completely understand how you feel because I still feel the same over the car, house etc.  Although, as long as everything is ticking along okay, I am quite good at blocking out any thoughts of possible problems now. 

But it only takes a minor issue  - and I am back panicking!  So you are not alone in feeling like this, and you have the extra worry of coping with your Mum's property in addition to caring for her.   I cared in a very similar way for my Mum who lived just a 5 minute drive from me but Paul was alive then so if something went wrong, it was over to him.  Or we worked it out together!   Mum died in 2006 so I no longer have the responsibility.  But you must feel under so much pressure to maintain everything and to look after your Mum and not worry her.   

One of my neighbours is a builder and I have paid him to do a few jobs for me.  Is there someone you could have on call for any emergencies or to sort any problems that arise?  

The car goes in for service every year and I have breakdown cover etc.  But still, even 4 years on, I panic over checking the tyre pressures!  Generally do it when I have my daughter in the car!  She is getting a bit exasperated by it!!

Hoping you feel better for writing your worries down.  Unfortunately, I don't have any real solutions but I hope it helps to know you are not the only one worrying.  Just another aspect of this grieving process and being on our own.  The one thing I can reassure you on is that, at nearly 4 years,  the pain of losing Paul, although still there, is easier and I am feeling more in control, more comfortable being on my own and more accepting of this life without him.  I remember feeling things were improving and  then suddenly, they weren't and I was going backwards.  Now I seem much more on an even keel.  

Take care.

Hi Northernlass

Although I often read the posts on this forum, I don't post myself but your post really resonated with me. I lost my husband on the 2nd January 2018. I had to deal with a number of huge issues after his death which I really struggled with but somehow I did it and it made me think that after everything, that 2020 would be so much easier but like you my bubble burst after New Year and I hit a wall of grief and anxiety. Maybe it's because Steve died straight after the New Year in 2018 or maybe it's because I was having to face the harsh reality of him not ever coming back. I don't know. I too feel like I have gone backwards and I find I am putting on a brave face for others when inside I am falling apart. I feel that there is an expectation that you should be feeling a lot better after two years but somehow for me it seems so much harder, particularly when I am with friends and their husbands because I want what they have, the love of their partner/husband. It just makes me feel so alone.  I have pushed myself to join a drop in coffee morning each week in the village hall and as a result have made new friends, some of whom are single women. One of them has introduced me to a little local choir. Singing really helps because it's joyful. I Morris Dance too which is great fun. Steve used to come and play Banjo there. The group have really supported me since he died. For me coping is being busy and being with others as it takes my mind off other things that could cause me to worry. Being alone with no-one special just for you is very scary but being with others and making new friends helps especially if you can share your worries. I live in Derbyshire and my family are miles away so friends are very important. I too am a waspie woman so have to be very careful with finances which makes life tough sometimes. Your post gave me hope because it made me realise I wasn't going mad and that there is someone out there who is in a similar situation to me and who is struggling like me after two years. Keep going, you have come so far on your journey. Sending a virtual hug to you for strength. 

Hi Sue,

Thank you so much for your reply, it has helped no end to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I think I always expect an awful lot of myself and imagine that everyone else can do everything!!

In the first couple of years, I didn't have too much to do, but this year I needed a new cam belt for the car, wasn't aware that needed replacing and thought it was just having an interim service and mot! Did double check, as did my daughter, and yes it did need doing! £300 later......!

I think I need to replace the washing machine, mine's making a funny noise ( am I the only one who hears every little noise?!!!), the car insurance is due next month, and I'm ready for some new glasses. Too much all at once!

On the plus side, I am ok with the car tyres now! I do remember being terrified in the beginning and also waiting for my daughter to be with me. She was also exasperated!

I do have friends around who can sometimes help with things, one came this week and we put a new washer in the toilet inlet valve! (Oh,the excitement!) My look now refills in a normal time, not the 30 mins it was taking before!

It was good to read that you have become more comfortable being on your own and on more of an even keel. We had a big age difference, so I always guessed I would be on my own, but it doesn't feel quite like I thought it would.

Thanks again for replying, it's good to have people who understand and I don't want to drive my daughter mad!

Hope you have a good weekend x

Hi Mandoali,

Thank you so much for your reply. It's so helpful knowing that there are others out there feeling the same, although I am sorry that you too are finding things difficult.

I think people do think you're ok after 2 years. In fact, I remember meeting someone just a few weeks after my husband had died and she told me she had been widowed 2 years earlier. I can remember thinking to myself that she must be ok then, by that stage. Glad I didn't say that!

Well done for going to the coffee morning in your village, it is nice to have some single friends isn't it? I'm blessed with a few, so it does help not only having couples to mix with. It's just that you still miss being part of a couple and having someone to share everything with, the good and the bad.

I have found it difficult to adjust to not having much of an income coming in. It's not that I don't have money, but it feels scary when you have to use it, knowing that it wont just be quickly replaced! When my husband was alive I didn't have to think too much about what I was spending, not that we were wealthy by any stretch, but now I feel I need to consider things more as my money has to last!

I don't know where you are in Derbyshire, but I did used to go there a lot as I grew up in South Yorkshire. Castleton, Bakewell, Buxton and Matlock were places we often visited. Try explaining to southerners about Bakewell pudding! I used to enjoy the folk scene too, although have never done Morris dancing myself. 

Thank you for the virtual hug, I'm sending one back to you. I guess we probably need to concentrate on how far we've come and on the things we have coped with.

Hope your weekend goes well whatever you're doing c