Things do change with time

Dear Gary 

Your post rang lots of bells with me but particularly the subject of CARING. My main loss is that like you for Amanda, I don't have my Anne to care for anymore. I don't just mean through her cancer and other illnesses but caring and protecting during the course of everyday life events.Taking her shopping as she didn't drive. Taking Anne to her beloved holiday caravan in the country. And of course receiving love and care from her in return.Basically I miss her presence around me. It's been 6 months for me as well mate and although things are calming down I operate more like a zombe when on my own along with melt downs of extreme sadness and tears, yet in company nobody would ever guess. Take care Gary.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Dear Gary and Geoff. 

Both of your posts are very very true  . It was 6 months last week for me and I also miss the caring and being cared for . Like you say Geoff not the cancer caring but the day to day caring  , someone to make a cup of tea for  someone to sit down and have a chat with , the kind of chat you can’t have with anyone else  someone to sit down with and do absolutely nothing with just knowing that she is there was enough  . 

Probably like the both of you when out with other people the mask goes on . I was in my local last night for a couple of pints talking away as normal , but it’s there in the back of your mind all the time. As soon as you get in your door the mask comes of.

I went shopping yesterday and went for a coffee where we used to go it brought back to many memories and seeing all the happy couples was to much I had to get up an leave.

Like Gary said the days do tend to get a LITTLE bit easier, but the loss , loneliness,  sadness  and that hole in our hart will never get easier  .

to be honest I wish the days away so I can get to bed and be a day closer to joining her  .

sorry about the long post , I hope both of you have a good aday as you can  

Mike 

Dear Gary, Geoff and Mike

Your posts are so beautiful.  It is so lovely to read how you cared for and looked after your wives - both through cancer and pre cancer.  They were obviously very cherished ladies and it is  so evident  how much you miss them.  It is nearly 4 years now since Paul died and I have no idea where those years have gone.  On the whole I am getting on with my life - not the one I wanted, but the life I have. 

I just wanted to say from a female perspective, I miss the being cared for.  The knowing that I only had to mention a problem with the car, washing machine, whatever and it would be sorted.   Now it's down to me!  The locking up of the house at night, taking the rubbish out, carrying the shopping - so many little things Paul did to make me feel safe and special.  When he was really unwell from the cancer treatment, he was so frustrated that I had to do everything.   Even got cross that I was overdoing the caring!   

Take care.  Time will pass and your loss will become easier to live with.  The pain doesn't go, but it does soften around the edges and we adapt. 

Dear Sue 

thankful for the lovely reply. I can also see by your post that you were also loved and cherished by your Paul. We had retired early so had a couple of years. But also like you had a lot planned for the future and it was so cruelly taken away from all of us. 

To be honest I can’t see any future at the moment just plodding ( no pun intended Geoff ) on from day to day. 

Sue I truly want to believe you that it will get easier and hopefully it will , but at the moment it doesn’t seem possible. I keep the house clean and tidy as I know that’s what Winnie would want. I have even baked an apple pie, coffee cake and lemon drizzle cake something in my wildest dreams I never thought I would do. But there just doesn’t seem to be any enjoyment in anything anymore.

i am sorry to be so down, just one of those days. Hopefully better tomorrow. 

Take care. Mike 

Hi Gary, Geoff, Mike, Susie, 

It is exactly 6 month for me today, since I lost my husband Rob. 

I have just read all your posts and agree with everything you said. I too miss looking after my Rob and being looked after by him.

I am at home today. Hardly left the sofa. Just feeling terribly sad.

Sending my love to you all. 

Love xxx

Hi Andrea. Six months is such a short time , but it seems like forever since we last saw , talked or held our loved ones. I still find it hard to get it into my head that they will never walk in the door again. 

I never really hated anything in my life before, but I really hate this life. 

Andrea I will light a candle tonight for Rob and put it beside Winnie’s. 

Sending you a BIG hug

Mike xx

Dear,  All you good people,

This morning I went shopping and as usual,  since my Anne passed, I saw all the goodies on the shelves we would normally buy together.   But again as usual they meant nothing to me at all. Tasty cakes and pies, including my favourite, New York Cheese Cake - I felt nothing. I just walked by and bought the bare essentials as alway. Eggs. Milk, bread. Ready meals and beer. Oh yes. My beer is so essential.  I paid and loaded up the car then drove back home to a souless house , all in my usual zombe state of mind. And I cant see this ever changing. When home I just plonked myself down in the chair and supped beer whilst watching  films on TV. No appetite for lunch so I'll see how I feel later regarding a ready meal. That's if I'm even hungry, which I'm not most of the time these says. Yet I normally eat something just because I should do. Because Anne would want me to.I've been like this for 6 months since losing her.

Tomorrow two good neighbours are taking me to the pub then back to theirs for dinner. A weekly event. Yet despite their  good food,  I eat because its there, and nothing else. I always think of  how my Anne's meals were so delicious and so naturally nothing can compare. Of course I'm polite and congratulate them both on a wonderful repast. How could I not. However I am truly grateful for their kindness and caring. I really am.  All part of the many games I play through out the days, filling in time whilst looking forward to bed and so completely out if it.  Knowing I'm one more day nearer to meeting my sweet heart. My soul mate. The love of my life. My everything. 

Do any of you folk experience anything similar?

Love and Light 

Geoff

Dear Geoff. At the end of your post you asked do envy of us experience anything similar. 

The answer to that is YES YES and YES. the shopping, the soulless house , eating because we have to , not because we want to. Sitting aimlessly watching tv with a beer or whiskey, just waiting to go to bed to get another day over with.

I was was wondering around the house to day and I was thinking what would Winnie be doing now if she was here . She always seemed to be busy doing something. When I do something I just think what’s the f,,,,,g point sorry about that but at the moment that’s how I feel.

Tonight I am having pizza. Where as 6 months ago it would have been chops mash and fresh veggies . How our lives have changed. 

Take care all. Mike 

Dear Jeff and everyone,

I really hope that noone will take offense when I write the following. My thoughts are really not meant to hurt anyone here, and most of you know me long enough to know this. I am reading all your posts here, or most of them, and I understand your pain and grief - sure haven't I been there myself and sometimes am - but what I am finding so very sad is when I read that some of you really just seem to exist and wait for the end and I am asking myself: Is this really the way those good people want to live what is left of their one precious life?

When you, Jeff, wrote today about how you were at the shops this morning and walking past all the things you and your lovely Anne used to buy and there was no interest in them whatsoever, or I read about people who turn away from offers of company and feel they want to be all on their own, I am asking myself: How is it possible that some of us really feel that every single bit of goodness or enjoyment or connection has gone out of their life with their loved one's dying?

And don't you think that if you tried to do something new - like joining a walking group, joining a gym, joining some sort of club, taking up a hobbie, taking up volunteering, etc. - you could give your life back some meaning?

Of course, when our loved ones were still with us, we didn't have to make much of an effort to be happy or at least content because we had all we wanted. Now perhaps it takes more effort for the feeling of contentment or even a different kind of happiness to come. But I definitely think it is possible, don't you?

When Paul died, and in the let's say first three months after, I often felt that there was no point to my life and, in the first few weeks, I even thought it would be better for me to die as well because what was the point in going on. But, as time passed, something else seemed to take over, some feeling that, yes, it was terribly sad, heart-breaking in fact, that Paul was gone, but that I was still here and, since I was still here and there were people still alive who loved me or liked me a lot, I should make the best of my life, and I was quite determined, and still am, not to let my whole life slip through my fingers and let myself go. I just wouldn't want to do that to myself. Life is a precious gift. Unfortunately, some of us die way too early and some of us are left alone way too soon. But that is what life is like. I feel too responsible for myself in this life and also for the ones who are left behind with me to let all the meaning go out of my life.

Again, I want to say: I am not saying this to tell some of you what I think they should do or that they could live their life differently or whatever - how could I - but I just felt I needed to say this in case it helps some of you here to think about life in a slightly different way.

Imagine your loved ones standing in front of you right now and talking to you. What would they say? I know what Paul would have said in the first few months after his death, "Come on, sweetheart! Please go out and meet new people, do new things, learn to live with my absence. You still have a life to live."

Love to all of you, Mel.

Hello all.

I too feel I'm just existing and acting a part.

The difference is I'm at two years, tonight actually and little has changed since that awful night. 

I know Mel means well, for me though life is no longer a gift actually it feels quite the opposite.  Don't get me wrong I go out to things but after the short time I'm out I'm back to my empty meaningless existence.

My husband wouldnt be telling me to do things, he knew only too well that would make me feel worse. It just makes me feel guilty and want to withdraw. 

Were it not for my dad I would have nothing to keep me here.