Dating again (online)

Thinking of you Jojo,

I was was in the headspace you describe until 16 December, reliving this time last year. Not a nice place to be.

I wish I had words of comfort. Sending you a big virtual hug and lots of love......take care of your self.

Dutsie Xx 

Hi Wildcat

I so agree with you. We never had that conversation either why would you? 

I will never find anybody as kind & caring so why should I try ? When you meet the person who is everything rolled into one . Mum Dad sister brother friend & lover he was & is still my world. He understood every part of me I can't imagine anybody else ever matching him .

I know life goes on but maybe I am jus not ready 

jojo

Thank you Dutsie . Will it get easier ? My husband went to the Hospice on the 28th December he wil not leave me until 11th January why oh why Am I torturing myself in remembering everyday every minute ? 

Thank you for reading this 

jojo x

Hi Jojo,

I think it is only natural to struggle up to the first anniversary. So many people who have gone through it and advisers say it does get easier...

I think I sort of agree with this but only time will tell. However, I do think that the loss is always there and you learn to accept it. Seeing Richard grieve for his previous partner and him finding a different kind of happiness with me gives me hope. He is the reason I am what I am now.

Whilst I totally admit to under estimating the grieving process. I know that I can not change the past (although it did not stop me re-living this time last year!) and dealing with Richard's illness, in the manner we did, I stopped fretting over the future.

Writing poetry helped me express my feelings. I posted my acknowledging grief poem and I meant every word of it. Yes I grieve, but I hope for a future when love resides in my heart again (whether with someone new or in a creative perspective)... a much better place to be!

Making the most of right now serves us better in the long run. There is always something to be grateful for. So whilst I felt I was not entirely ready, I accepted the date eventually. It was not easy, in fact I would say that I probably acted like a "nut nut" not knowing what I wanted from one moment to the next.  Maybe in time I will meet someone new, probably when I have found myself again. Losing a partner is losing a big part of your identity and that is hard to overcome but not impossible. You just have to be open to a different kind of happiness.

That's just the way I see it and hope it helps. It certainly helps me to share with you all.

Many thanks,

Dutsie Xx

Hi there. My husband died aged 42 of a heart attack in 2000.i then spent 17 years with my late partner who passed away Christmas eve. He told me soon after his pancreatic cancer diagnosis that he wanted me to live my life, to laugh and to get straight back out there. He said not to worry about anything people thought or said. He said life is too short to waste grieving and being alone. He strongly felt we all need someone there with us. He often reminded me of this and told my friends and family what he wanted for me. I do hope that one day I will be able to have that mental and physical support and love again. I know it will be different,, it may never happen,, goodness knows who would want me! Just saying, from experience, it can happen if you want it to, and it can enrich your life if you would like it to

Glad to have given you a laugh, we all need one!

I met my husband 10 years ago through an online dating site. Both of us having lost a partner and wanting someone for company, to have meals with, cinema etc nothing romantic but fell head over heals in love. His first wife told him to find someone else when she was dying of cancer. He tried too hard to find someone ‘as he’d been told’ and made a bad decision while still grieving. It was 13 years before we found each other. Funnily enough he didn’t tell me to find someone else after his death. Maybe he knew how I would feel. 
I’m so glad I made the decision to go online as I’ve just had the best 10 years of my life but at 63 I don’t think I want to start again. Not sure that’s any help. You will know in your heart if it’s right for you. 
take care

Thank you for sharing your experience H, and thank you everyone else who has contributed to this discussion. It’s been so helpful to hear everyone’s views and experiences. You are all wonderful wise warm online friends. 
It’s New Year’s Eve tonight - I’m with my 83 year old mother ( also widowed  - my dad died 14 years ago). I hope all of you are with family or friends or will be ok if alone. It’s a new year and a new decade. Let’s hope for good things for ourselves, our loved ones, people everywhere and for  the planet xx 

Only just seen your giraffe limerick Dutsie! Thank you for making me smile x 

I have given this some thought too.  I have always thought how could any widowed person ever find anyone else again.  How would it work, there are far too many complications.  How can you ever be with someone else and not constantly, or at least a great deal of the time think of your first love. And the sense of guilt.  How awkward would it be for the new person.  And uncomfortable for yourself, introducing someone new to family and friends.  How can you continue to grieve/remember in your own way whilst with someone else.  Surely only another widowed person could truly understand and accept the situation for what it is.

I still feel the same just over a year on but for one thing, the loneliness, which despite a supportive family and children, does seem to grow as time passes which has surprised me.

My advice (to myself) is not to force it and try and 'find' someone.  Rather, live my life the best I can and, if I meet the right person then trust it will happen naturally just like meeting my first love.  Despite the ever growing loneliness, I'd rather be on my own than with the wrong person