Things change

Hi all 

It is so hard invites around this time of year I just don't go as I would miss my darling even more hope they understand if not now maybe one day when one of them will be on the same journey I do sound bitter & I must try not to be but it is so lonely I feel more alone when I am with people if you know what I mean. Forgive me that I have unkind thoughts sometimes & I don't really mean it just so envious of them all .

jojo

I can totally agree with you I to am envious of them it seems so unfair but I guess as we walk down the street there must be many people in our position we just don't notice them 

Hi its its  over 5months since my wife passed  I still get all the panic attacks tears and every other thing it has eased a little but it seems like a lifetime away now and I'm so scared I will forget her voice  and her giggle better stop I'm in tears now 

Hi its pushing 4 months now since losing my sweetheart Anne. And the grief is not getting any easier. For some reason  I'm now finding it harder and harder to go to the supermarket on my own. I rush around grabbing at what's on my small list, hopefully not having to wait too long to pay as my anxiety become more and more unmanageable, whilst fumbling with my payment card or cash.  And as  soon as I get into the car the tears flow. I've tried using different supermarkets to the one Anne loved but the process is always the same. The only time these days that I feel anywhere near normal is when I'm  in company. It's a kind of denial where I can forget that my life now is meaningless.I have a dulled down interest in some things and a totally disregard for any of the interests I once had. I'm killing time waiting for the day its my turn to leave this hurtful world and join my soul mate. 

Love and Light 

Geoff.

I think on the same lines just treading water till I sink we lose our wife's or husband's why can't there be an option for you to go at the same time it would save all the cost of medication misery of waiting your turn to pass I think it should be taken seriously I would have chosen it and I'm sure a few others would to just my rant for the day 

Hello there 

your post brought back similar feelings , not my partner but my big sister , she passed away in May this year we were so close it’s unbearable, I didn’t know I had so many tears , you poor guy I understand your grief partially, being alone and shopping for one is not nice, I too shop for one and at times think what’s the point so like you I vary my shopping trips , it’s not easy my shop basket looks pathetic but we need to eat and to get out and shop , I won’t say it gets easier ( because I don’t like when people say that to me ), just try each day and get up and about even a walk for a paper try the library or book shop coffee shop they’re nice and no one tends to notice your alone , keep going Geoff your lovely wife would want this , kind regards Babs x

Hi Babs and Ian.

Thank you both for your replies. I agree with you Ian,  given the legal option to go where Anne has gone would have been my choice. And Babs the thought of going into a coffee shop alone and buying for just me would trigger anxiety.  My daughter visited today and we had a deep conversation as to where we are both now in our grief. I played mine down somewhat although she knows that I would welcome a sudden fatal heart attack or simply to slip away in my sleep. She also understands that these wishes are not suicidal. And I wonder how much she was holding back as well for it seems impossible to express in words the deep and cutting grief that seems to wring out your very soul. We both agreed that things must get better in time but I must admit in truth I can't see that happening. This whole process is wearing me down.

Love and Light 

Geoff.

Hi again 

thank you so much for replying it’s good to talk , and I’m sure your daughter is bereft poor love , I had 64 years with my sister and today still don’t believe she has gone , I spent the day with her before I flew of to Alcudia on the Tuesday I hugged her kissed her massaged her wee legs and arms with nice white musk body lotion said goodby behave while I’m away , and yes she died on the Wednesday while I was on holiday , I never saw her again , reasons why in a weird way I still feel her around , sounds silly but I do , I talk to her photos I ask her why did she leave me I know she was so poorly with stage 4 lung and bone cancer but I didn’t think for one minute it was the end. Or I wouldn’t have flown away , I love to talk about her the memories are strong  great fun we had , we were from a big family 10 of us , I cry so much on the bus in the shops , when I play our music , smells , places oh Jesus everything , I dread Xmas , birthdays it’s just so unfair , but I try , and we must keep trying even when all else fails we have more family more loved ones who need us , I too have anxiety and awful panic attacks and I too feel what’s the point I would or should have gone with her but it’s not to be , we will find peace not today or tomorrow but we will , I believe in this . 

Babs 

Hi Ian Geoff and Babs,

Sorry to hear you guys feel you don't want to live any more, I really understand the feelings that are driving you.

I certainly have, why am I bothering, and even said in a moment of anguish what have I got to live for because that's how I felt, but my children in an almost angry reply put it into perspective by saying "US" you have us to live for and in a way, they are right. Like you I feel I've lost the single most important thing in my life, my beloved Amanda, and I think in most things I do why am I doing this why am I bothering, but each day I give it my best shot but still feel all the pain we here all share.

I'm managing to function get out meet friends new and old and today I braved the Christmas tree, I spent hours thinking how should I do it what colours would Amanda like and earlier I walked into town and bought two little Christmas figures to hang on the tree a granny and a grandpa, and I hung them right at the top where we used to put a star, but side by side.

I've had my normal upsets during today spent a lot of time thinking would Amanda like this am I doing it right, and a few sessions with very wet eyes but I drive myself to do things else I think I'd go crazy.

Interesting in the shopping I'd not thought about it but I've gone from a huge shopping trolley for us to a hand basket for one, Amanda liked to stock up and she always managed to fill a trolley, regardless of how small the list was.

Hope you guys have a better day tomorrow, I cope by being very busy, making myself do things, I still talk to her all the time, I talk to her pictures morning and evening every single day and I must tell her I still love her several times a day.

Keep her (them) in your head and your heart.

This world is indeed s cruel place, last year I could not have dreamed or imagined I'd be where I am today, it is so unfair, and to each of us why him or her is a constant thought.

Take care my friends.

Gary.

I totally get the not wanting to be here without your spouse. I feel that way too but plod on just existing most of the time.  Nothing makes any sense any more. 

Hope we can all get some rest tonight