Dating after losing my wife Helen at 52

Hi Steve, 

You have done the right thing by writing a letter. My thoughts are with you. As everyone here says, you have the right to be happy again and this is what your beloved wife Helen would want for you. I hope, your daughters and mother in law will understand after they have read your letter.

Its just a thought but have you ever considered to visit a counsellor? Probably your daughters could try and see one too. They are apparently struggling to cope with the loss of their mother, which is absolutely understandable. Maybe counselling would be something, that could help them. 

You have mentioned before, that your god mother would try to talk to your daughters. Has she sit down with them?

Take care. I hope, things will go well for you. 

Andrea xx

An update from me on my situation - writing just to express it out load and stop internalising rather than asking for answers (if that makes sense?).

The history to this is all in the past posts (it's long and tedious) - but in short Grandma and my 2 girls (24 and 26) are still very much against my new relationship - now saying that they have not said 'no' to me having a relationship, but this person is not the right person (and I've now had 2 months of this behaviour and lack / passive aggressive communication from them) - Christmas has been on and off twice already this last month

Grandma is having repeated negative conversations with me, and seems stuck in a circular argument / comment towards me and my new partner - insistent that this has nothing to do with grief and that she loves me but does not recognise the man I've become. Saying that she'd never go to any counselling or talk to any friends so stop asking her to do it. Yet she's by her own admission pacing the house at 3am shouting out and desperately lonely at home thinking about her 'dead husband, dead daughter and her disabled son (in long term care)'. They all went back 5 steps in anger when I took this lady to see my sister (even though there were other reasons why I needed t do this for my nieces welfare - that they 100% know about). Grandma keeps repeating the negative words from the text conversations that they previously read on my phone and she's now just stuck in this negative mind set now of demonising this lady, rubbishing my own behaviour / prioritisation of my girls (or to quote Helen's girls) and now today even questioning (indirectly) my long term love / consideration for my dead partner Helen. I told her it was not the time nor an appropriate place (it was in public and in context of visiting my brother in law at his care home) and that she should never be questioning my eternal love for Helen who was and always will be the love of my life (27 years we had together)

How can I get a 79 year old to engage in any kind of support (which she clearly needs) when shes stuck in a stoic / martyrdom type mentality - thinking the solution is me seeing her more and finishing my relationship - and that every time I go and see her tells me one way or another what a disappointment I am and what a terrible and embarrassing situation this is ?

I'm back in counselling myself now - first appointment will be Tuesday

There's no manual for being a widow !

Steve

Hi Steve 

The best way I've ever found to settle a potential dilemma is to ask my self this question. What's the worse thing that can possibly happen? And if it does what will I do to resolve it?  

So my question  to you Steve is this. What if you finally have to choose between your daughters and the new lady in your life?  Once you have made that choice after great thought - and follow  it through - everything else will eventually in time drop into place of its own volition.

Love and Light 

Geoff.

Hello Steve,

So, things have not changed that much for you, I'm sorry to see. I do have a question to ask you. It may appear rude but this is not my intention. Why do you continue to see your mother-in-law if she's putting you down like that? Of course, you're a changed man; your Helen died. And how can your daughters or anyone decide who is right or wrong for you? People tend to believe that we can no longer think for ourselves because we've gone through this tragedy. Protect yourself from such negativity. If your mother-in-law doesn't want to go for counselling, that is really not your problem, objectively speaking. What I mean is, we're responsible for ourselves and maybe your mother-in-law , who is undoubtedly, suffering a lot, is looking for a companion to share in her misery. As the saying goes, misery likes company. That is not your role. I'm sorry if I've said anything that was out of place but I can just imagine what you're feeling and going through. If I remember correctly, I think we're about the same age.. My husband died last year just before my 50th birthday and, although I haven't always agreed with my mother-in-law who is 90, she did say to me that I was still young and that she would find it natural if I were to meet someone else. Naturally, I'm nowhere dreaming of that happening but I did appreciate the sentiment.