Dating after losing my wife Helen at 52

Hi SteBee, 

I feel happy for you and I am sure, everybody else on this forum feels same. You have found the light in the darkness and people arround you should support you. 

I understand, your children are being negative. Its difficult for them to see someone else beside you. But they are grown ups. You should sit down with them and talk to them. Tell them, you still love their mother, but you have found someone, who is in similar position as yourself and you need a soulmate you can rely on. Your children are grown-ups. They won't be always with you. They will have their own families and you will be left lonely. I am sure, this is not, what they want for you.

Your mother in law should be more understanding. If she is not, try not to take notice of it. Its your right to move on in life and be happy again. You have enough to deal with. You need people arround you, who support you, not judging you. 

I wish you all happiness in the world in your new relationship. You deserve it. You haven't betrayed anyone, you have just moved on. Well done. 

Take care

Andrea xxx

Hi SteBee,

It is nice to hear that you have found a different kind of happiness. Only you can determine how this relationship makes you feel and I would not let others influence your decision. It is unrealistic for anyone to expect you to continue to be lonely and sad. It looks like you have taken your time with your new relationship and if it feels right to you then who is to judge!

Having said that I agree with Lavender that you need to have a conversation with your daughters and mother in law. It is quite clear that you loved your beautiful partner, the mother of your children, as you say. This needs to be conveyed to them, that is to both your children and mother in law. We all know that everyone reacts to grief differently, so be patient with them and let them know how much you loved and probably still love the mother of children. At the same time you are ready to move forward.

Wish you all the best. I also wish I was brave enough to accept a recent invitation from a lovely man. I just was not ready when asked.

With lots of love,

Dutsie x 

Go for it grab any little bit of happiness you can  it's a miserable life anyway 

Don’t even know how to start this reply - literally the worst 24 hours of my life, worse than Helen’s death, at least we did that as a family. My girls have been unwavering in there hatred of this situation being too soon and totally selfish and disrespectful - called be things I can’t even believe came out if their mouths - and seems to have turned a triad with my mother in law - I’ve been accused of breaking the family adding more pain to the grief and given the ultimatum to stop this relationship or lose them. and they also read all my private conversations on my phone.

i wish I was dead as it appears I’m living in a hell that keeps just layering on the hurt 

Steve 

Hi Steve, 

That's very sad, what happened to you. 

You are a 54 year old man and no one on this earth has the right to give you an ultimatum to end a relationship. You are not cheating anyone.

You have found happiness in your grief and people should be supporting you. They should be pleased to see you happy again instead of being depressed and lonely. 

Your daughters should understand, your new friend is in exactly same position as you and that she won't take over their mothers place. It was disrespectful from them to read your messages. 

If your daughters don't listen to you at the moment, is there anyone else, who could try to sit down with them and talk to them? A good friend of yours or a family member, who is supporting you and at the same time the girls would listen?

I hope, things will get better for you. 

Take care and keep posting here. 

Andrea x

I do have somebody who could do that - my eldest a god mother and best friend of Helen’s - I spoke with her for a hour last night - she’s going to try. I’m just broken - I even tried ringing the Samaritans at 5am - gave up on the shame of the 10th ringing tone - I’m so sad it’s unbearable 

maybe I am being selfish maybe a should not continue with this new relationship - but now they’ve read all my personal conversations with her my relationship with my daughters is gone now anyway - they’ve ruined the purity of our unit me and the girls and Helen - 25 years of bringing them up in the best of ways and now this - like I’m a dirty pervy self centred £&&& of a man - it’s ruined by my stupidity in such a poor way of telling them all (a real comedy of errors) and then leaving my phone while out checking on my new partner in the exact hour my daughter seems to finally comes to see me to have a talk after 24 hours of self imposed exile at grandmas 

sorry for the rant 

Do your daughters have boyfriends or partners when they finished with there boyfriends did they not find another partner ask them why . Because as humans we crave company you still love your wife even though she has passed but you are allowed company of another woman I'm sure she will never take the place of your wife 

Steve, you are not being selfish and you must not blame yourself!!!!!

I am glad, you have your god mother, who is beside you. Please stay positive. 

Everybody has got their private life. Your daughters have no right to spy your phone. Would they agree, if you were reading their own private messages? 

Be strong. Don't give up. We are here for you. 

You can ring the Macmillan support line. It should be open 24/7.

Andrea x

She never will take her place Helen is my love forever - as Paul is hers - we’re just trying to get some joy in a place we both never wanted to be - I’m not cheating with her

the argument seems to be about timing and adding pain to them all rather than the principle - when I pushed on that they said it’s not right time for them and grandma - but it’s right and critical for me - I’m going down the sadness well without company - they seem to think we all deal fully with the grief then when stable look at new stuff 

I lost my mum 15 years ago - the grief for her and Helen will never end or stabilise - they need to understand that this will always be there for them and I can’t wait the 5 years they seem to think it will take - basically they won’t be happy me dating while grandma is alive (is my conclusion) - Kate should not be camped out a grandmas in fearful it’s just going to be a grief fest

That begs the question if they left there partner or was widowed would they have the same outlook I think they would grab at any happiness