Dating after losing my wife Helen at 52

Steve, 

There's no time scale for grief. We are all different. They cannot give you a time scale, they think its right for them. 

You cannot put yourself into a shell until your daughters are ready to accept someone by your side. And what if they never be ready? They cannot expect you to live like this for the rest of your life. You do need a company that's gives you comfort. 

Andrea

They’re 24 and 26 and both single - and seem to be so more dependent in every way then I was or fiends at that age - in many ways they feel like teenagers

my 24 year old is lost in lots of ways in what she wants to do - has health issues and is grief stricken with Helen - I know she needs a lot of support 

Steve

 If they want you to end your relationship, it will have negative impact on you and it will be two of you in the family, who need support.

I hope, your god mother can talk to them. 

Hi Steve,

Again, I agree with the advice given above. It's looks like this has all come about recently.

I don't think you should choose and it is unfair for anyone to put you in that position. Your daughter are coming from a place of hurt, give them some space to get theirs heads around it. Although I don't think they should have been reading your private messages!

Hopefully, the girls' godmother can listen to their concerns and try to get them to see it from your point of view in a neutral kind of way.

I know this is a very difficult time for you but sometimes not reacting straightaway helps in the long run. In the interim, I hope you feel supported by us in some way.

I definately would not give up on your chance of a different type of happiness unless it is a choice you alone make. And, also don't give up on your family - just give them some time and, when the time is right have that heart to heart conversation with them.

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Steve,

I just wanted to validate what everybody else has been telling you. There are different types of grief and, as we all know, the loss of a spouse means the loss of so many other things: our identity, our future plans, our dreams. I am so happy for you if you've found someone you can share things with. My husband died in Dec. 2018. I live abroad where I have no family and friends. In May of this year, a male friend of mine came to visit and stayed 7 weeks. We travelled round the region and it was good company for me. People might have thought all kinds of things about that but, in the end, I was the one suffering and grieving and I was the one who needed some company. I have no intention of being with anyone right now because I'm not ready emotionally, but that's me. If you feel you are, then you're entitled to that, especially as your friend is a widow who understands perfectly what you're going through. Your daughters are no longer children. I hope they will come around and understand. I know how torn you must be feeling. I really hope this will be resolved and you can find whatever happiness there is in store for you. Do what's right for you; there's no rule saying you must wait 5 years. Chances are, 5 years from now, you will be faced with the same problems. I admire your resilience and ability to move forward.

All the best.

Hello SteBee,

What an awful position to find yourself in, it must be so hard for you. I was 49 when I became a widow just over three years ago and the thought of spending the rest of my life alone is a very sobering one. But it is, as you say in one of your posts about timing, and that timing can only be decided by you.

It sounds like one of the things you like about your new friend is that she completely understands how you feel, that you still love and miss your wife as she does her husband, but you can still enjoy each other’s company. We have all learnt on this site that life is short, and one of the things I have learnt from reading posts on here, is that everyone’s spouses and partners want them to be happy with their lives and to live them to the full. I have never read a post that said my spouse/partner wants me to stay on my own, to cry and be lonely for the rest of my life. We never chose when our loved ones came into our lives, we certainly never chose when they would leave us, and I believe we cannot choose if or when we will ever be in the position to love again. It will happen when we are ready, when we meet the right person and for some of us it will never happen at all.

If I were in your position, and please don’t feel that I am telling you what to do, I would write the girls a letter explaining how you feel. Explain how important your wife was and still is in your life, and you will always grieve for her, let them know that you understand how important she was to them and that you understand they will miss her all of  their lives. You did not choose that this person has arrived in your life but she has, and she is not replacing your wife but helping you to start enjoying life again. Would they really deny you a chance of being happy again if you could be. Re assure them that you will be taking things slowly. Explain to them how violated you feel about them reading your private messages, how would they feel if you did the same to them. Yes they may be shocked at what they read, lets face it the young think intimacy is their prerogative, but you are an adult entitled to privacy just as they are. Let them know how much you love them, but will they give up their lives to keep you company as you get older to stop you feeling lonely. Once you have written the letter put it away for a day or two and then re write it in a calmer way to ensure that you don’t say anything in a way you will later regret.

Please take care of yourself and don’t do anything drastic that you will regret, this situation will not sort itself out in a few days, but I hope that in the coming weeks you can all find a way to come together again as a family.

SteBee,

Funny, probably about the time you were posting this I was meeting with my therapist and we were discussing my future. He told me he wouldn't be surprised if I found someone else at some point in the future. He was very clear that it would need to be someone very special so that she could handle the knowledge that I still loved my wife. Not that i couldn't also love someone new, but my love for my departed wife will never go away. 

Someone I know lost his spouse to cancer and was 'dating' a woman, a widow he met in a bereavement support group, within 4 or 5 months. Another woman I know was 'dating' a former college friend a few months after her husband's death. 

I don't think that anyone should be judged by how they act after the death of a spouse. What may be right for you may not be right for someone else. 

I certainly think that you are entitled to several things. First, you are entitled to live your life in a manner that suits you. That doesn't mean that you may not consider others in making choices, but ultimately it is your life, not your daughters' or your mother in law's. Second, you have the right to be happy. f being with this woman makes you happy (and I presume makes her happy, too) then by all means proceed.

It may be difficult for your daughters to understand, they may never understand. Same for your mother in law. This woman is a replacement for your wife. Somehow I hope that they will come to understand - no one will ever replace her

The two people i mentioned above are both doing very well. The woman married her friend. I think it was extremely helpful and also healthy for both of these people to able to allow another person into their lives. 

I hope everything works out for the best for you as well.

Rob

SteeBee,

an egregious typo in my post above!!!

"It may be difficult for your daughters to understand, they may never understand. Same for your mother in law. This woman is NOT a replacement for your wife. Somehow I hope that they will come to understand - no one will ever replace her."

Sorry about that!

Thanks all for your replies last week they meant a great deal to me - as an update I’ve written a letter to my daughters and have posted it today - hoping that they will read it with an open heart and mind - but fearful they may not. I strongly suspect they still hope and expect me to sacrifice this new relationship to be ‘focused on my responsibilities’ to look after them and grandma - but I’ve been clear that for me the timing is right to be open to this whilst still being as good a dad as I can be to them. They continue to track my movements using my phone GPS which is really impacting me mentally but I know if I turn off they will view this very negatively (I did this temporarily last week and I got very heated texts.

everybody tells me they will come around eventually bit it feels a million miles away to me - grandma is also very visibly upset and shaken by it and thinks I’m being unreasonable and uncaring to them all 

This is impacting hugely on my wellbeing 

I pray I’m doing the right thing but as it stands I’m honestly not sure

steve

Hello Steve, just been reading all of this thread. I’m really happy that you’ve found someone to care for and care for you. I’m sorry that your daughters and MIL are finding this difficult to adjust to. I feel strongly that you have a right to be happy and forge a new life after the death of your beloved Helen. As humans we have an unlimited capacity for love - rather wonderful when you think about it. So loving another person doesn’t diminish your love for Helen, or your girls, or your MIL. Maybe they need to be reassured about this. Losing a mum and a daughter must be so painful, 
Life isn’t a dress rehearsal - this is it. Grab your chance for happiness with both hands - I bet it’s what Helen would want for you.