Welcome to the Grief Club...

I agree with everything you say I'm only 11weeks in I'm on antidepressants which help but I would  say it's to early for you to be thinking of that 

Hi Grace , everyone deals with grief in a different way. I love having my wife s things around me and can’t imagine getting rid of anything, even her toothbrush is still beside mine   It seems to give me a little comfort. But like I said it effects people in a different way. But like nothernlass said try and eat even a bar of chocolate. You say how to cope. I do what I have to do and if I don’t want to do anything I don’t   The crying you can’t stop . I have cried every day for the last 6 weeks, and I can’t see it stopping anytime soon . Just let the tears flow. I am sorry it doesn’t help much what ive said. But take comfort you are not alone and we are all with you. Take care. 

Mike 

Dear Grace,

I am so so very sorry for your sudden loss.

I feel your pain, I really do, and the grief for a future you will never have. It is really so very sad. He was so young, and so are you, and you could have had such a wonderful life together. I am sending you a big, virtual hug.

I lost my soul mate Paul on 15th May 2018 after a very long battle with Prostate Cancer. He was one month short of his 69th birthday, I was one week short of my 36th birthday. For us, too, it was not the cancer but too many infections the body was no longer able to fight that took Paul's life in the end.

I miss my Paul every single day. And sometimes I get overwhelmed by the deep sense of loss.

After 15 months on this journey, I can tell you that, while everyone's grief is slightly different, what we are all agreed on is that it gets easier over time. Personally I think this is not because we don't miss our loved ones anymore but rather that we have learned to live with the pain and have developed coping strategies for those times when the pain is too big.

Here are some ideas:

1. Eat little and often. And eat even when you don't feel like it. Make it a rule to have something, even a little thing, for every single meal. It is important because you will need strength for this process. I sometimes didn't eat for days at the start and it didn't do me any good; I lost weight and had to take an iron supplement in the end because my iron levels were so low. Don't let it come so far. Eating is important and we need to do it, no matter whether we feel like it or not.

2. Rather than sitting at home on your own a lot and feeling the emptiness, go out frequently, either to meet friends or family or even just for a walk around the block or to a talk in your town on a topic that interests you. It really doesn't matter what it is, but it will help you to feel less alone and less isolated and give you an occasional break from the pain, which is something that we really need in my opinion. I only survived the last 15 months of my life because I forced myself to go out, be among people, meet new people and eventually make friends. It can be very exhausting to do this when all you really want to do is cry and cry and cry, but it really makes a lot of a difference to your well-being to have a small community around you.

3. Follow your intuition when it comes to letting go of Ryan's things like clothes or books or whatever. And don't make any rushed decisions at such early days. I still have many of Paul's clothes and his aftershaves here. But one day I intuitively knew that it was time to get rid of his tooth brush and so I did.

4. Don't let other people tell you about your own grief. It is your grief. They may think you should do this or that or be at a certain point in your process or whatever. But this is your process and, while you can tell people about it, don't think that they can understand, I mean really understand, what it is like for you.

5. Stay on this forum with us, read posts and share as often as you like. I have found this forum so very helpful and I still do, even though I am on here slightly less than I used to, but this is simply because my life has become busier over time.

I hope some of the above helps a little. Sending you lots of love,

Mel.

Hi Mel 

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me. I really appreciate hearing your strategies. I am the same as you and have barely eaten since Ryan went into hospital to be honest, I think was the anticipation of hearing the next lot of news and how I would cope from it. I have come down to the South Coast for a break with my family and managed to eat a few chips last night. I had a crippling sense of guilt as Ryan loved fish and chips by the seaside and I was so angry that he was not here to enjoy it with me. 

I cried so much this morning as it was my first weekend with out him. I even contemplated going shopping into town for funeral clothes after I had calmed down?! Oh grief! I can’t think straight and then I burst into hysterical laughter thinking how weird it would be shopping for now deceased fiancés funeral. I went for a walk on the beach last night with family and I suddenly felt a rush of anger when I saw couples, young and old enjoying each other’s company. I felt like screaming “how dare you have fun and live your life when my life is over!!” 

He proposed to me last week at the hospital whilst he was more lucid in morphine. I wear my ring with pride but now as the days go on I think I am being ridiculous for wearing it when we have no wedding to plan?? 

Its such a beautiful day and I’ve been in a room crying for most of the day  - I’m hoping that all our loved ones are sending this sunshine as a sign. 

Xxx

You're totally entitled to wear your ring with pride.

 I'm glad you're with family just now. 

Feeling angry or upset at couples is totally understandable and many of us here have felt the same. 

It's just so cruel that you are in this situation. 

Hugs x

My deepest sympathy, Grace.

Go to the funeral and make yourself look as beautiful as you can for your husband. My husband didn't like to see me in black so I wore a little bit of red (yes, red) which he liked to see me in. Honour him however you want to. 

During my husband's burial, a robin came and stayed on the edge of the grave during the whole service and looked at each and everyone who was there. It was as if he was acknowledging all the attendees. (It was a small funeral).  I was hugging his urn and my eyes were closed throughout the service so it was the others who recounted this to me. I was mad at myself for not seeing what everybody else had seen. A week later when I returned to the cemetery with my sister, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, the robin came back and did the same thing, standing on the little ledge and looking at each one of us in turn. Everyone, believers, non-believers, sceptics all thought it was a sign. Why am I telling you this? I'm not sure, perhaps to give you a teeny bit of strength, of hope...

It will be sad and the days ahead will be sadder but you will have support. There is no book to help but I did read, at the very beginning, On Grief and Grieving by Kübler-Ross. What it did for me was to make me realize that everythng I was feeling was normal and natural. So, when I thought I was going mad, I knew I wasn't.. There was an exercise that helped and that still helps me.She advises to write to your loved one with your dominant hand and to reply with your non-dominant hand so it feels as though it's the other person replying. It has brought me some comfort. Whatever works, right?

Sorry for such a lengthy post but I do feel for you.

Hi Grace,

You are so welcome. It is so good to share isn't it? It somehow makes it all a tiny little bit easier doesn't it?

I can understand all your feelings.

Personally, I never had this feeling of anger when I saw other couples around. Instead, I was always thinking - and still do - how good it is that they didn't have to experience what we did experience and I wish them from the bottom of my heart a great life together. But I think this attitude comes mainly from the fact that I have done a lot of Buddhist practice in the past where you focus very much on wishing other people well regardless of your own situation.

I think the fact that Ryan proposed to you in hospital only one week before he passed away is on one hand so very sad in the sense that he so wanted to show you "Hey, I want to spend my life with you and would be honoured if you became my wife" and, on the other hand, you both knew that this future together was not going to happen. I think it would make the proposal even more important to me. And, even though you won't get married to him now, wear your ring with pride as long as you feel it is right and maybe forever - whatever is good for you.

I am glad you are with family. It will help you to have people around you I think.

I am heading into work now. Another day with many clients and really busy which is good.

Love and hugs,

Mel.

Hi Mel 

I honestly am so happy you manage to see life like that. That is a such a  strong person. I know in time, I will hopefully be older and wiser in my grief and as a person, but right now I am so bloody bitter! I was even considering disabling my social media accounts as I can’t bear to see what other people are doing in normal life when I feel so low. 

Today has been a bit of a “better” day than yesterday. I washed my hair and went for a walk on the beach by myself. I told my family (not in a rude way) that I wanted time alone. The last week when Ryan was in hospital I was surrounded by people all day, everyday that today I had alone time. I could see the panicked look on their faces too as I told them I just wanted to sit on a bench and talk to him. I think they are worried I will hurt myself or do something irrational. 

Did you feel like this (or anyone) in the first few days/weeks of wanting to be alone? Not for hours on end, but just for a few moments? 

Did anyone join some sort of support group for bereaved partners? Please do not take offence as I wish to cause none, as I am 27 I feel like support groups like those mentioned  would be full of much older people with children? 

Hi there it doesn't matter what age the pain is still the same I know it's hell and yes I did want time on my own not long but enough to talk to my wife at night I would ask her why I still do but the pain is still there it's something we all have to work through  part of the healing process but you never forget them or totally not hurt

ghan I'm glad you've had a better day. I think wanting to have some time on your own is understandable. I didn't have people round me all the time myself.

I'm older than you but we never had children. 

There's WAY - for young widows.