Symptoms of cancer

Andrea

Try not to add to your distress by doing the "what it's" we are not Doctor's and we all do our best. If I look at photos of my husband in the months before his diagnosis he didn't look quite right but he was happy and that's what matters.

My husband didn't go to the doctor's for ages when he first started feeling unwell. He had Adrenal cancer. He started putting on weight and felt bloated so cut out bread and alcohol in his diet and he felt abit better. We never thought to go to the Doctor's, we never suspected cancer.

I know wonder what would we have achieved if we had gone and got a diagnosis!! For him his diagnosis was terminal, so he would have worried longer. I'm glad we didn't know, we had the holiday of a life time to South Africa, we visited his family there and made fabulous memories. Upon our return my husband got a DVT and that's when the cancer was discovered. His time with known cancer was short, just 3 months but long enough. The trauma of him going to bed at night knowing that tomorrow he was likely to feel worse every day til his death nearly killed me too. Our children helping their big strong Dad eat and drink was incredibly painful to witness. 

So no I don't look for cancer in every small niggle and pain. I am not getting cancer it's taken the best of our family, it's not getting anyone else. 

There is so much to worry about in my future I cannot let the "what ifs" in.

I hope you have a peaceful day 

Please don’t blame yourself Andrea we all think the same thing , I am sure we all did our best and our loved one s now that. 

Cancer is to blame not us. 

Take it easy today. 

Mike 

Andrea,

On one hand, reading your post makes me want to say to you, "Stop it! I have been there, done that, and I can tell you it does not help at all but only makes you feel worse to think like that!" But, on the other hand, I know that you have to go through these "what ifs" because it is a part of our grieving process all this self-blame, the blaming ourselves, the trying to find where we feel we may have gone wrong. So you have my deep compassion for feeling this way.

All symptoms of cancer are different and the symptoms you have described and are now trying to warn other people of could also be down to a lot of other medical conditions. So I would not go around warning people and frighten them so that every little thing they feel they think may be cancer, but you also have to realise that in your husband's case as well it could have been many, many different things.

Whether your knowing earlier could have saved him... Who knows? You don't and I don't and even the doctors don't. Cancer is a very unpredictable disease and different from person to person.

Try and concentrate on the lovely times you had, on the wonderful memories, on the preciousness of your togetherness. That is what counts. You like everyone else here did their best to come to terms with a very serious diagnosis and then doing the best for our partners in this very difficult time. We can't blame ourselves for things we now feel we could have done better.

I am writing all this because I, too, know all this so well. And even now, fifteen months on, I still have moments when I think, "Why oh why didn't I do...?" or, "If only I had been...!" For example, I go to bed listening to an audio book every night because it helps me sleep. My husband used to listen to at least one podcast every night after we had said good night. I used to disaprove of that and told him that he should give his brain a rest and not constantly entertain himself. And just the other day I was thinking: "Well, but didn't he do it for the same reasons that I am listening to things now when I am in bed? I am sure he did feel his suffering and fear unless he listened to things!" And I felt the pain of guilt because I hadn't been able to understand and had been on his case all the time. But, you know, it is what it is! I can't change it anymore and it doesn't make Paul any happier if I understand this now. So I have to let it go.

Andrea, I hope you have a good day today.

Mel.

I'm a nurse and feel the guilt of why didn't I realise how ill he was. I look at photos trying to spot signs that I missed but there's nothing to see.  The night before he died he wasn't well and I was going to call the GP in the morning but he went in the night totally unexpected. I continually wonder that I should have called and not waited. 

It's hard but realistically I have to somehow get past the guilt.  I would say that it isn't helping you to constantly read about signs of cancer, you need to try and stop this. 

I totally agree with you I feel guilty for not spotting my wife's myloma she had bad backs for a few weeks but if doctors can't spot it how can I expect myself to  I have beaten myself up for it  but hasn't brought he back to me I have prostate cancer and she never spotted that I just goes to show we are only human

Andrea my heart goes out to you 

I understand where you’re coming from, we all look back with hindsight & think “if we got help then would it have changed the outcome”?  I think it’s a perfectly normal response.

But then we have to be honest with ourselves too about how much we could really have influenced what came next & like others have said symptoms are similar, not all roads lead to cancer it just feels that way at times. Since my husband died last year we have lost another friend (age 50) & another is terminally ill with cancer , I also lost a friend the year before so I’m trying very hard to not feel doomed. Sometimes  it just feels inevitable that people get this disease but I know deep down that’s not the case for everyone. 

Once you knew of the diagnosis I’m sure you did everything you could to help your husband. You must remember that, you gave him courage to face the darkest days, that is a true gift & only you would’ve been able to give him that love & confidence to keep going & face each day so don’t underestimate what you did do for your husband. 

You were there when it mattered the most

Sarah xx 

Hi Sarah

Thank you for your supportive words full of kindness, understanding and positivity. Your words are helping me to see things in a different way. I was next to my beloved husband until his very last hours giving him all my love and care. The anger that our life together had come to an end so unexpectedly just within few weeks, made me feel guilty that i didn't notice, there was something terribly wrong with him that i missed. Its difficult to stop thinking about those What if questions. A couple of months ago i was seeing a specialist with my shoulder pain. My husband came with me every time i went to see my doctor. Now when I am looking back i realise, he must have been seriously ill already. My health problem was nothing compared to his.

We have to carry on with in life taking our memories with us locked in our hearts. I keep asking my husband to give me strength, carriage and confidence to help me to survive.

Thank you Sarah for bringing some light into my darkness. 

Sending you my best wishes, my love and hugs

And also to all on this forum. 

Thinking of you all 

Andrea

Hi Andrea, and to all those who replied to Andrea’s post.

i too have felt terrible guilt about not picking up on my husband’s illness. He very quietly, without any fuss or further explanation, would say from time to time that he “didn’t feel too good”. I didn’t think too much of it but just kept telling him to see his doctor. and he did- over and over throughout the year before he was diagnosed. But his doctor didn’t detect what was wrong until it was way too late. And my husband had come through a different cancer 3 years previously. His doctor should have heard alarm bells roaring, but he totally missed it. And we trusted him and so trusted there was nothing wrong. But I can’t stop beating myself over and over about this. I’m angry with his doctor but I’m equally angry with myself.

reading the replies to your post helps me to see that a lot of us feel this way. It doesn’t make it easier but it helps to know that this seems to be a normal reaction and to know I am not alone in this awful feeling.

i hope the replies are helping you too, even if just a little.

Andrea if I’ve helped even a tiny bit I’m glad I replied.

You are not to blame for not getting an earlier diagnosis, you were just doing what we all do & getting on with life, even the trivial day to day stuff like shopping & appointments etc.

Maybe there weren’t any obvious symptoms until he was really very ill. This is only my theory but when I listen to others as well & my own experience, I sometimes wonder if the symptoms are so vague & subtle that you can’t figure out or notice what’s wrong until that cancer has somehow “settled” in a place & then shows it’s true colours, that until that point it’s unmeasurable somehow, just rather vague. And how can we really look out for that? It’s incredibly difficult.

My husband died of kidney cancer. When I was newly bereaved I read an article about a consultant in America who also had the disease. He was a respected Dr in his field , his wife a medical journalist & he was born with one kidney smaller than the other. As a result he had 3 monthly scans his entire life. He was doing ok until one day he just didn’t feel right & went to ER room after his shift. They did tests & confirmed he had terminal kidney cancer. Now I’m telling you this tale of woe just to show you what I needed to also see at that point in time that you are at now-  both husband & wife were medically knowledgeable, he was very aware of serious illness,  worked with urologists in his day to day life, was regularly reviewed through scans & very aware of any changes needing to be monitored, yet neither of them had any idea he was so unwell until he was diagnosed a few weeks before his death. If they didn’t know this, how can we be so hard on ourselves in our situations for not realising too?  

We all do it though & I think it’s part of processing what’s happened. Time does gradually give it some perspective & the endless questioning & holding ourselves  account will stop somewhat.  Be kind to you now, there is a real possibility that he may just have known for longer, felt fear for longer & taken away the day to day peace you had together.  Cancer has taken enough from you both, don’t let it cast doubts now.

It takes courage to carry on. At first it is enough to just survive each day & exist, but gradually, very slowly, you will find the strength to honour your husband by living again for the both of you.

Big hugs to all those who need them tonight

Sarah xx 

WildCat, I know, this must still be difficult for you to come to terms with.

But I think it is for most of us at one point or another on this journey.

I often think to myself that I shouldn't have allowed my husband to go to the dentist to get fillings done when he had just recovered from pneumonia because I feel that working with the instruments in his mouth may have brought on the Klepsiella infection. It started on the day after his visit to the dentist.

But I also know that, if it had not been the visit to the dentist, if it even was, it would have been something else sooner or later that his very compromised system wouldn't have been able to fight.

I think I didn't know that you are a nurse. Are you still working?

Love, Mel.