8 Months on

Hi Tracey. Thank you for the kind words. It must be very hard for you loosing your dad and your sister, and also for your mum. How is your mum coping now. I live in Ireland and my sons are in the uk, they have persuaded me to go over for the weekend . So I am going Saturday and back Thursday, I am dreading the drive over as it will be the first time doing it on my own. 

The past few days have been bad today being the worst . I keep bursting into tears and the silence of the house is enough to drive you crazy. I know everyone says it will ease with time but 1 day seems like a year. As you probably know.

i hope Andrea got on ok today as I am sure it will be very hard for her. Hope you had a good day.

 Mike 

Hi Mike, thanks for your lovely text. You can do this journey, keep the radio on for company on the journey. I'm sure your loved one will be willing you on all the way. Think about what would they say to you. It'll do you the world of good. I'm not sure of your age but give some thought to being a volunteer locally. Don't stop the tears falling, its all part of you grieving. I'm here for you, Andrea and everyone. My mum is old but she does a lot of voluntary work to keep her mind occupied, since my beautiful sister died. Don't try to hide how your feeling in front of people, you be yourself and don't think too far ahead, take each day as it comes and let tomorrow take care of itself. Big hug, safe journey. Tell me all about it when you return ok. Tracey x

Hi Tracey. Thank you for your kind words I will try the radio on while traveling but I think it will just annoy me . When the two of us were going anywhere we never had the radio on we were happy with our own company. But I will try it. I am 64 and live in the country so there is no chance of voluntary work . Don’t worry I want stop the tears, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. It is good your mum keeps busy , it will keep her mind of things. I will let you know how I get on. 

Take care. 

Mike 

Thanks Mike, Its so obvious that you and your wife had such a special and devoted marriage. That's so lovely to hear in todays world. I can totally understand why you feel so alone, living in the countryside, it is beautiful but not when your on your own. When you've done that first trip, you can feel so proud of yourself. The first one is always the hardest. I've heard that Ireland is a glorious place and so friendly. My mum lived in the countryside when she lost Dad, she felt very isolated and vulnerable and decided to move closer  to the rest of the family. I hated that house being sold as I had so many memories there but I had to put mums safety first. Like my mum said, the memories are all in our head and we can take them everywhere with us. Have you thought about getting a dog? There great company and that's what pulled my mum through the worst times. Take care, Tracey x

Hi  Mike

I hope you have a nice time with your family and they will keep you distracted. Just be careful when you drive. Put music on. Stop when you feel you need to. 

I got to a stage when i can't even cry. Its difficult to describe. I feel i died inside and the feelings inside me. 

Feeling like a walking dead. 

Its 4 am and i had to make a herbal tea as my stomach is in knots again and it hurts.

Went to the MACMILLAN office today. Took the donation that people who attended the duneral where so kind to contribute. Had a chat with them. They gave me more contacts for local bereavement groups. Unfortunately these groups only meet once a month and the next meeting is not till mid September.

Thinking of you all. Love and hugs to you all 

Lets hope tomorrow is going to be better 

Andtea xx

Hi Andrea thank you for the advice. I am sorry you are still awake at 4 am . I take a sleeping pill and it helps a little. My stomach is also in knots it seems to be that way all the time . I still can’t eat , only a little bit now and then.

take care 

Mike. 

Hi Pammi4.

It was lovely to read your post. And it is good to hear that, after having gone through all of the stages and situations you have described in your email, you feel that you are strong and able to do it, even though it is very, very hard. I feel the same. I know that whatever I feel it is not going to break me completely, because it hasn't so far, and that I am able to live with the situation as it is now as best I can. That's a good feeling.

I am so glad that for you, too, the questions and the blame have stopped. I found it so exhausting when this happened to me. What could I have done better? What shouldn't I have done? Was I good enough to Paul? What could the doctors have done? What did they not do but should have done? What could the nurses have done? What should the nurses not have done? What if...? It's terrible and doesn't lead to anything but more grief. I hope everyone on here will eventually be able to see it and let go of this kind of questioning.

Please keep checking in from time to time and keep posting.

Love, Mel.

Hi Andrea how have you been since I last messaged you? I have thought about you. Tracey x

Hi Mike, I've been wondering how your journey was to your son's. I hope your getting some comfort from having family around you. Take care, Tracey x

Hi Mike hope your journey went ok and settled in now bet your glad to see your family