8 Months on

It's 00:39am and still awake :(

Unable to fall asleep tonight. Just made hot milk with honey and switched the light on. 

Andrea

Hi Lavender1969, I am so sorry, I have just read your blog. Theres no right or wrong when your grieving. Just take one day at a time. Its still incredibly raw for you. You have many friends on this site that will listen to you anytime. When I lost my Dad the pain was over whelming and it was 10years before I could talk about him without crying but very gradually I did get through it. My beautiful sister died of cancer 4 years ago, again the pain and longing for them is indescribable. Remember we are all here for you. I keep my Dad and sister's memory alive by talking about them nearly everyday and it does help. I'm sure if you contact McMillan they will help support you. I paid to have a star in the sky  named after my Dad, it actually brings  me comfort every time I look up to the sky. There are so many emotions involved when your grieving and all these feelings are perfectly normal. Allow yourself to feel like do, you've every right to feel like it. I hope you've got some support around you from friends and family. I'm sending you a huge hug.

Hi Meditation, 

Thank you for the hugs and supportive words. 

I am sorry about your losses. Must be hard for you too. Have you got other siblings? 

Cancer is a nasty decease. I read that one out of three people have it. The awareness of symptoms at early stage when people could get treatment does not seem to be enough. I think there shouls be more done. 

Its great to have this online group. Knowing we are not alone. 

I am trying to talk about my Rob too. The funny things he did. When I am doing things I  am thinking what he would have said. I keep asking him to protect me, give me confidence and strength and help me to survive. 

It's hard to cope. . I am trying to keep busy. But its just cheating myself. Because I am coming back to an empty house, the silence is dreadful, cannot be bothered to cook. Stopped going to shops thinking I don't need anything and I have no one to cook for. 

My dad died 30 years ago and I burst out crying a couple of month ago. If this is the way life is, then I am asking myself why is it hurting so much when we lose someone? 

I have rung the Macmillan helpline on a few occasions. Did go to see my GP today. They gave me some tablets to help me sleep. They tried to get me into a local therapy group but it seems I cannot join them because my husband wasn't in the hospice where this support group runs. 

I will take the sleep tablets tonight as I feel I won't sleep again if I don't take it. 

I am sending big hugs to everyone too and wish everyone a good night sleep. Thinking of you all. 

Andrea

Hi Andrea. I feel exactly the same . I did go to the shop today but didn’t know what I was buying and then came back to an empty quiet house. It just seems they’re is no end to it. When I am out and see all the couples and I am on my own it just makes it worse. I hope the sleeping pills help you tonight. 

Big hug to you as well. 

Mike 

Hi Andrea, thank you for your very touching blog. I have to admit I felt very choked for you. Yes I have my mum, she too had cancer and I have sisters but they live 30 miles away. My mum has found adjusting to being alone quite difficult. Like you said, she won't go into anywhere to eat alone and mum always says, she is only here filling in time. My mum has a little shrine to my Dad and sister. I don't think you ever get used to it but you do carry  on somehow. I promise over time you will gradually make a life for yourself and it'll happen naturally when your ready. Not a day goes by where I don't think of Dad and Stephy. This is why my mum was so scared she was going to lose another daughter through cancer, when I got breast cancer. Your Rob was obviously a wonderful fella, I can tell. Think what he would want you to do. You must allow yourself to grieve.as tthe process is so important to helping you get through this awful time. We do find the strength from somewhere to get through it . Remember we are always here for you and this Mcmillan site is the best support I've found. Your going to be ok eventually, big hugs. Tracey (Meditation) xx

Hi Andrea, one other thing I meant to say was, try to take a walk to the shops or park everyday, rather than not going out the house at all. You don't want to get into the routine of staying in the house. I understand its probably too upsetting if you bump into people and they start asking about Rob but do it at a quiet time. How I wish I had a magic wand to take your pain away. Tracey x

Hi Tracey,

I hope you had a good sleep and so had everybody. 

I was awake most of the night. The sleeping pill did not work. I won't be taking it again. 

Just had a text from my mum who lives abroad. She is 76 and deaf so we cannot communicate over the phone. My dad died 30 years ago when he was 46. My older sister of 53 is also a widow. Her husband passed away 9 years ago.

My stomach is is knots again. Trying to take deep breaths but cannot relax. I don't know why I forgot to mention this to the nurse yesterday.

I hope we all have a better day today. Thinking of you all. 

Andrea

Hi Treacey, 

I wish the same. We all had that magic wand too. 

I have in town pretty much every day. Trying to sort all kind of paperwork. I do fell tired after but when i lye down in bed, cannot rest.

It feels awful when i am on bus looking at couples and families and i feel terribly alone. I wish i could meet someone who feels same and have a cuppa. 

Its great we have people in our group who can encourage us. God bless them. 

Love

Andtea

HI Andrea, oh bless you. Listen its still very early days for you and your probably still trying to comprehend the whole situation and why did it happen to us. When I was going through it with Dad and Stephy I just took things hour by hour to get through the day. It is harder for you because you were a whole and now one half isn't there in body. So your not coming back to a quiet house, leave the radio on, so that when you walk through the front door there isn't that silence. This is what my mum does. You can also ring the Samaritans', they are another incredible charity like Mcmillan. They encourage you to talk to them and they will have details of places that can help you. I also treated myself to a Head Massage as I was having terrible anxiety attacks and that really did help me sleep. If you pop into your local library they too will have contact details of bereavement support. Are your neighbours or friends supportive? I wish I could help you more. On this site there are others in the same position, maybe good to ask someone whose at a more advanced stage what you can do. It really is early days and you are so right about the pain being overwhelming. I remember hating anybody who was happy, I wanted them to know I'd lost my Dad and sister. You feel like your in a circle and time has stopped and the rest of the world are spinning around you. In time it will ease, you don't forget but it does get easier and you start to accept. Big hugs to you. X Tracey

Hi Mike, I read your messages to Andrea. I'm so sorry your really going through the mill. Its hard to know what to say but I say the same to you as I did to Andrea. You've only got to message one of us on this site if ever you need to talk. Always here for you Mike. How have the past few days been? Tracey xx