8 Months on

FormerMember over 5 years ago

29 replies
27 subscribers
16914 views

Hi everyone

I haven’t posted for ages but do pop in and out reading posts see how everyone is coping sometimes I get tips if I’m having a particularly bad day well here I am 8 months after loosing my soul mate my lover my best friend at times it has been horrendous to say the least in the beginning after his funeral I kept rehashing his cancer journey over and over in my head his awful head and neck cancer nose removed jaw removed eventually going blind I blamed Kola for not going to the doctors sooner I blamed doctors for not realising sooner I blamed doctors for not saving him I asked myself over and over again did I do everything I could I went back to work shortly after and although it was the most nerve racking thing I did it stopped me from going into a deep depression I have had days where I was just in floods of tears the moment I got into work till the moment I left I have had arguments with work colleagues been unsympathetic to their problems what can be worse right than loosing your soul mate have lost who I was or am in this awful grieving process have cried more and more and more until I could not cry anymore and NOW we’ll i still have moments we scattered Kolas ashes the other day seemed final now I have been through so many firsts Anniversary Father’s Day Mother’s Day daughters birthday my birthday how did I get through them in a blur I have now been on holiday for nearly 3 weeks I work in a school the last week of work I really felt I was loosing it loosing myself but now I see I am strong Kola knew I could do this I don’t want to none of us asked for this but here we are having a life without our loved ones the ones we chose to have a life with this grieving journey is horrendous and we can loose ourselves as well but our soul mates would want us to try to have a life without them so when you get to my stage or when your brain and heart allows you to venture out just for a coffee little steps at a time and we will all make our soul mates proud xxxx

love to you all going through this horrendous time love Pam XX.

winmick over 5 years ago in reply to Newb

Hi Tracy and Newb. The journey over in the car was so lonely, kept talking to Winnie but of course no answer. The boat trip should have been 4 hour but because of bad weather it took 9. It was lovely to see my sons and two grandchildren but it keeps running through my mind that Winnie should be here as well. There’s an awful lot of tears and I still can’t believe I am on my own .

we went out for a meal yesterday for my granddaughter birthday, I put on a brave face and tried to look happy, couldn’t really eat anything but forced a little bit down. I just don’t know what I am going to do for the future. I’ll wait and see what the next 2 days hold . I go back hoe on Thursday.

Love to you all

Mike

Love you always Winnie xx

meditation over 5 years ago in reply to winmick

Thank you for your message Mike. I feel so choked for you and so wish I could make everything right for you. Try to get through one day at a time and let the future take care of itself, just while your hurting badly. I'm convinced that my Dad and sister do hear me when I talk to them as things have happened at that moment, which I believe is their way of saying, I'm with you. Wishing you a better journey back. Take care, Tracey x

Newb over 5 years ago in reply to winmick

It's always hard on your own in the car I talk to Lesley all the time but then I get a get and have a good shout no one can hear me but at least I got it out of my system I often tell her when we meet again who ever did this to us I'm going to find them nobody answered but I felt a little better

Ian

winmick over 5 years ago in reply to Newb

Thank you for the kind message Tracy I’ll do my best.

Newb I get exactly where you are coming from.

Mike

Love you always Winnie xx

Newb over 5 years ago in reply to winmick

Just got home from work called at doctors he gave me some tablets to calm me down will have to see had a meltdown at work

Ian

winmick over 5 years ago in reply to Newb

So sorry for you Newb hope you are ok

Mike

Love you always Winnie xx

Newb over 5 years ago in reply to winmick

Thank you Mike told me I was doing to much to fast caused a meltdown so got to slow down

Ian

occupation2heal over 5 years ago in reply to meditation

I love your star in the sky for your dad. My husband, who died last week, used to study the stars with his telescope and point the different galaxies etc out to me. I’d love to have a star named after him. How did you go about it?

Alison

Trying to be like the tree that bends with the wind and rain and thus weathers the storm

meditation over 5 years ago in reply to occupation2heal

I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing away. Its a tough storm to weather but you will eventually get through this time. Go with what ever your feeling and thinking. Just know that were there for you on this wonderful MacMillan site. My Dad had a telescope and loved to watch the sky at night. I remember him calling me excitedly to come and have a look through the telescope one evening, at the craters on the moon, it really was an amazing sight. Its been 18years since my dad passed Theres an excellent site called Star Registration and they only name stars that are visible anywhere in the world, night sky. Such a long time since I did the star. You'll get a certificate etc. Look them up on the internet at info@star-registration.com. Let me know how you get on. Wishing you love and peace. Tracey

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