How to cope

Oh Andrea,

i’m so sorry, the last thing you need at this terrible time is a family who won’t support your wishes and needs. I thought it would be your decision as his wife? I wish you had someone strong beside you to support you and help you, you should be allowed to choose cremation and keep him near you if that is what you want. I am so sorry. 

My Mark’s funeral was on July 9th, the day passed in a blur. We were offered the local football stadium as the place to gather after the funeral because the man in charge of the stadium is a friend. I was worried that the function room would be a bit impersonal so I selected 25 of my favourite photographs of Mark and had them enlarged and framed and I put them up around the room. We also had a photograph on the coffin in the church. And myself and the 3 girls (Mark’s 2 daughters and my daughter) stood up and spoke about Mark in the church. We all chose the music together too. Perhaps you could be involved in the funeral in ways like that and it would help you feel more in control of what is happening? 

Where are you from originally Andrea if you don’t mind me asking? You said your family live abroad, will any of them be able to come and support you on the day?

Fiona x

Hi Andrea,

I know how you feel the doctor kept packing my husband off saying it was stress, she even complimented him on his weight loss it was only when he saw a different gp did he get referred. You feel angry and blame yourself for not spotting what the professional should have, for not having a way to push that forward and get it before the experts, for not having the wherewithal to get the right tests.

I've done all that but it doesn't change anything it just makes you feel like s***. Things will never be the same but you will find a new normal in your own time.

I thought I would be tucked away in a long term care home because my husband was my the ground beneath my feet mental health wise, he only ever knew me with my seriously anxiety problem so at first I was convinced I'd be found dead weeks later an accident at home or be Committed but each day after he had died was another day I survived alone and step by step I found the new normal. But there was not an easy day for at least 2 years.

Just keep plodding on, ignore the people who tell you time to move on, find a grief group to share your pain. In the second year a counsellor came to me once a week and it helped me step out of the wallow and find the joy in our life before.

At the moment you're still in shock, the loss is almost as violent as losing someone in a crash.

D

Good morning Fiona

Thank you for the supportive words. Everything happened so quickly that I was unable to stand up for myself. The family threatened me and told me they were with my husband for longer then me. That our marriage only lasted 12 days. I said its not my fault. We were engaged and wanted to get married. After I signed the documents at the funeral director I got in touch with advisors and they told me same. That I am his wife and I can do as my heart tells me. I wish I had done that before but I was on my own and couldn't think. After I signed the documents I told them that I feel its unfair that they want to decide about the funeral and burial and made me to pay for what they wanted. Its their right to decide but my right to pay. 

My family lives in Slovakia. My mum is 77 and not in a good health. Got a sister and brother but I don't expect them to come as the plane tickets at this time of the year are expensive. 

The wake will at my husbands workplace. They offered a function room. I will be taking framed photos too and there will be projector as well to play our photos. Also I gave them a play list of our favourite songs. 

If there is anyone who is in a similar situation please don't let anyone to decide instead of you. It's your right as a wife/husband to decide. No one else's. Now I know.

Andrea

Hi Andrea,

I am sad that you were forced to make a decision you didn’t want to. I remember being totally confused by the simplest questions when we went to the funeral home to talk about the funeral. It is so overwhelming and you can’t believe you are even having those conversations about the person you love and who should still be there beside you. 

I hope you have good friends to support you if your family can’t be there. Don’t be afraid to ask friends or neighbours to help you on the day, it will all pass so fast, remember to drink plenty of water, dehydration can make you feel lightheaded and many of us have been crying for so long we don’t realise how dehydrated we are. If any of your husbands work colleagues and friends offer help, or offer to come and visit, accept it. Take phone numbers from them, people really do want to help and you never know, it could be nice in the coming months to meet up with people who know him and want to talk about him.

I lived in Budapest for 12 years, my daughter was born there. When I first lived there, from 1992, I had to go across the bridge at the Danube bend at Esztergom to Slovakia to get my passport stamped. Perhaps you can plan a trip home sometime soon to give you something to look forward to? I will be going to Dublin next week to see my sister and my brothers and my nephews and nieces, I need some hugs from the people who really care about me.

take care Andrea, we are here when you need us 

Fiona xx

Hi Fiona, 

That sounds unbelievable. My grand parents originated from Hungary. We used to travel there to see them and the other relatives. I speak hungarian. Me and my siblings are all bilingual.

I will go and see my family as soon as possible but need to sort out paper documents of all sort. 

Going to see my GP next week. Would join a local group if there any in my area. 

I need to find my new path as we all do. I have stopped doing evewi used to. I always cooked us fresh meal. Since I am alone I haven't cooked anything. Just cannot be bothered to do it for me only. 

Andrea

Szia Andrea :-)

i speak Hungarian too, not so much anymore as my daughter and I speak English to each other so i have forgotten a lot but i’m still pretty fluent. I loved Hungary and visited many beautiful places while I lived there. 

Cooking has become such a chore in my house too, I am hoping that will pass when i get my appetite back properly. I am eating rubbish, not enough fresh food and vegetables but as you say I can’t be bothered. I also was very particular about keeping up with the ironing but now that is sitting in piles and i can’t be bothered. I always made sure Mark had clean ironed shirts every day and how I wish I could be doing that for him still. :-(

take care

remelem jo napod lesz 

Fiona 

Szia Fiona, 

Your hungarian is perfect. 

How's been your day today? I hope not too bad and you managed to take your mind away. 

When I am reading replies it's just like reading about myself. My eating is absolutely rubbish whereas we cooked fresh every day. Cannot remember when I had the last decent meal. . The pile with the ironing is growing each day. I think i would do with a little sleep. 

Spent two hours with making the bed this morning and it's still not done. When Rob was here I was mouning that he never makes the bed. I wish he was still here and would never ever moun again. 

I am trying to put some words together for the speech. It's ever so hard. I wish I was great at these sort of things but I am unable to put in words the way I'd want it. 

Look after yourself. 

Andrea

Hi Andrea,

i got out of the house and went into town for an hour just to feel like I did something. Then I took the dog for a walk. Had a long phone call with a friend which was nice. And now it is 7pm and I can count down the time until bed.

I know what you mean about the speech. For me it was important to remind people how much fun we had with Mark, he had a stupid childish sense of humour and he loved making us laugh so I remembered some of the things he did that were funny and I’m glad it lifted the sadness just for a couple of minutes in the church. It is so hard to stand up and say something that i found it easier to talk about his humour. 

Our girls wrote letters direct to Mark and read them out. It was heartbreaking but they were all glad they did it and I was so proud of them.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, what you need to do is do it for yourself, you knew him better than anyone else and they can’t take that away from you.

Fiona xx

Hi FIONA

I am glad you did some nice things even though its hard.

I am still dealing with the funeral. Been looking for photographs and trying to finish the speech. But I won't read it. I won't be able to as I am an anxious person and never been able to talk in public. 

Meant to tidy up aa bit today but ended up making more mess.

One of our neighbours came around at lunchtime. We had a chat with a cuppa and biscuits. Even our neighbours are in a shock as we moved here only 11 months ago.

Its good to remember and talk about the happy times and funny memories rather then the sadness. 

I will be going into town tomorrow morning. Not because I fancy it. Need to deal with things. 

Its two weeks today since my beloved Rob has left me. Where is all this time gone? 

Still find myself thinking this is not real. It cannot be. 

I hope we all get some rest tonight thinking of our loved ones with closed eyes in bed. 

Take care

Andrea

 Hi lavender 1969 and Fiona and all, 

 Lavender 1969  and Fiona, I am so sorry for your loss this. It is such a difficult journey we are on and I am so glad you have found this community with people who are going through a very similar experience to your own. 

 Fiona, all the feelings you have described I used to have myself for a long time and, even now, almost 15 months after Paul’s death, I have days when I have some or all of those feelings. Certainly what is always there are the sense of loneliness, lack of purpose and missing him so much that it hurts.  I am only at 37 and, like you Fiona, I never ever imagined that I would lose Paul so soon, even though I knew that I would lose him to this horrible disease at some stage and that our time wouldn’t be too long. 

 I think all we can do is go on as best we can. Tried to get a rest, tried to get in of sleep, go for counselling if we feel this is a possibility, talk to people who are willing to listen and willing to learn to understand, and do what ever makes us feel good at this difficult time. 

 Love and hugs!