New to the group

Hi Kirsty,

Like you I joined a while ago but haven't felt like posting. When I saw your message with no replies though I felt I had to say something. It's nearly 6 months since my wife died (age 38). It's massively unfair and unbelievable. I don't think I'll ever stop being sad about it.

I don't think that I have any advice to offer you. I just keep busy seeing friends and family, and going out to distract myself. When I stop I just feel so alone. I feel like I'm just passing the time while I'm waiting for something.

Char

Hi Char

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. Passing the time waiting for something is exactly how I feel. Even when I'm distracted or out having a good time it can all feel a bit pointless. It's hard to believe this will ever get easier.

K

Hi K,

First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am for your loss. Please accept my sincere condolences on the death of your partner.

He was still so very young! May I ask what age you are?

I lost my husband almost 15 months ago. I am only 37. He was 68. I know the feeling that it is so unfair only too well. Paul and I were soul mates, meant to be together, so lucky to have found each other, we used to do everything together, he was the most loving, kindest, funniest, gentlest person I know. And now I have to live my life without him. Yes, all this is so very sad and so unfair.

I too know the feeling of loneliness that is present no matter how much support we have from our family and friends. The only person we want is the one person we can no longer have. Over time I have found, though, that it does help to meet people occasionally and to try and make more friends.

Wat you will hopefully find in this forum are people who have gone through similarsituations and can therefore truly understand. It has helped me a lot to be on the forum, to write and to share but also to reply to others and, ultimately, seeing that I am not alone in this.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Mel,

Thank you for your message. I'm so sorry for the loss of you husband Paul.

I'm 27, was 26 when Chris died, so I'm finding it quite hard to find people who relate to losing a partner in their 20s. I'm at the age where as much as my friends are giving me amazing support, they're all getting engaged/married/pregnant/moving in together and it's very disconcerting to suddenly not be part of a couple.

I'm glad you find this forum helpful and hopefully I'll get something out of it too.

Hugs to you

K

Hi Kirsty

My heart goes out to you. I was lucky I had just under 50 years of love. 

Not being part of a couple was one of the hardest things to accept and to be honest I went to a few meet ups and felt so isolated I had to leave after a very short time. People were very kind but I just couldn't cope with it.

I'm not sure age makes a difference in how we grieve, but it will make a massive difference in the future as you come to terms with the loss. I am 3 years into this as at Oct 2019. I have moved on with my life now. It is a different life, and I am a different person. I will never forget Sandy, neither would I want to. Maybe a bit of counselling would help, its not for everyone, it helped me enormously and not sure where I would be today without having done it.  As you can gather I am in the twilight of my life, where you have many years in front of you. 

I wish you all the love and care for your future. Love lives for ever, but in life we go down many different roads. Your journey has now taken you onto a different path and at some point it will get easier.

Virtual Hugs

Brian

Dear Kirsty

How awful to lose your partner at such a young age, nothing anyone can say will make you feel better but lots of us on this forum are thinking of you. I had almost 40 years with John but really as someone else has said, time and age aren't really relevant, the overwhelming grief and emptiness is the same. I'm 3 months on, and I keep busy, but every day is a struggle isn't it? My daughter has just gone home after being here for 4 days and I went out to have my nails done as a distraction, but at some point you have to come back to the empty house. Sorry, not very helpful I know, but there aren't really any words.

Anne x

Hi Kirsty,

I’ve just read your post and I want to tell you that you are right, it is total rubbish that we had to lose our soul mates, it would be crazy to expect us to feel any other way than broken, lost, lonely, afraid, helpless. How could we not feel like this? I would also feel disrespectful of my partner’s love for me if i didn’t feel like this, I want to talk about him and how bloody unfair it is that the universe just took his life away from him when he had no intention of dying, or stopping or giving up. It is wrong, unfair, unjust and hideous. 

I lost my partner Mark 51 days ago, just over 7 weeks. He got 40 days from diagnosis to death. He was 43 years old and we’d been together for nearly 11 years. There was no time to process what was happening and I still don’t believe it. 

It’s so important for us to have an outlet to talk about our loss, our pain, our frustration, our sadness and our anger. Other people will get back to real life and that hurts, but here we know. So talk to us, rant, vent, be sad, tell us about your love, it is all real here.

Fiona x

Hi Kirsty 

Came across your post completely by accident but couldn't pass on without commenting.

So sorry for your loss.  Life is crap on occasions and you have every right to scream and shout and cry.  The most important thing is to find someone you can spend time with.  Another is to find someone that understands and these are preferably different people so that you there's very different relationships and you're not spending every wakeing minute thinking of the past and what could have been.  Your local Macmillan or other support areas such as Nenna Kind can help.

I had just hit 30 and my husband left me for someone else.  By some sort of luck or fete if you believe in it I bumped into an old friend that I hadn't seen since leaving primary school.  Her partner was working abroad to earn money for their wedding and died whilst out there from an undiagnosed heart condition and she'd had a nightmare.  For very different reasons we both found ourselves alone and completely lost and we helped each other tremendously.  We openly discussed our different situations.  I remember saying to her one day I don't know how you're coping having lost him.  She said to me I don't know how you're coping knowing he's still alive and with someone else.  She felt that whilst we had both lost our partners hers had died but she knew he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  That's something you have to hang on to and be gentle with yourself. Cry, scream and shout whenever you want and even better if you can do it with someone that understands.  You'll hear all the normal statements and that's cos people don't know how to respond.  My friend went on to find happiness but all in her own time and that's what you have to give yourself.  Sending massive hugs.

Hi Brian,

You are definitely lucky to have had 50 years but I can't imagine it makes things easier. I'm very sorry for your loss and I'm glad you are managing to move forward. I am keen for counselling, just haven't had any joy in getting any.

Thank you for your kind words x

K

Hi Anne,

Every day is definitely a struggle. I too have just been finding ways to distract myself but I find no matter how good a day I've had it always sinks in again at night. There really are no words but I appreciate your message x

K