Struggling

I wish I knew my wife would want me to hang on in there just a little sign would be heaven

Hi Mark

i’m struggling today, it’s six weeks to the day that I lost my own Mark, I know I am still running away from letting the thought into my head that he’s not coming back, I totally get where you are coming from with just trying to get through the day. I can’t imagine it ever getting better, how could it if he isn’t coming back?? My house seems totally empty of any personality or warmth since he’s gone, I can’t believe how bad the loneliness gets and then the anxiety and panic sets in that this is it, forever. 

Not looking forward to another empty evening and another long sleepless night :-( 

Hope work goes ok for you this afternoon and evening.

Hi Orlybird I am so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you feel . Everything feels so empty, where there used to be noise around the house now there is nothing . Everywhere you look you see reminders of your loved one. I just had a couple of chicken nuggets for tea went to wash the plate and burst out crying. My home just seems like a building now a house not a home. Like you I never new loneliness could be so sole destroying. It’s 3 weeks Monday since my wife passed away but it seems like 3 years, I keep thinking she will walk in the door. But that’s not going to happen. I hope we can all get through this pain somehow.

Another empty evening ahead .

 Mike 

Hi Mark 

I've been reading your posts along with their  lovely responses. I'm just 3 weeks into losing Anne my gorgeous wife of 50yrs. Like you my house is empty without my loved one: my soul mate.. I now call it a soulless environment. I now sit in Anne's chair so I don't have to sit in mine and see hers empty. I've moved a few bits of furniture around including my old chair to  try and create a new environment that doesn't remind me constantly of how things used to look and so bring on the melancholy feelings. Apart from that I can empathise fully with your current life philosophy. I  does all seem a little pointless at this stage.

Bless you mate. Geoff.

Hi Geoff I have moved furniture round to but just a little trigger starts me off crying again then I am down again  hope you feel a little better soon 

Thanks Newb

Take care now. You have many friends on our site, and  now including me.

Geoff

Oh Mike I know exactly what you mean. It’s like living in a nightmare. It’s just going through the motions and barely existing. I want to have a conversation about whose turn it is to let the dog out or whether we want to watch the soaps or something from the sky planner. I want him to ask me if I fancy a glass of wine. I can’t believe how alone I am. I’m going to take the dog for a walk just to get away from my sad thoughts :-(  

Hope you get through the evening ok 

Fiona

Hi Orlybird

I'm at work now and feel just as bad as yesterday. Could break down at any moment. My heart goes out to you duck. The emotional shock you are suffering is awful and way you feel now is exactly the same way I feel, right now even though I'm 6 months in. 

We are speaking with one voice, saying the exact same words. I'm in bit's most of the time when posting or replying to everyone in the group. 

Sharing all our pain and feelings on here is the closest thing to hope and I've only joined the group a week ago. 

Hi Mike 

Sharing your pain and orlybirds pain and everyone's speaking with one voice, feeling identical thoughts and emotions. It's as if we are all stood in one room together. 

Here's clinging to hope 

Hi All,

Mark I found taken sleeping pills or anything like that even night Nurse made me even more tired and so motionless. 

Sorry I have not been on for a few days I like to catch up with you to see if you are doing ok.

The last couple of days don’t seem so painful if that makes sense. My friends doing this Meduim course type thing channeling into her gift as they say.

She came round to see me last night we were having a coffee and she said wow am I getting my friend back. I asked her what did she mean and she said well you have done your hair and make up I’ve not seen you like that since last year and there is a little smile now and again on your face.

For some reason on Sunday I was reading messages from my man but something was different I wasn’t sobbing I didn’t feel that heart wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I actually was smiling even laughing out load reading some of our texts we both have a great sense of humour. One of the texts at the end said Babe if I go before you il still be right next to you il never ever leave you. He wrote that text even before he knew he was ill I felt strange reading that but got a bit of comfort from it thinking he’s with me. This week I have made a bit of a effort more getting myself back to me doing my hair etc. 

So when my friend turned up she said to me last night do you mind if I play a recording of the workshop I was in the other day with a few meduims . So I said ok they were talking about stuff then one goes I have your friends partner here he’s telling me she’s been so gripped by grief but you will start to see a bit of your friend back she will start doing her hair make up etc. A turning point came we’re she was reading something and so on. So basically I was thinking bloody hell what they was saying I thought omg.

so I’m either feeling a bit at ease hearing that because since he’s gone I am a firm believer there is something after this life  what I don’t know but I do believe our loved ones are around us I feel him all the time. It’s either because I have heard this or that I might be moving into the next step of grieving 

i know a lot of people don’t believe in Meduim stuff but what I have been told so far I have took comfort in it. I’d love to hear from any of our fellow group members that have been on this journey longer if this is a thing that happens don you just seem to wake up one day and you can smile at the old texts instead of sobbing and feel a bit better and thinking of a happy time instead of having total dread and not wanting to be here 

love to you all Jane