Struggling

Hi Anne and all 

We all go through life thinking we know what mental health means. I had no idea, until now. The grief and mental torment we are going through now, has truly opened my eyes.

Never ever did I ever think, that one day I would be worried about my own mental health.

Back to getting through a another day. Thinking of you all. 

Hi Jane I did go to a medium and he did say things that only I would know he told me the loved ones never leave you which did put my mind at rest for a while but only time can heal I think so I will have to be patient hope all goes well for you

Losing someone who was the love of your life, the rock who cemented you together, and made you a complete person is just so hard to come to terms with.

I lost Sandy in October 2016 and the first 6 months were dreadful. I was lucky as joined a bereavement group and that helped me make sense of what was happening to me. You are so right as learning to live and adapt to being alone is a major step in reducing that hollow and empty feeling that goes with the despair of not having that person to turn and discuss things with. Sitting alone in a room is so different when one knows there is nobody else around the house, just you.

There is a bright light for the future. You alone can take that first step. Many people can help with advice, love, good wishes BUT the step forward can only be taken by you.

I realised, with counselling, that I could sit feeling sorry for myself, or take the step into the unknown. I had to change my life so looked around and  went to a Ceroc Dance Class. Boy was that hard. Looking back now that was the best decision I have ever made since Sandy passed on. 

Its 3 years in Ocotober. Do I feel different YES. Have I forgotten Sandy NO. My feelings for her will never change, but I have and am a totally different person to when we were married. You cannot turn back time or live in the past. Trying is destructive. 

Look forward, try counselling if you can join a group even better. I still hate being alone but accept that's the way it is.  The grief has diminished and I think back over the good times we shared. Now I have new friends and dancing has become a major force in my life. To me it has 3 massive benefits. Sociability, Fitness & Mental Agility. 

I wish you all the best on your journey. There are many stages you will go through but it does get easier, providing you help yourself.

I would love to have Sandy back with me. That is impossible, and she would want me to be happy and get on with life. I have done that. Its totally different but the alternative is not to live just exist.

Best Wishes

Brian  

What an inspiring post Brian. So there is hope for the future it seems. THANK YOU SIR 

Geoff 

Thank you for your post Brian. It really helped. I was having a really bad day today, no obvious reason, couldn't stop crying. Decided to do some housework, which has been somewhat neglected lately, keeping busy does help I find. Then I came and read your post and I feel much better now. I'm only 3 months down the road since losing John so I can't really imagine the rest of my life without him, but it helps to know there might be light at the end of the tunnel at some point.

Anne x

Hi Fiona 

I've just posted on Facebook, that I've turned my oven on and stuck some chips /Aldi cottage pie /fish in bread crumbs in. Only the 4t time I've had the oven on since Jayne died. It'll be awful eating at the table alone. I'm no cook but at least I've done it. Posting on Facebook had me in floods of tears. The slightest thought can set you off can't it. 

Mark 

Hi Mark,

it’s like the universe just wants to keep kicking you in the face isn’t it? Today is the day that we would normally be heading off on our family holiday to Spain for 2 weeks. Mark loved Spain, he was really able to switch off from work there and he loved how laid back we could be. We had three daughters between us and they all came with us. I don’t think i’ll ever be able to go to Spain again. I’ve never been there without him. I don’t know what to do with myself at all. It’s just such a big gaping limbo isn’t it?

Fiona

Hi Fiona 

It is duck, a gaping hole we can't begin to think about filling yet. So I don't for now, just trying to get through each day. I'm off to work a 2pm and will spend my 8 hour shift woundering what state I'll be in when I come home at 10pm into the empty house. Highly likely the tears will flow. I'm sure we are all tired of having sore eyes through to many tears shed.

Here's clinging to hope duck. 

Hi . Mark ,Fiona and all . Just had my sister in law and her son and his girlfriend around. They sat there and talked to themselves for half an hour and when she did speak to me it was about the time her and her husband went to a hotel for their anniversary and got a free bottle of champagne. Not really what I wanted to hear . When they left I just went to bed and broke down. Now up again sitting in an empty house. I didn’t think we had so many tears in us. Like you say Mark,

Here,s clinging to hope. Mike 

Hi Mike

it’s so hard to listen to people just being normal isn’t it? I feel like shouting at them that they should only be talking about my Mark, how dare they smile and laugh and talk about their own lives when Mark’s is over and mine is in tatters?? But the truth is that before this happened I also didn’t know what a horrendous lonely and empty place this is.  People just have no clue how to react or what to say to make it better. If I had been trying to comfort someone who’d lost their partner before I lost Mark I also would probably have said something inadvertently upsetting. It’s so hard. I’m so sorry their visit upset you. I’m sure they’d love to have gone away thinking they had helped but I honestly don’t think anything can help us yet. It’s too soon. We loved so well that the grief journey will surely take us a long time. We’ll just have to help each other through the bad minutes and hours. I’ll be taking the dog out for a long walk again soon just to pass some time. I’m not working this weekend and literally dreading trying to fill the time. 

I need that hope to cling to too.

Fiona