Struggling

Hi Fiona

I don't have any other family really. A brother who lives some distance away, he came to the funeral and we exchange the odd message but we're not close. I've spoken to John's sister on the phone a couple of times and although we've never been particularly close, she was quite supportive, she may come to visit but she's a very busy person. Other than that, no family at all, both my parents and Johns' have died some time ago. I have started to go to a counsellor, have had one meeting with her so far and I didn't find it very helpful, didn't really take to her, but I'll persevere. 

I know what you mean about being chatty and avoiding being sad. A very good friend and her husband have been so good to me, having me to stay, coming to see me, they knew John very well but they don't really talk about him. When I see them they organise wall to wall activities on the basis I suppose that as long as I'm busy and active I'll feel better. Keeping busy does work to a certain degree, but like you, I want to be able to talk about John and I want people who knew him to talk about him too. I feel quite exhausted after a weekend with them! I went to stay with another friend last week who lost her husband 3 years ago, the four of us were very good friends and we talked about our late husbands, laughed a bit, cried a bit, and that was really good. Even though our experiences of losing our partners are all different, you can only really have that connection with someone who has suffered that loss. People don't understand. They say they do, and then it turns out they've lost parents - and that's awful of course, I've lost both my parents, but it's not the same as losing a partner. I even had someone say to me 'I know just how you feel' and it turned out she'd never lost a partner but has been divorced three times, and all her former husbands are still alive! Different sort of loss.

I hope you have a good weekend Fiona. I'm just heading out to a craft fair in the village, just to get me out really.

Anne x

Hi Anne, 

I hope the craft fair distracts you for a bit, i’m going to cut the grass for the same reason. Catch up with you later.

Fiona x

Hi Fiona, 

I don't know what i am doing wrong but cannot find your message. I am not very good online. 

Wanted to read your reply again. 

When i read you respond, i felt someone has already written my story. It felt unreal how your story is so identical to mine. My husband of 60 was a hard working man. Never drunk alcohol and was extremely active. We only ate ate homemade food cooked from fresh. I always believed i was doing the best for our health. He had a very mild heart attack at his late 30th. I was always worried about a next one. Then it turned out to be something completely different and i cannot stop asking myself why i did not notice anything. My husband went to the hospital from work and when he was asked to stay, he said, he cannot, he has to go back to work. First they told us, it was a a muscle strain, then a virus attached to his liver. I remember how relieved he was saying the good news is its not a cancer. Then after he had the biopsy, his condition has worsen. When they told us the dreadful news, we just set on the side of his hospital bed. A Macmillan nurse visited us and we told her that we wanted to get married this year. They arranged everything for us within a couple of days and we got married in the hospital Chapel on 9th July 2019. Our marriage only last 12 days. After he was dischardeg on the 12th July, i tried to cook his favourite meals but his apetite had gone down at incredible speed. Had to get him milk shakes. We had so much plans together as we only bought a house together 11 months ago. Took on an allotment, and our plan was to retire together and move to a little quiet place away from the busy environment.

We need to cope and move on. People say give it time. Time heels. I'd like to fall asleep and wake up when that time is over.

Andrea

Hi Andrea I am so sorry for your loss, your story is so sad , only married for 12 days . It is very very hard to comprehend that our loved ones are gone and not coming back. My wife Winnie passed away on 15 July. 3 weeks Monday and haven’t stopped crying since. It is fantastic that you got married before he passed away, hopefully it will give you a small bit of comfort. We had retired about a year ago and like you had so many plans, but they were all snatched away. Life can be so cruel. I know the pain, suffering and loneliness you are going through and my hart goes out to you. 

Mike 

Hi Andrea a very sad story i feel very sorry for you I feel like it's all a dream still I hope the pain eases up for you soon but like most of us it feels like hell at moment

Hi Newb . This is one hell of a long weekend . Went for a bit of a walk this afternoon then just sat in the sitting room the rest of the time crying and thinking what life should be like. But it just makes it worse . There is no point in saying I’ll be glad when weekend over , because then you start all over again for the next week. Hope you had a better weekend.

 Mike 

Hi Mike grand kids came and my son but just not the same cleaned the car and dogs for a walk all seems like a dream well nightmare really but then after weekend it's weekdays

Hi Mike, 

Crying is OK. Don't feel bad about it. We all cry. 

I tided up our garden today. We used to do it together. We got tomatoes in the green house. He couldn't wait for picking our own tomatoes.

I went to see a Macmillan nurse earlier who looked after my husband in hospital. We had a nice chat. I am back home now. The house feels empty. The rain is pooring down. Don't feel like i want to do anything.Normally we would have a nice dinner and we would be watching tv or going out for walk on a sunny day. 

I still can't believe he's gone. Still waiting for him to come back. 

Andrea

Hi Mike and Adrea

I've been reading your posts and can empathise with all you say. I've abandoned our veg plot. Just not interested. Anne loved fresh veg from the garden but now she's not here the whole exercise is totally pointless. The tomato plants are running ragged as I've not pinched them out. The courgetes Ive left for the hedgehogs or what ever else wants them. Finally Anne's favourite French climbing beans are full of pods but they can stay there and run to seed. In the autumn I'm grassing  the whole lot over. The end of another area. I went to the supermarket today and as I was pushing the trolly round I found myself looking for Anne. I suddenly felt lonely and vulnerable. Had to bite my lip and take deep breaths at the checkout  to prevent myself crying or having a panic attack. It was dreadful. Before when shopping on my own I seemed to be doing all right but the novelty - for want of a better word- has worn off and its become all samey like it used to be. But I had my lovely Anne with me then so the sameness was normal. I can see this getting much worse before it gets better. I find myself wishing I could die in my sleep and join my darling because I'm leading a pointless existance at the moment. I'm aware that both our children might want me, but they don't need me so they would survive.They and the neighbours have given me magnificent support and when I'm in their company I feel and act fine. But once left on my own in our souless house the futility of it all hits me badly. The TV has started to annoy me now. I can't concentrate on reading a book so I sit in silence on the computer or just sit staring out the window whilst sipping pints of beer.

Bless.  Geoff

Hi Geoff I to keep wishing I could pass away in my sleep just to be with my wife mornings are terrible really down takes all day to pull myself together