Struggling

Hi Mike it is hard they can never feel the pain like we are going through and I hope they never do it's very hard to sit through a conversation hope you pulled through it eventually my sympathy 

Thanks NewB. It’s true they don’t know what we are going through. Hope you had some kind of a good day. I know sorry that’s a stupid thing to say. It’s a bank holiday weekend where I am and I’ll be glad when it’s over .

 Mike 

Hi Fiona. It’s true what you say they don’t know the pain and loneliness we are going through and they probably meant well .Its just me feeling sorry for my self. There life goes on and ours has stood still it’s something we have to put up with, it is only the likes of you and NewB and Mark and everyone else on here can understand what we are going through. Like I said to NewB it’s a bank holiday weekend here and am not looking forward to it . I hope you had a good walk with your dog . The weekend will soon pass ,I hope 

Mike.

Hi Mike & all 

I know the feeling and it's more difficult to deal with when it's family being insensitive. I tell myself they don't understand, but I try and let it go. But it can feel difficult to let it go at time's.

We've all got buckets more tears to come yet Mike. Becoming expert at it. I'll be letting more out when I go home from work at 10pm.

One day at a time and keep clinging on to hope. 

Hi all got grandkids and son here today u enjoy then being here but never fully happy still feel in in a different place to them nice to see. But relief when they go home is that odd or normal?

Hi Newb

No its not odd as I had same problems. One thing I did learn though is that they were also hurting inside for the loss of their dad/grandad. Its a different type of grief but is also intense and they may want to talk about it to you sometime. Be careful not to shut them out. I nearly did as thought I wanted my own space. It was a mistake, but we did eventually talk and it was wonderful to understand how much they had loved and missed Sandy. 

Hi Mike,

it made me sad to see you say “it’s just me feeling sorry for myself”, that’s not true at all, this is not self-indulgence or something we can just get over, it’s pure grief. Our lives have been smashed to pieces and our hearts are in smithereens, we are feeling emotions and fears and sadness that we should never have to feel. Please don’t just dismiss how you are feeling as self pity, we know exactly the horrible place you are in and it is completely real and valid.

Totally unconnected, when you say it’s a bank holiday weekend, are you in Ireland? I’m from Dublin originally and later moved to Meath, my family are all still in and around Dublin. I’ve found the English way of grieving to be a lot more formal and I’m struggling a bit with how people don’t talk much about how they are feeling. I find it comforting to talk to my family as they are much more expressive.

hope the weekend passes ok for you Mike, if you need us you know where we are,

Fiona x

Hi Fiona. That is good advice you gave NewB , not just for NewB but for me also. When my son comes home some weekend s it is great to see him but in a strange way I am glad to see him go so I can be on my own again . I know deep down that is the wrong way to be , so I will have to change that. 

Yes i I am from the uk , my wife is Irish we lived near Reading for 25 years then moved back to  Ireland a couple of years ago. We live in west cork. The people here are more relaxed about death. And tend to talk about it more openly.  The weather here today is wet grey and gloomy. Which suits my mood. I hope you are getting through the weekend ok ,it does seem to be the longest part of the week.

take care and look after yourself.

 Mike 

My son and daughter don't really want to talk about their Dad, and nearly 3 months on, they still can't cope with my grief, they don't want to know when I'm having a particularly difficult day. To a certain extent it's 'out of sight, out of mind'. They do come to see me, but they've said they find it difficult being here without him, and I do feel a certain relief when they go home, as I'm sure they do too. I know they're grieving too for their lovely Dad, who was the best husband and father, but they're getting on with their busy and active lives, while I just feel that mine ended when my best friend and soulmate of nearly 40 years died.  I felt their lack of emotional support hugely after I visited someone last week who lost her husband a year ago and she went on about how wonderful her children have been, always available on the phone and asking her to visit, go on holiday with them........I don't want to take over my children's lives to that extent but I do feel they've pretty much abandoned me, and when they do phone or visit it's because they feel they should rather than because they want to. I hope that in time this might bring us closer but I'm finding it very difficult at the moment. I have no other family and not a lot of friends, as we had only been living here 4 years when John died. He was quite a shy man and not greatly into socialising, we were happy just to have each other, especially once we knew he didn't have much time left.

Sorry for the rant, but it does help to post on here and I know you all understand and we grieve together for our loved ones.

Anne x

Hi Anneh1981,

it’s funny how none of us could have ever predicted how anyone would react in this situation isn’t it? I would have imagined that my partner’s parents and I would have felt Mark’s loss similarly and would have been helping each other through this awful time but they are grieving so completely differently to me that it’s difficult for me to spend a lot of time with them. 

They are coping by carrying on as normally as they can, it’s all chatty and avoiding sadness and telling funny stories about what the neighbours said and I just can’t cope with that. I want to talk about Mark, i want to hear about Mark, i want to be sad when i feel sad, i want to feel like we are all missing him and his life has been lost and we are hurting because of that. We are all so different aren’t we? 

Is there any other family that you can get in contact with? I’ve been surprised by one of Mark’s cousins who has been so kind and visits and messages often to see that I’m ok, she is missing him too and likes to talk about him. It might surprise you that someone you didn’t immediately think of would like to come and see you and chat? 

It’s true that people who have been through this same awful experience understand it best, it’s never a rant, just a way to express your grief.

Fiona x