Very quiet

I agree, no posts at all.  Hope you are ok.  I check in every day, but nothing. Take care of you. Xx

Yes, I am not too bad, I guess. Able to function fine as long as I focus on the present and not the past or future. Hope you are doing OK.

Hi. Been a long time since I posted here. It is almost a year since Paul died and while life will never be as I want it,  things are not too bad.

Six months ago I joined a newly formed bearement group. About 10 people usually come. We all agree that during the week we find things to do but weekends are very different. Without our partners it's difficult . We don't want to intrude with our friends who still have their partners  and I find that because my children live reasonably close my friends think I am okay for company. Yes I see my boys but I can't expect nor want to be with them every weekend. 

I try to have something to do even if it is a walk round the local boot sale and coffee afterwards at the pub reading their newspapers can easily take up a morning.

This Sunday I have offered to cook my bereavement group a Sunday roast. Something we all seem to miss. Haven't cooked one for one for at least 18months! Hopefully we can arrange more social things to do between us.  Having a partner meant that there was always someone to do things with. Now I have to make an effort to find someone.

i miss having someone there to chat with even if only amounted to " do you want a cup of tea?" Or " what do you fancy to eat?" 

Perhaps this is often a time when people find themselves joining a church. If only for the company.

thinking of you all.  We will all get there in the end.

kathy x

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since I posted.

I am not too bad. As long as I focus on the present moment and do not think too much about the past or about the future I am doing really well.

Work keeps me busy. And I am really enjoying my work. I still want to work in a hospital setting, and I am trying to find a way in, but I have also found that I get very frustrated if I let this become my main focus because in the here and now I am not working in a hospital and I have to put my effort into what is now.

Outside of work I am busy socialising. I am meeting up with friends and organise Meet Ups. I am part of a walking and a running group and a group called "Social Life Dublin" where people go out together doing different things and I am the organiser of the group Widdowed And Young and will have to organise my first Meet Up soon.

I bought a smooty-maker in May and have been making smooties every single day for myself. I really enjoy it: both the preparation work that goes into it which is to me like a loving act towards myself but then also drinking the smooty and actually feeling better for it. I have also started taking some protein powder and some vitamin D.

I miss the love of my life of course. I miss his companionship every day. And life is certainly very different now from what it used to be and from what I ever wanted it to be. But it is still a good life.

I hope everyone else is doing okay. Cathy's post reminded me that there are actually a number of people who haven't posted for a long time. It would be lovely to hear from them too.

Love, Mel.

Hi everyone 

I have recently made a conscious decision not to post so much, i know that most people post less as time goes on & I’m just so aware of all the new people that have joined us since I joined the group but I’ve still been reading all the posts. 

I think the weekends are def the hardest, I helped a friend move this weekend which kept me busy. Normally though I find it can seem a huge effort to be busy on both days, it often feels like ground hog day just doing all the day to day jobs that come with being a mum & running a home. I’m glad my children are gradually beginning to go out more with their friends & have some fun, they so desperately need to do normal carefree things.  As for me, well I’m working (part time) & I do meet up with friends, normally one at a time or a small group, which I enjoy but I admit I’m not really doing so well as some of you at trying new things- I just haven’t got the energy or the enthusiasm back yet. 

This sounds a bit flat this post & it wasn’t my intention. I think I’d just like to feel excited or look forward to something for a change & not just like I’m going through the motions. It will take time I guess. We all seem to manage best when we just take it day at a time... 

love to all, hope today’s been a good one for you

Sarah xx

Hello Kathy. I subscribed to this group a couple of weeks ago but I haven't had updates for a while so just dropped in to see if there were any new postings. Don't  Iknow  lostwhy I'm not getting updates. My husband John to prostate cancer just over 6 weeks ago so as 6ou can imagine I'm struggling. Not much of a support network as we'd only been here 4 years and John was diagnosed 2.5 years ago with incurable cancer, so we just never had much of a chance to join things, just wanted to be together while we could. I do belong to a church but while there are some lovely people there, generally it's not that helpful. John went to church with me sometimes, he didn't consider himself to be a Christian, but he was the nicest, kindest man, certainly a much better person than many 'Christians' I've known.

Every day is a challenge. Some days are just unbearable. I try to focus on positive things and the lovely memories of our 38 years together, but John was only 65 and I feel cheated. People tell me it will get better but it's very early days.

Anne

Hi Anne

I too lost my husband six weeks ago today, he was diagnosed  with Mesothelioma in Feb 2018 so for the past 15 months we were trying to beat it with an operation and chemo but it beat us in the end. I did have him at home when he passed away so was with him at the end I did think It would be a comfort to me but as yet I cant find any comfort in anything, each day seems to get harder, I miss him so much it hurts, I miss just having him there to hold and hug and to tell him things, I miss holding his hand and his wonderful smile. We had been together for 49 years and he was only 68 when he died, up until this cancer he was a fit and active person mountain biking and windsurfing, so I feel that this has taken away his retirement as well as mine we had made plans for travel, but I cant do any of these without him.

I do have friends but they cant cope with all my tears, they don't know what to say except that in time I will feel better, I don't think there will ever be a day when I will feel better or a day I won't miss him. Other people who have also lost loved ones tell me they know how I feel, but they don't, they only know how they feel and its not the same for anyone.

There are days I wonder why I even get up, just to spend a day in tears and then go back to bed and not sleep. Life is cruel, I don't think my reply will be of any help to you because all words mean nothing, but I hope you can accept love and hugs,

Barb x

Morning, Mel, and everyone.

I haven't been here for some months either.  Needed a break and to recharge my online batteries, as it were.  Decided to have a look this morning and there was your lovely, encouraging post, Mel, so here I am too.  A catch up?  Here goes.....

l've  been on this road for thirteen years now and, apart from the usual stuff that life throws everyone, I'm ok and generally happy and have a very full life.  That's not to say that I still don't get times when I miss my husband so much it hurts but I have learned to accept that that is how it is and the storm passes soon enough.  He'll always have a special place in my heart.

I'm busy with lots of things.  Still volunteering with Macmillan but also on the committee of our local community centre and helping to run a regular coffee morning there for mums and little ones.  Singing with three choirs (not all at once! ) and involved in a handicrafts group.  I had a brush with a basal cell carcinoma in January, but as my dr said, 'it's not the burrowing kind' and it's been removed and I've had a skin graft which hardly shows at all.  I've always wanted a smaller nose!  It's likely that I'll get more - my surgeon has had three himself - but we'll cross that bridge if and when we get to it. 

Looking through the mails here I see the sadness, raw grief and desperation continues as new members are added......and also the courage, determination and kindness which has always shone through here.  To those of you are new and hurting so much I'd say this: take hope from those of us further down the line.  You will not always feel as raw as you do now, but for just for now take one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  Your grief is yours.....however you are handling it is right for you. Don't let that imposter called 'guilt' tell you that you are not coping or should be feeling differently.  

Enough from me, for now at least.  I send my love and encouragement to all of you here, whether 'old hands' or newcomers. 

Sandy. 

Hi Barb

No, it isn't  the same for everyone but I can identify with so much that you say. Like having him there to talk to and to hug. For the last 10 days or so, when John was in a hospice, he was so frail and delicate that he winced even when I just held his hand. He was always so affectionate and it was really upsetting not to be able to hold him and be close to him. Even more upsetting remembering occasions in tbe past when he wanted a hug and I was too busy doing something, like cooking dinner or hoovering the lounge! 

Do you  have family close by? I have a son and a daughter but they don't live nearby. They've been very supportive and were here a lot in the weeks before John died, and we were all with at the end. But now the funeral's over life goes on for them, my son's recently married and while they both say 'just phone us Mum', I can't keep bothering them all the time. Like you, I cry a lot - I've always been very emotional and it's so much worse now! - and my son in particular finds it hard to deal with. Some people - who haven't lost partners and can have little idea of what it's like - tell me to 'keep busy', 'do volunteering work', and even 'go on holiday', like I should be getting over it by now! Like you, I can't  imagine the pain ever easing, can't imagine waking up in the morning looking forward to the day. But there are some poss on here that give hope, pole who are further down the line than we are and who are beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. We have to hold on to that hope but we know life will never be the same again.

Love and hugs to you too.

Anne x

Nice to see you back Sandy.  I for one wondered where you had got to although I know you were thinking of distancing yourself.   I think your  presence in this group will be beneficial. Sorry you have had your own health worries and glad they have been resolved. Love Dolly.