Very quiet

Thank you, Dolly!   I needed the break, I think, but I've recently been to the Macmillan Volunteers conference, which was two days of inspiration, learning and utter madness, and I felt after it all that it might be time to return.  Thank you for your kindness as regards my own recent problem, but it is just one of those things and not a cause for any great alarm.  Wasn't ever painful either, even after the op, so I'm fine.  Hope you are doing ok. Xxx

Hi my husband nigel passed on 19/12/17, we'd been married for 35 years and have 2 children, louise now 36 and Jonathan now almost 22. Nigel lived only 6 weeks from first symptom.

I recall being 6 weeks down the road on this journey. Feeling as though I didn't know who I was anymore, not wanting to be referred to as widow, not knowing how to refer to myself or nigel.. I still felt married and part of a couple. The reality was very different, I no longer had that special person on my corner, the person who I could tell everything and who would make things right. I'd want to tell nigel how I felt and for him to tell me all was ok and then I'd realise he was the reason I felt as I did. I felt angry at nigel for leaving us. Why? He didn't chose to leave. I felt Bitter that my life changed so.

I felt angry at Nigel's family who dissapointed me with their selfishness and with those who expected it was time I got on with life..after all it was 6 weeks since nigel left. Instead I was counting the sleeps.. dreading facing a new day. Wishing the day to pass.

We had our first Christmas whilst nigel lay in chapel of rest. Oh  how he loved Christmas.. he'd been planning on a turkey crown. We weren't going to celebrate Christmas, not even make Christmas dinner, then we decided nigel would want us to. We laid a place for nigel at the table putting the glass he last drank from and the tangerines he'd asked for on his placemat. Daft but comforting.

Afterwards we sat in the dark outside the chapel of rest and chatted to and about nigel. Nigel's funeral was on 30th December. Our first New year came in, then my birthday on 16/01, then first valentine, followed by Nigel's birthday on 26/03 and Easter and all the other firsts. Each day you wake up is a first and although you may not realise, or even want to accept, each new day leaves you stronger and bit by bit you begin to find you.

A year and a half on, nigel is every bit a part of my life as he was when he was here. I miss him dreadfully, I still walk in and think I'll tell nigel, so I do. I still talk to him, I still ask him why, I still ask him to guide me and our children and I still look for signs he's around. I still feel married and part of a couple and I think I probably always will.

life is different and if I said it's an easy journey then  I would be lying. You will find strength to wake up each day and you will be boned along in your grief and you don't one day wake up and step out of that grief but you do learn to accept and be at peace, but that doesn't mean you don't long for your life, but it means that you treasure your life more and felt you owe it to your loved one not to waste your life worrying about what people think or saving for tomorrow. You realise how short and fragile life is and what is important.

im still on the same journey as you, I'm just that little further down the road..

Hi everyone,

The past few days have again been very quiet here. And I hope it just means that everyone is busy and doing okay. Sending a big virtual hug to everyone.

I was so glad to see many back here in this thread I hadn't heard from for a long time including Sandy and Nettie27. I missed you both.

I am okay I guess. Sometimes sad, sometimes not, but over all good. It was our fourth wedding anniversary on 1st July and I didn't know how I would feel on the day; but it was actually okay and my thoughts simply were "Aaaah our time was so short" but it didn't upset me. Yes, I think I have definitely come to a lot more acceptance over the last couple of months and particularly last weeks. There is one thing which bothers me but I will talk to you all about it and ask your opinion/advice in a separate message.

Last week, work became busy again and I am glad about that because I love my work and I love keeping busy.

I did an Aroma Touch workshop last Saturday. I had done it previously but wanted to refresh my skills. Aroma Touch is a massage with essential oils from do TERRA.

I had a very busy weekend socialising as well. I went out on Saturday evening after my course with a friend and met another friend for a long walk followed by coffee on Sunday. Yesterday I had the day off and met with a friend of mine who is a primary school teacher and now she is on her holidays and has a lot more time so we made good use of that.

Last week, St. Luke's Hospital finally got back to me. The Director of Nursing wrote an email to me as if she had only just heard about me, completely ignoring the fact that I had already sent her about 20 emails previously. Anyway, she thanked me for my email and the paper on Reiki I had attached as well as the link to an article on Reiki in US hospitals. She wrote that at present there are no plans to incorperate Reiki at St. Luke's Hospital but that, if this becomes an option in the future, she would be happy about any advice. I wrote back to her, "Assuming that Reiki will be incorperated at SLH, I would be delighted to give advice but also develop a treatmen plan for patients and in fact be the complementary therapist offering the treatments, initially on a voluntary basis." So we will see what happens. Also, one of the private hospitals in Dublin got back to me and said that they would be considering the service and would be in touch soon. So something seems to happen.

I have also decided to go on the next available course offered by Living Well Dying Well in the UK to become a what they call End Of Life Doula or End Of Life Companion. I know a number of nurses who have already completed this course with the view to bring it into the Irish healthcare system.

Love and hugs to everyone

Mel.

Hi Mel,

Well done  you going on this course, glad you had a ok weekend. I think people go a bit quite on here probably due to the fact we are all feeling the same. I feel sometimes when I read a thread I’m like oh no they are suffering so bad so I think I am offering support when I comment back to them. But a few days later when I reread it. I feel like I have just gone on about me and how I am feeling then I feel awful thinking God I thought I was offering support but all I have done is go on about me and my emotions then I’m like oh I’ve just dumped all my feelings into that poor person who’s already suffering just like me. I could be wrong in thinking that I try to put it across I know how they are feeling and I think that’s what I am doing until I reread a few days later and I’m like I’m not offering support I’m just saying how bad I feel x

higs to all Jane x

Hi, Jane, 

I get what you mean totally!  However, there might be another angle to see this from, perhaps.  This journey we all share is a terribly lonely one.  What has happened shakes us to our foundations and often it feels we don't have any foundations.....  There's no one we can share with because we don't want to upset them.....but often there's a deeper thing here.  If we really say the things racing through our minds will the people we share with think we're being inappropriate?  Crazy? Disrespectful?  Any number of things.  I remember a very inappropriate moment after my husband died where my son and I couldn't look at each other as we both tried not to giggle.  Shock and adrenalin, I suppose. 

But here? No.  We all get it.  Non judgemental.  Often very glad someone said it because that's just what we didn't dare share.  Reading it makes us feel 'normal' (whatever that means within our own family here!).    And sometimes, once we've written it down or maybe said it to a counsellor, we realise whether it is a reasonable and fair thing to think/say or whether it is what psychologist Claire Weekes called, 'a stray thought in a tired mind'.  Oh I had LOTS of those! 

So, Jane, I don't think you should worry.  Share away....it helps others to know that this is what it's like and they are not losing it.  I wish that there had been something like this 13 years ago.....or perhaps I just didn't know about it.  It would have helped me so much to understand what I was feeling.  Keep posting, keep sharing.  We are all stronger together. 

Hugs all round, 

Hi Jane,

While I understand what you mean about replies that seem like they are only about us and not about the other person's pain, I do think that there is nothing wrong with that at all. We are all in a very similar situation. And the thing that makes this support group so supportive is that when you post something you always know that lots of people will get back to you and tell you that at some point they have experienced, or perhaps are experiencing right now, the same thing. So when you write about your own feelings in response to somebody else, you are actually helping them because they can then rest asured that they are not alone. So keep posting! :-)

Love, Mel.