First of all, let me apologise if this is the wrong place to post this, however I just need to get this out.
So the the love of thirty years passed away in my arms in November and I have been through every stage of grief, I could imagine and all the rest of the problems that come with losing a loved one, you know the ones I am sure. I have no close friends having had my best friend with me for a life time and I live on a lovely but lonely sometimes Hebridean island.
A couple of months ago, I started talking to a friend of a friend of a friend on line, just every day things, sharing photographs of the areas we live and yes some gentle flirting, made me feel a little alive again, but really nothing out of the ordinary.
a few weeks ago ,she mentioned she was going to visit a friend up in the highlands of Scotland. So last week, I jumped on the ferry and we met , talked, laughed, talked about Adele, whom she is very much alike, not in looks , but in out look to life, kindness, humour, and a gentle smile. I not comparing and never would, she a lovely person in her own right. I held her and hand walked and talked. And for the first time, I smiled on the inside and not the outside that world sees.
And there is the problem. I have returned home and I feel like I have betrayed every memory and every feeling I have ever had , I feel like I did a few months after Adele left me. Lol I have to keep stopping typing this , to let the tears stop so I can see.
So I have started to think up ways of distancing my self.
its to soon, yes,
I am too old, she is 50 and I am 61. Nothing like an old fool. But don,t want anyone to go through what we have been through, it’s feels like causing someone hurt and pain, just so I can get a few years of happiness again. It does not worry her at all.
I live on Scottish island, she lives and works as a Nursing sister in the far South west of England.
I know what Adele would say to me, “ Stop being and Ars* and live, I am not here”, she kept telling me that as she lay fading away in our bed and had her big sister tell me again a few weeks after she died. I had wondered why her big sister had come out with that so soon. But I don,t know if I could love that deeply again, I would like to,
I don,t suppose there is an answer and I am very aware that I have just talked about my own feeling and not about my friend,s , those are very similar, but for the guilt and doubts. She just says a very Adele like thing, it’s me to decide without any outside pressure from anyone, particularly her. And yes it is.
I think I have answered all my own questions writing and re writing the above, nothing like share in your most intimate thoughts and fears with strangers who have shared these things , to make you look back at your self.
I had two full days of feeling alive again, I think that will have to be my lot.
lol now I have spent a hour typing and retyping the above , I now sat with my finger on the post button and the delete button. But I share so you can see how pathetic and delusional I can get.
one last thing , before you think it’s , me, me , me I have said all these thing to my friend, she just smiles and holds my hand.
my heart is filled with so much happiness for you and Claire my warmest wishes to you both I hope Claire has some warm jumpers to bring to Bonnie Scotland 
x
