First of all, let me apologise if this is the wrong place to post this, however I just need to get this out.
So the the love of thirty years passed away in my arms in November and I have been through every stage of grief, I could imagine and all the rest of the problems that come with losing a loved one, you know the ones I am sure. I have no close friends having had my best friend with me for a life time and I live on a lovely but lonely sometimes Hebridean island.
A couple of months ago, I started talking to a friend of a friend of a friend on line, just every day things, sharing photographs of the areas we live and yes some gentle flirting, made me feel a little alive again, but really nothing out of the ordinary.
a few weeks ago ,she mentioned she was going to visit a friend up in the highlands of Scotland. So last week, I jumped on the ferry and we met , talked, laughed, talked about Adele, whom she is very much alike, not in looks , but in out look to life, kindness, humour, and a gentle smile. I not comparing and never would, she a lovely person in her own right. I held her and hand walked and talked. And for the first time, I smiled on the inside and not the outside that world sees.
And there is the problem. I have returned home and I feel like I have betrayed every memory and every feeling I have ever had , I feel like I did a few months after Adele left me. Lol I have to keep stopping typing this , to let the tears stop so I can see.
So I have started to think up ways of distancing my self.
its to soon, yes,
I am too old, she is 50 and I am 61. Nothing like an old fool. But don,t want anyone to go through what we have been through, it’s feels like causing someone hurt and pain, just so I can get a few years of happiness again. It does not worry her at all.
I live on Scottish island, she lives and works as a Nursing sister in the far South west of England.
I know what Adele would say to me, “ Stop being and Ars* and live, I am not here”, she kept telling me that as she lay fading away in our bed and had her big sister tell me again a few weeks after she died. I had wondered why her big sister had come out with that so soon. But I don,t know if I could love that deeply again, I would like to,
I don,t suppose there is an answer and I am very aware that I have just talked about my own feeling and not about my friend,s , those are very similar, but for the guilt and doubts. She just says a very Adele like thing, it’s me to decide without any outside pressure from anyone, particularly her. And yes it is.
I think I have answered all my own questions writing and re writing the above, nothing like share in your most intimate thoughts and fears with strangers who have shared these things , to make you look back at your self.
I had two full days of feeling alive again, I think that will have to be my lot.
lol now I have spent a hour typing and retyping the above , I now sat with my finger on the post button and the delete button. But I share so you can see how pathetic and delusional I can get.
one last thing , before you think it’s , me, me , me I have said all these thing to my friend, she just smiles and holds my hand.
