To soon

Hi lee.

I don’t come on very often anymore just for a read now and again but came across your post and would just like to say. There’s no right or wrong time to start a friendship with someone else, you follow your heart and your head. There isn’t a certain timescale and way that we should adhere to when we walk this path. If this makes you feel happier then you do what’s right for you. You know what your Adele would want for you deep down.... to be happy again. You’re not moving on you are moving forward and Adele will be with you every step of the way. I hope you find happiness again. T xx

Hi Lee and all,

Lee, I am sorry for coming in so late on this one. I have been very busy over the last couple of days but each time I came on here I found your email still sitting in my inbox - I left it there so that I would remember to respond - so here goes.

I lost my husband Paul almost 13 months ago. And, while I am finding it impossible to contemplate a new relationship for myself, I do believe that it is possible that we meet someone with whom the connection is very strong, in a different way strong than the one we had with our previous partner, and I do believe that when there is this connection and we feel alive again and happy in that person's company it is right to embark on that journey with that person. I really think it is very brave of you to allow yourself to feel this way and also to be able to allow yourself to imagine what Adele would say to you if she could say something to you about your current experience. And I also think it is great that you have made Claire right from the start aware of your situation; of your loss; because there may be times when you will still feel sad or maybe wish that you had done things with Adele that you now do with this new lady in your life - and that has to be understood and okay.

Please keep us posted and I would love to hear how it goes and what the next couple of months hold for you.

Love, Mel.

Hello Lee

I lost my husband nearly two years ago now. The pain, as we all know, is difficult to describe. I have coped by building a new life for myself, firstly joining new friendship groups on Meetup, then making the decision to move house (downsizing) to a much larger town with a lot going on. Both these things helped. 

I was so sad and lonely though, despite having lots of wonderful friends (again, we all know what that feels like). So a few months ago I signed up for online dating and met some nice people. Nothing special but how good to get out in the evening or for a walk, and just feel a bit of hope that things could be different. I was very careful and everyone I got to the point of corresponding with or meeting seemed very pleasant and genuine.

More recently, I met a widower with whom I get on really well. He is so different from my husband in many ways, although he has important stuff in common, like being kind and thoughtful and interested in many of the same things as me. I have no doubt that I'm very different from his late wife. We do talk about our partners, me more than him I guess. I've always been a big sharer, haha. It is lovely to feel completely fine about this, even talking about the very sad things, but of course it's very important to build happy new stuff together too. I find it quite difficult to get the balance right with this. My new partner is certainly not my therapist, and I am not his, but with close on thirty years respectively of shared history with our spouses, all that life and love cannot be completely ignored because it makes us who we are.

I have shared all this with my close family and friends, although I haven't expected anyone to meet him unless they want to, as I'm mindful that it could be tricky for them, particularly for my (young adult) children. That said, my kids have been extremely generous in their support, and say that they are glad I've met someone nice. One has met him very briefly and was very worried about it beforehand, but she was very reassured by the reality! Being open like this has helped enormously with feelings of guilt - nobody appears to be judging me, which means I'm less likely to judge myself. But of course it isn't easy. I miss my wonderful, darling husband so badly. But alongside the pain is the pleasure of spending time with someone special and the promise of a happier future. There are certain people I have chosen not to share with on my husband's side as it might cause them pain. However if things get more serious I will do so, and hope that they'll be happy for me.

My take on it is that Plan A is no longer on the table. Plan B is looking like a good option for now, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I am much happier and do not feel bad about saying so. Waves of grief still come and go, but they don't last so long and feel less intense. What a huge relief that is. A widowed friend of mine still has similar feelings ten years after she remarried, and we have agreed that sadness for the future you didn't get with your dead spouse never goes away, even if you end up happily remarried. Our partners will always be right there in our hearts, but as we are discovering, our hearts can expand to love new people while we continue to love those already cherished. 

Perhaps it's simpler that my new friend is also widowed, so he completely understands? But your new friend sounds lovely and wise, and will hopefully understand too even if not from personal experience. I know that my husband wanted his family to be happy above all things. If the boot was on the other foot, you would not want your loved ones to find it impossible to move forward. Note I haven't said 'move on' - we will never forget them.

I hope this helps. It's very hard, and at times the emotional roller coaster is tricky to hang on to! But I reckon it's well worth the effort. The fact that you live so far apart may force you to take things a bit slowly, which may be no bad thing. Good luck to you.

Hello NovemberGirl

Can I just say, I don't know about Lee, but your reply has certainly helped me!

Such a thoughtful and heartfelt response. You spoke to everything that I'm feeling right now. Thank you for posting this.

Bless you

Mike

Hi All,

Today I was sitting having a coffee with a friend. While she was at the counter ordering our coffee and cake . A lonely lady came up to me saying why the sad face. I must of been just starring into space like I always do of late. I found myself explaining to this wonderfully old lady why I was so sad. She just grabbed my hand and said he’s always with you I can feel is presence with you now. She then said you are going to move forward and meet someone similar to him but when your time is up You will be reunited he will be waiting for you. It got me thinking then we’ll if I did meet someone what happens because all I want is to be with my partner when I get up there. I don’t know how true this is but the lady explained we could have a few partners or marriages down here but when we expire (her words) it’s our souls that meet up there and it’s our true soulmate we end up with. I did take comfort in her saying not to worry I will be reunited with him. 

Sorry if this offends anyone in here I don’t mean to. It’s just because I have no intention to meet anyone and yet this little old dear came up saying this to me and it’s really got me a bit emotional because I don’t want to meet anyone then had this enormous fear over me thinking in years to come if I did meet anyone I’d still want to be with my partner when I pass 

Sorry for being so morbid the things that play on our minds sorry again if it offends any 

Jane x 

It’s all a bit uncertain isn’t it.  None of us know if there is an afterlife or how things are there.  In my case my husband was married twice before he married me.  He lost his first wife quite young with two young children 4.5 years and 6.5 years.  He divorced his second wife.  I came into his life after the loss of his first wife as a housekeeper and nanny to the kids (I had one of my own aged 18months).  He then went on to marry his second wife-which didn’t work out. We had a connection quite early when we were thrown together, living as a family, although I was only looking after the kids and the house.  A few years after his divorce we eventually got together and were happily married for 25 years.  He was everything to me and I know he loved me too.  Our three kids are all still close and look after me and I do them.  I can’t imagine having a relationship that close with anyone else and have no desire to do so, but what am I going to find in the afterlife if there is one, although I do feel some affinity (not sure that is the right word) with his first wife.  We both loved him and both loved the children. Xx

Ahh exactly how I feel. We was both married for many years with our previous partner’s we was due to divorce both ironically both our previous partners wouldn’t discuss divorce. Mine through he always thought we’d get back His because she wanted his pension from work according to her she spent 20 yrs  with him and no one was getting his pension. Absolutely disgusting it still kills me writing this. How some people are hell bent on money. I told this to this lovely lady today that’s why she said we can marry so may times down here but our souls connect up there with our soul mate. I know he was mine and I his. His wife soon as  she realised he didn’t have long to live emotionally blacked mailed him saying how are you going to see your kids because I won’t bring them to you. So you tell your kids you love her more then them and you want to spend what time you have left with her and Il have to sell the house because she’s got her claws in you and will stop you paying the mortgage plus we’re is your pension going to go. She knew because  he got diagnosed terminal with work the money go s straight to the staff member she was worried it wasn’t going to go to her so emotionaly blackmailed him over money. I cry of a night she didn’t have to do that id of made sure the money went to there kids. She broke my partners heart. I really hope she can live with herself the stress she put him through for greed. This woman mentioned all this to me today I was blown away she went he knows what she was doing she’s a very self centred person and hes with you always and is waiting for you. She said people move forward and some meet there soul mate but you won’t because he was. not your husband but him and not your future partner. She said if you can honestly go I’d never move on that was my soulmate then they will be waiting. My friend goes to Meduims quite a lot over her Mum. But they always say to her your mum

and Dad are friends up there but your mums with her 3nd husband/ Partner her souls mate. So I guess if that’s true your comment it’s simple really he’s your soulmate you don’t just feel that connection on your own it’s mutual we can all be attractive to someone else  but we know our soulsmates are a total different feeling so I’m sure your hubby will be waiting with open arms for you if there’s a afterlife. You don’t just feel it you both do xxx

big hugs to you I suppose my post was I have been feeling because he didn’t get the chance to divorce her was they going to be together sill.

I know things that go through your head xxx

Dear Leehabs, this is an awful journey we are all on and to find someone who understands enough to bring you such comfort with no strings attached is a rare and lovely thing.   Have you thought that maybe Adele had a hand in putting you and your friend together?

I understand the guilt, God I feel guilty if I enjoy a meal or watch t.v. for a while without the grief running round in my head.  I lost my John at the end of September and have been so lonely.  I do have family nearby but they cannot fill the hole he left in my life.  I think you are so lucky and should enjoy having such a special lady friend.

Good luck to you both.

Sandra x

Hi ,

My wife died last October and the same as Adele told me to find someone else after she was gone but my feelings change every day. Some days I can't accept the idea of living on my own for the rest of my life. I'm 60  and we met 42 years ago. But other days I consider myself so lucky to have had my time with Margi my soul mate, lover and best friend. Many people never have a wonderful lifelong relationship so I have been so lucky and am learning to appreciate the memories even if we can't make new memories together.

Sorry I'm waffling now. What I would say is I've decided not to look for a new partner but if I did encounter someone like you have that has made you "feel alive again" then I would see where that relationship took me. There's absolutely no reason why you can't have two wonderful relationships in a lifetime.

Take care

Ian

Hi all and thank you , for the replies I had read and the replies I had not seen until today.  I am still grieving and I know it’s not going to go away it’s just going to fade a little.  

As some one asked for an up date, myself and Claire are still moving along together , she still insists I talk about Adele and when sad days come she knows when to just leave me and when to just hold my hand.   

we have just survived 10 days wild camping around Scotland’s North coast in January without a crossword or sense of humour failer, so thing are good.

I do think that Adele is smiling down and laughing at us and our antics , sharing them.

I wish everyone hope for the future and that your happy on your own course.

Lee