My husband died last week

Hi 

I hope you are coping ok. What a beautiful thing to do having his funeral on his birthday. That’s a wonderful remark of respect for him so he did make it to is 70th. 

Reading your post how distressing you still have all the equipment and no ones been in touch. We nursed my Mum at hope but was lucky and I say this now because at the time I was unhappy with my Brothers for doing it so quick. The next day everything was gone one of my brothers friends ,it’s was his job by we’re we live to collect hospital beds commodes etc. So he come in and took the lot straight away. Reading your post I understand now why my brother acted so fast. I hope they pick them up soon for you. I’m so happy for you that you got to do all you old haunts and you all could say what you wanted to. 

Keep posting it does help Jane X 

Thanks Jane for your reply.

They picked it all up today and am relieved but guess it’s different for us all and maybe next day was too soon.

Started on clearing clothes today and seems so empty but pleased that things that can be sold will go to local cancer research and other stuff will go to Salvation Army for homeless people. Some good must come out of such a horrible situation.

100% it certainly does. My sister keeps saying she will move my Partners stuff but at the min I’m like no. Only because my mind still thinks he’s at the hospital. I keep thinking someone is going to wake me up and say it’s a dream. I have decided today the house we got I’m going to put it up for sale because it’s very painful, but part of me thinks will I regret that becaus he chose the house  we was initially buting it to make money we bought a run down house but was close to the motorway for his kids for him to have easy access to them. when the youngest left school we was goner sell. At the min I’m in two minds because I feel him constantly there with me wether it’s my mind I don’t know I was painting our conservatory last week and on the washing line a robin sat staring out me. Or if I go out in the car this robin is sitting on the garage roof top and just stares. My friends went to a Meduim the other week and she said your friends had a great lose but he’s with her when he comes back to Earth he’s a robin. I didn’t mention to my friends about this robin till they told me. So I’m like do I sell or not. The work we put into the house as made us a profit if I was to sell. But it’s not about that and I’d want it to go to his kids from previous relationships. I’m just hoping the pain eases so I could stay but I doubt it. 

Its a great way of thinking what u are doing helping out others in these tragic circumstances. You hear this all the time oh someone as lost this or that person. we go oh that’s so sad but my God little did we know how they suffered till it happens to us. 

Im so glad they took the stuff for you today x

So understand the bit about wanting to wake up from this horrible dream but wake up every morning at 4.30am the time I noticed his breathing had changed and he died an hour later.

I don’t know what’s right for you about the house but if you have happy memories there then don’t make that decision too soon. My husband was worried about dying at home as he didn’t want me to have to live in a house that he died in but I didn’t and don’t feel that way and was so glad that he died at home with myself and his two children with him. You could say it was perfect as bed was facing garden, sun was shining so patio doors were open so he could hear birds singing, soft music playing and us with him but dear god those last 36 hours were hell for us and him as he couldn’t speak and his face was distorted which is a memory that myself and children have to live with but wouldn’t change being at home with him and I am happy to live here as we chose it for our retirement.

i think you may be right about robin as we too had a robin visit our garden in the last day and didn’t eat any of the bird seed left on table but just sat and watched us so I hope it is your husband keeping an eye on you. I had a pact with my husband that if he could stick around after death he would to let me feel his presence as my aunt whose husband died over 20 years ago told us many times she feels his presence and says goodnight to him still. I am going to be looking out for that Robin.

It would have been our 48th wedding anniversary today and I found the card he got for me but sadly he hadn’t the energy to write it but I will still put it up. His anniversary card and his birthday card will go in his coffin with him. I don’t know if it will be a good thing or not but in future all anniversaries, death, birthday and wedding anniversary will be together end of May to middle of June so that is going to be hard.

You are so right about not knowing how painful losing your life partner is and looking at the other threads it doesn’t seem to get easier and feel ashamed now as in the past I have been one of those people who tried to encourage with sayings like he wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad all these years later but now I understand the pain as everyone else on here feels and will continue to feel that pain despite knowing that isn’t what my husband would want.

This site is a godsend to be able to say what you feel whilst trying to be brave and not distress your family.

Thank you for replying and sending a virtual hug to you x

Dear Lendial,

I am coming in late on this, but wanted to write this morning to say that I am very sorry for your loss but so glad that you were able to make the most of the last five months of your husband's life which, and I am sure of this, would not have been possible in the same way had he been on palliative Chemo. I also think it is a beautiful idea to hold the funeral on his birthday.

It's a pity that none of the nurses and care workers came back to see you and I can understand the feeling of abandonment that you describe. I would feel exactly the same I think, even though, as you say, they have a lot of work and probably have gone to many different families who need them. Still, it would have been nice to have a little more personal contact.

I hope you mind yourself in this difficult time. But I feel it may give you strength to know that you really made the most of your time together.

My husband passed away in May of last year. I I often feel that we could have made more quality time. But we did the best we could under very difficult circumstances particularly towards the end. And because nothing can be changed I am trying not to think about it.

Love and please keep posting whenever you feel like it, Mel.

Lendia l and Jane,

I would be careful not to clear out too soon. And I would certainly not make any big decisions like selling the house so soon after your husband's deaths.

I tried to clear out some of my husband's stuff last June, only a month after he had passed away, and I had to stop because I found it too painful. I still have many of his clothes in the woredrobe and his bookshelf full of books - even though I myself can't read them because of my vision impairment - but it feels good to have his things around me. As for the house, I couldn't sell it. Yes, all the memories are here, and while some of them are painful, I do feel it is our home and this is also the home of the man I love and of so many happy memories as well.

Of course it is entirely up to you what you do and don't do. I am only saying that from my experience it is not a good idea to do things too fast.

Loss is a traumatic experience. And while your systems are still trying to come to terms with what has happened, decisions may not be as well though through as they would be maybe in a year or two.

Love, Mel.

Happy anniversary for today he’s still with you and always will be. That’s a lovely thing to do put your cards out each year. I use to put the card my mum got me up for a few years later. I do believe they are still around us protecting us more so now then ever. Before when I told you about my friends going to see a Meduim. That morning I looked up to the sky and said you always said soon as you pass over you will be right by my side again so if you are, Because of your illness you couldn’t put that ring on my finger and you no I hate tattoos but I will get the cancer ribbon on my wedding finger for you. If you want me to do that then try and get through and let me know. I didn’t expect anything because I always thought you have to wait a year or so for a Meduim to pick them up. My friends come back they was sobbing both of them over the readings they had,  all accurate about there families. Then one of them mentioned the robin. The other friend went oh she did mention you and your loss to me but it wasn’t about a robin she just said keep a eye on your friend she’s in so much pain just be there for her. Then said is she thinking of getting a tattoo my friend went Jane never the lady went oh right well her partner is here now although he’s very faint because he’s new up there I’m sure he’s saying tell her he hopes her tattoo doesn’t hurt. I was absolutely gobsmacked I near fell of my chair. I just burst out crying and then told the girls what I said to him that morning. I have booked to see this Meduim but have to wait a few months she’s always booked up. So there definitely around us. I feel this cold feeling next to me when I sit on the chair we both sat on together. It might be my imagination I don’t know but it’s helping me cope.Your Husband sounds like he was a very blessed man to have you and his children around him. The way you have described the sun light and you all around him is perfect. I hope you can get them images of his final hours out of your head soon. Start thinking of the wonderful life you both had. I pray your robin stops by today for you being your wedding anniversary try and stay strong today sending you back a massive big viral hug x

Hi Lendial

Sorry that you have found yourself following your loss of your husband. I'm glad if you feel comfort from seeing the robin. May be because you've had some many things to sort do and organise it's not time to decide such big matters as moving yet. My husband died at home because that's what he wanted. There's many memories. I got rid of medical things a.s.a.p as it was a big reminder and a huge waste as a lot needs throwing away wasted medication ect. The nurses didn't contact me for about a month after.

You are right a lot of others will benefits from clothes ect. 

The "anniversaries" will be hard being all close together do what you feel you'd  like today as it's still a very special day. 

Finally I get the wake up time for you. After my husband died I'd be bolt upright adrenaline going ready to help him and there was nothing to do. Give yourself time to rest as well best wishes

Hi Mel

hope your day is going ok for you. I know your right about the house. We didn’t intend to stay here anyway before he was diagnosed it was just a stopgap if that made sense. I am probably just thinking if I sell I might not feel this pain, I won’t have these visions in my head we’re he’s standing in the kitchen with a big grin on his face trying to design it. Just things like that really but then I do get worried thinking well if I move will I not feel that he’s around me anymore. I know it’s still early days for me and my mind is constantly racing but it’s just a thought I am tapering with at the minute. Also the profit the house made I’d pass to his kids hoping that might help them out a bit. He was a very hands on Dad even though he was with me he still went and done everything for his kids he was an amazing Father and I know his passing is hitting them hard. I will take your advice though and wait a bit then see how I feel X 

I think that's a good idea. If you still feel the same later this year, you can put the house up for sale then. Not to rush things at this point is a good idea.

Also, I think we will always feel this pain of loss no matter where we are or what we do.

For me I know it has always been a comfort to be in the house where we had so much time together. It is as if he is particularly close to me when I am here. If I lived somewhere else, I don't know if I would feel the same way.

Paul always said to me that he would wish that once he was gone I would go back to Germany to be closer to my family. I can understand where he was coming from, but I don't think it would work for me.

Yes, thanks, my day was okay. Was a little bit busy in work today which was good.

Love, Mel.