Haunting memories.

Susie-46, whilst I am so sorry that you have endured this guilt also, you have given me hope that the memories of the good things that I did for my Dan will gradually outweigh the negative thoughts. Thank you so much, Mabeline

you are definitely not alone, I think most of us feel like this, especially as it hasn't been long.  Seven months seems so long and yet 28 weeks feels like yesterday.  The only thing my John said to me when he was told there was no treatment was "strange the cards life deals you"  He never talked about it with me and I so wish he had.  He did however tell my daughter everything he wanted done even to choosing the music. Vince Gill "go rest high on that mountain.  Don Williams "You're my Best Friend" for me.  He always called me "Pal". I used to tease him and say it was because he couldn't remember my name.  

I even hate saying "used to" or "would have" because it makes it real.

Keep posting here.  Although I cry readiing other peoples journey I feel it helps.

Sending you a hug and a wish for peace in your heart

Sandra

Hi Sandypops,

its been 15 weeks for me ,sometimes it feels like 15 months and sometimes like yesterday

we both knew he would lose the battle with cancer but not as quickly as he did , diagnosed end of Sept 18 , died 19/1/19

Am I correct that you both liked country music as we did? We didn’t talk about the end so Ichose the music at the funeral:

Entrance music.  Jonny Cash. 40 shades of green ,also as nod to his Irish roots

Music in the middle.  In dreams Roy Orbison

Leaving the Crem. willie Nelson , who we were luck enough to see live twice, singing on the road again , he was anHGV driver ,it seemed appropriate

The only thing my hubby said when he was told 6/12months to live was “well at least I’ll get another season watching the Latics”, his football team

So brave,so stoic

Best Wishes

John was a D.J. for 18 years. Weddings, Parties etc.and loved all kinds of music.  He had a playlist of over seven hundred songs on his phone.   When I hear music I can still enjoy it but can't sing along, the words just stay in my head.  John and our daughter went to quite a few gigs including Billy Joel, and the Eagles.  My son made copies of the playlist for each of John's sisters and his brother as gifts to remember him by.  

I wish you peace and love

Sandra

Hi 

I doubt there is one person here not feeling guilty. I feel guilt because my Partner wanted us to live together the yr before we actually did. I didn’t want to rush buying anywhere. I feel horrendously guilt not picking up he was so ill before he was diagnosed.I always thought Lung cancer was coughing up blood, short of breathing, my Partner had none of that just a pain in his shoulder blade and lower back. He went for a X-ray and bang our world turned upside down. Soon as we got the diagnosis I frantically started searching the internet for everything and anything that would help him. Only then did I realise he had so many symptoms. Weight loss. He put this down to his X the stress she was causing him and she was forever trying to split us up. Hardly eating, Id cook him something he’d be starving but would hardly eat half of it and he’d be full. Fatigue sleeping a lot more. He put this down to just being so content in his life now. He’d had a few stressful lonely years even though he was married he felt so alone then he left eventually meet me and felt so content in his words so he thought he was just sleeping a lot better. I am racked with guilt why didn’t I spot these signs. last year he’d had a few scans and X-rays because he wasn’t feeling right and believe it or not they all come back clear only for late last year  we found out he’s riddled with cancer. round about now last year we had a tiff and I was tired and said to him oh just stop acting sick you have had nearly every test under the sun and yet it’s not good enough for you your still convinced there is something wrong with you. I can’t even get to the part yet we’re he was diagnosed and started to fade away before my eyes Im still riddled with guilt of that comment I said to him and I always will be till the day I go I was trying to get him to snap out the mood he was feeling little did I know what we was about to be hit with. 

 Sending you hugs Jane x

Hugs and thoughts to all those suffering guilt. It has only been a month for me, but the guilt is paralyzing some days. I am reliving issues we dealt with 10 years ago, I feel guilty for working such long hours, I feel guilty that I thought he was just being a grumpy, crabby and lazy old man when in fact he was living with a brain tumor. He couldn't help it. I was a nag and not very patient. Our children were grown and it was about time to start slowing down with the farm and my work and start taking more time to enjoy. I feel guilty that he spent so much time alone when he was first diagnosed. He was ok to stay alone and I felt like I needed to keep my job to pay the bills. When he started to get weaker and cognitive issues made it more difficult to be alone I reduced my hours and eventually stayed with him full time. I spoke to a counselor who told me that when I am feeling depressed my brain is allowing negative thoughts to be predominant . I keep thinking about things I didn't do or should have done and if I allow myself to just close down and shut out people those thoughts will just get worse and worse. As I read the entries that this group has written I can see that you all did the best you could given the circumstances. As they say hind sight is 20/20. If we had been given time to write a plan or been told what we were going to be faced with we might have done things differently. We all did some things right.. thanks to those who has pointed that out.. I am trying hard to find something positive to think about each day. My worst part of the day is when I walk into the empty house. I know it would be easy to just plunk myself in a chair and have a pity party, but I also know that I need to move forward. I have a friend who lost her husband at Christmas time, and another whose husband is dealing with health issues. I decided that I need them, but maybe they need me too. We can comfort each other... and I am grateful for those of you in this group for doing that as well. It may sound dumb but knowing that the feelings you are having is "normal" gives me peace of mind.     

Morning All, 

Do you know what speaks volumes here to me. When I am reading your posts I’m like oh bless don’t feel guilty. You done your best in this situation and the rest of you are all the same incouraging us all not to feel bad or letting us know these are normal feeling because you are also feeling this tremendous guilt. What strikes me is why can we feel and say uplifting worlds to one another saying it’s normal don’t feel like that and yet we cannot do it for ourselves no matter how hard we try to think of positive things. It’s weird isn’t it the pain we feel and when we see on here someone else in this pain and guilt  and we try and comfort each other yet we can't instill it in ourselves to try not to feel guilty it’s like we are punishing ourselves and yet our loved ones would be mortified if they seen the pain we are in. I try to picture mine looking down upset for the way I am feeling because I know he would hate seeing anyone upset let alone me. I try to picture the way we’d race home from work shut the door and curl up me and him against the world and yet I can’t just yet. I am truly hoping this guilt faze of grieving is the worst part because I hope and pray it’s doesnt get any more painful for us all. 

I hope you all have a good day today hugs to you all Jane x

Ah Jane I so understand where you are coming from when talking about the guilt. And I don't need to tell you that there is no need for feeling guilty because it was a very stressful time for you too and there was a lot of fear and naturally tension and then we are also trying to convince ourselves that it is not so bad... I don't need to say all this to you because you know these things yourself. But, as much as we know them, we can't help feeling guilt.

I feel very guilty for having shouted in despair at my husband on his last day at home when he would repeatedly put the water glass that I had just given him back down on the table, "Can you not do what I tell you and drink the f***ing water and help me at least a little when I am looking after you?!" The poor thing! I just didn't see at the time that it would have been much better for him if I had given him a straw and that he was simply not drinking because he couldn't.

I feel guilty for having dragged him out for a little walk that morning around the house, just in the hope it would help him to feel a little better, and he couldn't walk far and had to sit down and the only place there was to sit was the pavement - a very bad place to sit down on because it is so low that it is hard to get up from it when you don't have any strength left in your legs - but again I didn't think, and when I wanted him to get up he couldn't get up and I said, "Common Paul, do it" and things like that, until a lady came over and helped us. It was such torture for him!

I feel guilty for every harsh word I have ever spoken, for each time I have maybe lost my temper, for each moment when he may have felt that I was letting him down. Well, I know I didn't, but there are so many things I feel I could have done better.

So I completely understand where you are coming from. But I think the important thing is to realise for all of us that we did our best. And they know that too.

Love and hugs

Mel.

Looking back I feel so guilty for accusing my husband of being lazy. I was working full time all week and, all weekend, having to do everything for our (then) toddler daughter. He was working from home and had very little work on. I just couldn’t comprehend how he could came to be so tired when it was me that was on the go non-stop. Little did we know that he was riddled with cancer.

But, when I’m being kinder to myself, I realise that there’s no way we could have known. At age just 36 and a non-smoker, he has none of the risk factors for lung cancer. As someone else said, we need to try and be as kind and forgiving to ourselves as we are to other posters.

So true we really do all need to try to be kinder also to ourselves. It was second time around for both myself and my partner both been in long marriages split and then we meet each other. He chased me for so long I ended up falling in love with him because he just wouldn’t give up ha, although the attraction was there straight away with myself also. I wasn’t looking for another relationship I wanted to be on my own for a few years. What puzzles me now also is I never once got involved with him and his X. He’d say how she was saying this or doing that basically emotionally blackmailing him is words. Yet I feel so guilty now I didn’t step up with him if that made sense. I sort of looked at her side thinking I wouldn’t like my X new partner getting involved with anything to do with us. I look back now and think why didn’t I. Although there marriage had been dead for years and he’d moved out she’s was Holidaying  here there and everywhere with her mates she wasn’t interested. Soon as I come on the seen that changed she’d emotionally blackmailing him over there kids. Made sure every penny he worked for went to her and the kids. At the time though I thought it was right they were is kids after all. She told his kids oh your Dads got a new Partner now so she’s is main priority now not use. there was murder when we bought our house. He’d say she just doesn’t want me to be happy and yet I still didn’t say anything to her. The most shocking part I found was even when he was diagnosed and he told her it was all about money to her not the fact her kids father is dying, the last few years of his life she done what ever she could to make him so sad. I have never seen a man cry like he use to he’d work himself up thinking we would spilt up because of her. A friend said to me the other week she will be destroyed with guilt now she tried so hard to take away his happiness and yet some how I don’t think she will because there is certain people out there that are just for themselves and don’t care about others I feel guilty I didn’t intervene on some occasions the state my poor man would get in over his kids. But to me at the time I thought I was showing her she wasn’t getting to us by me not reacting. At his funeral my friends were looking over at her she didn’t shed a tear once. He was, oh how I hate saying was il refase that he is such a gentle funny loving man and his last few years of his life he didn’t deserve his heart to be blackmailed like that it eats me up so much inside now. 

Hugs to you all Jane X