Haunting memories.

Hello mabeline,

Firstly, I would like to say how sorry I am for your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time going over the events of the time when your husband was so ill, thinking of his distress and suffering, and thinking of things you feel you could have done or perhaps should have done differently. To a certain extend this is a normal part of the grieving process and I think most of us on here have experienced or are experiencing this to some extend. I can tell you that after my husband's death last May I felt guilty for a good few things that I had done or said during the last days and weeks of his life and I also felt that I should have reacted differently in conversations with doctors and nurses at times. And I certainly found myself crying a lot just because I felt so so sorry for my husband and what he had been going through in the last couple of days in particular. The thing is that, while this is normal to do in the grieving process, I feel it is important that we bbreak with these thoughts after some time. Because the thoughts are not helpful. Particularly the ones asking yourself what you should have done differently, could have done differently, should have said, should not have said, should have done, should not have done, all of those thoughts are in a way pointless because the situation is as it is now and you cannot change the past, all these thoughts will do is keep you feeling low and down on yourself, blaming yourself, not liking yourself. As for remembering your husband's suffering, I am sure you have done that so many times by now. Perhaps you could try to introduce a difvferent thought each time you think of that; perhaps you could end this thinking process each time by saying: But I know that now he is not suffering anymore. He is at peace now. His usffering is over. And that is a good thing. Again, you cannot do anything about the suffering your husband had to go to. But you can acknowledge now that he passed away and that his suffering has come to an end. Do you know what I mean?

Love, Mel.

I also have these thoughts and honestly try not to dwell on them. I know I did everything I was able to. I never left my husband's side and he wasn't alone and I hope he felt loved and not too frightened.

My regret is we didn't have meaningful conversations. I was never with him on my own, either his mum or our children were always present. Which is absolutely what he wanted and how it had to be. But I wonder did he know how proud of him I was, how I was going to miss him and wished we had longer together. He was only 47 when he passed away. 

I have to tell myself he knew, and make peace with that. I cannot go back and do things differently so have to let it go.

You must have lots of lovely memories and try to think of those rather than the ones which bring you more pain and cannot be changed. 

We all did our best in an absolutely traumatic time

Sorry, I perhaps should add that what I have just written is exactly how I have been dealing with it.

For example, I used to feel terrible for the fact that on the last day when my husband was at home I always wanted him to drink more water, I knew it was vital for him to drink, but he always put the glass down once I had handed it to him, until I finally screamed in despair, "Can you not just do what I am telling you to do? Just drink the water! Why are you making it so difficult for me?!" But of course he couldn't drink it. He would have needed a straw to drink it, and also some encouragement by me, gentle and kind, to drink. But I didn't have the strength anymore to be kind and patient. I only got that strength back once we were in hospital and I had nurses and doctors behind me who were helping. I used to blame myself so so much for this incident, you wouldn't believe it; I cried over it, I was angry with myself, I hated myself for it, I felt so sorry for Paul for it as if he was still here and I could give him a hug and tell him how very sorry I was... Until, one day, I said to myself: I have to stop this because what's done is done! And it worked. I have not been thinking about it since. The memory comes back of course, like now when I am writing to you about it, but it is not with the same pain and feeling of guilt.

Love, Mel.

Hi Ruby Diamond

I too have regrets that I didn't really speak to my darling very much but I held his hand & cuddled him in th Hospice we were lucky enough to have a double bed for the last few nights of his life which was lovely.I held him when he died & I am so grateful for that I was with him but I should have said so much more than I did but as you said we can't do anything about it now so must try & forget all those sad things & try to believe I did my best I had never been in that place before so how could I know what to do. I am so happy that although I didn't speak to him very much I held him & kissed him all the time . I do hope he knew I was with him I didn't leave his side .only for the odd shower & toilet breaks. Miss him so much really struggling tonight. Nite nite hope you sleep tonight.

love & hugs 

jojo xxx

Hi Mel

I know exactly what you mean about drinking he just wouldn't do it & I feel so guilty that I got cross with him but it's too late now & I do feel so bad hope he knew I was trying to do my best I just have to live with it but it hurts so much I didn't mean to hurt him I just wanted him to live. 

So sorry all but really relate to all that you are all saying it's so so sad & I am so unhappy tonight.

love & hugs 

jojo xxx

You are not alone Mabelne I feel the same as you it's horrible but I am sure they knew how we felt . Well I really hope so. Take care.

love & hugs 

jojo xxx

Mabeline, you are certainly not alone in feeling how you do.  I am pretty sure everybody on this site has the same feelings and regrets.  We are only human and we all did the best we could under the most awful circumstances.   Guilt is a wasted emotion I have often been told, but always by people who have never been in this situation.   I hope they never are.  I am at three years now and can divert my thoughts away from the guilt but, I know I will always wish I had said this, or done that.   But I can also think of the many things I did get right over the 4 years of cancer treatments, and how I was with Paul every step of the way, as I am sure you were too. 

It is impossible to get everything right and sadly, in the early days of grief our brains seem to get stuck repeating over and over the last few days of our loved one's  life.   I am so sorry you are going through this as I know how these emotions can just take over everything.  But time does make it easier to live with - it really does.

Sending a hug. 

Yes, Susie46, I think this is so true. For me it will be one year next Wednesday. I remember how guilty I felt for so many things in the first weeks and months after Paul's death. The same situations would come into my mind over and over, and it seemed like I had no choice but to play the whole thing through again and again, always feeling the same pain, the same regret, the same guilt. But, over time, like yourself, I started to remember the things that I did get right again too and felt how much I was with Paul every step of the way and was also able to give myself some credit for what I did, something like saying, "Yes, I didn't get it right all of the time perhaps, but it was a very difficult and sad situation with a lot of physical, emotional and mental stress, and I am sure I did the best I could." So, to everyone on here who feels very guilty right now, I would say: Hang in there, you will be feeling that for a while, but you will begin to feel other things too and put more perspective on things.

Love, Mel.

MelanieL, thank you so much for your encouraging comments. You made a very valid point in saying how the strain and distress in caring for a dying loved one can cause us to react adversely towards them, ie with impatience and annoyance etc.  The fact that your guilt has become less sharp with time has given me hope. Thank you Mabeline

Yes jojo, if two people know each other so well, then hopefully they know how the other feels without words being said. I will try and console myself with that. Thank you, Mabeline