Haunting memories.

Ah Jane, I so much understand how this eats you up inside.

My husband was 59 years old when we met. I was 27 years old. We met at a Buddhist seminar to which he had come all the way from Dublin to the small town of Marburg in Germany. I was living there at the time. The course was mostly international. But some of the lectures were given in German. Not very helpful for someone with now German :-( One day he was sitting behind me when this happened and so I turned around and asked him would he like a translation. He agreed. And from that moment forward we were inseparable. Even when he had to go back to Dublin a couple of days later, we stayed in touch per email and phone three or four times a day, visited one another whenever we could and eventually, one year later, decided that we wanted to spend the rest of our loife together and so I moved to Ireland. 

Paul had been living with his mum all his life. And when he told her that he had found the love of his life and was going to move out, their relationship changed completely. He was no longer her Paul, so she didn't want him anymore. I remember his birthday a short time after we had moved to our first flat when his sister came to visit us to say happy birthday and she said, "Mum says I have to tell you that she forgot your birthday. She doesn't want to think of it and doesn't want to say happy birthday." What contempt! And how silly of the sister to even mention it! But, you see, they were all in it together. Once Paul didn't do any longer what they had in mind for him, he was pushed away, treated badly, treated with contempt. And yet, he had done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. This unfairness still sometimes makes me cry. His mum is long gone - she passed away in 2012 - and I have no contact to the sisters. It's a longer story than this but I don't even want to get into it. Just to say that Paul didn't deserve what he got from all of them and I hated them for doing what they did to his poor heart.

Love, Mel.

Ahh Mel bless you Two.

but how bloody disgusting and disrespectful was his mother and that sister. Il leave that there before I start swearing on here. I just don’t know how they live with themselves. My Partners oldest Daughter to a previous relationship emailed me the other week saying I just want you to know thankyou for loving my Dad and making him happy. We exchanged a few emails she’s worried if the step mother finds out she will try and stop contact with her and her younger half siblings who she adores. I just thought this woman still has so much control she’s so bitter and nasty and makes out she’s this some sort of victim. I feel like texting her and saying stop making this about you and be there for your kids or go back to your weekends away with your mates and sister but then I Believe in Karma and think these type of people surly can’t get away with how they act and destroy people. Apparently her daughter according to the step daughter wants to speak to me and have a relationship she adored her Dad like he did her and so sad she’s scared she will upset her Mum even though she knows there marriage was over for years apparently there Dad was sleeping on the couch for years before he meet me he never told me that but then again I didn’t really like him speaking over his marriage. But I said to the oldest girl I will be here for you all and I understand what you are saying but your Dad loved you all and you all know I don’t need to tell you that he was a very hands on Dad done everything for his kids. The daughter said to her older sister Mum just needs to get back out on the Ale again of a weekend are family would feel normal again then that’s what we was used to only Dad wouldn’t be sitting in with us then going to pick her drunken ass up later X 

Im still holding out she might one day say there is your Dads love if you want a relationship with her then do so don’t get me wrong I know it must be hard for her but she didn’t love him she didn’t want him just his money  so why punish the kids making them feel bad if they spoke to me has I  said before I believe in Karma and one day it will all come back on her in ten folds what she’s done X 

Dear Mabeline

My husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour in May last year, just a month after he had some seizures that came out of the blue. I find that one year on I am reliving that time - his struggles with mobility and speech and acceptance of what was happening. I wonder how I actually kept going at that time, what I could have done differently to help him. All the posts here show that this isn't uncommon - when you love someone so much, watching them suffer is unbearable as is the feeling of helplessness.  I don't think there is much alternative other than to trust that time will help to restore some sort of balanced perspective on a lifetime together, not just those final months. Thinking of you. 

Acadademilcy blonde 

I thought yesterday your name on her rang a bell to me. I have just realise my dear sis who passed in January would read your posts over your Man and was upset when she found out he passed. My sis only lasted a few weeks longer. I remover she’s read them saying this poor woman’s got her hands full trying to work a young child and both her and her partner still so young. You really do need to remember the good times like I said in my last post it’s easier said then done but what you have and still are been through your strength speaks volumes in your posts and still such a young age life is so bloody unfair take good care of yourself and I hope you don’t mind me saying about my sis God love her she’s worry over you and a couple of others that posted in the lung group big hugs X 

MyLove,

I was so sorry to hear about the loss of both your sister and husband in such close succession. Such a lot for you to process. My husband’s story does seem to strike a chord for a lot of people. He was certainly memorable in life too, so perhaps that’s apt. 

I am coping day by day. My daughter is amazing and keeps me going but it is all so relentless and sometimes I just long for a day off from life. (I am back working full time. I went back 2 months after Bruce died).

Sending you lots of love and strength.

xx

Hi Mel

I’ve just read you post and it’s how I’ve been feeling since my husband died last  September.  I thought the guilt I felt may pass but it never does.... the last week of his life all he wanted to do was to come home, so we cleared out a room had a hospital bed ordered but the next day the hospital said he was too ill , he was angry coz in his head coming home would make him better , two days later he went into a Hospice and passed  away the next day...... I think I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life for not getting him home although I know it was taken out of my hands.... I hate my life but know I have to move on, I’ve tried clearing out some of his clothes but it feels as tho I’m trying to get rid of him (if that makes sense) so can’t do it, we were married for 40 years but have known each other for 50 , does it really ever get better !!