Dreading going back to work tomorrow

Hi, firstly sorry for your loss.

My wife passed away last year at the age of 35 following a three year battle with breast cancer.  My work too were very understanding during her illness and allowed me to be with her for the last few weeks of her life.

The directors of the company came to her funeral and assured me of thier ongoing support for which i was truly grateful.  Within a week however, I was being asked to come back into the office.  The best I could manage back then was getting out of bed let alone trying to go to work, but I was almost being forced to go in.

This happended for a few weeks until I finally told my bosses that I couldnt cope with work at that point.  I was coming into the office and staring at my computer screen achieveing nothing.  I explained this again to the directors and they understood that I was simply not ready to be there, and was achieving nothing at all by coming and in fact, it was making me worse!

If you do not feel ready to face work you must speak with your employers and explain that you cannot focus on work at present and you need to be allowed to grieve.  In time, you will be able to do more with your days but during the early stages, getting up and going to bed is about all you can manage.

Hopefully, if you explain to your bosses that you need more time they will understand.

Good luck and best wishes

Craig

x

HI SUZIQ69 IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS BUT YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE- THIS IS A WONDERFUL SITE WITH AMAZING PEOPLE WHO KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH

EVERYONE IS AFFECTED BY GRIEF IN DIFFERENT WAYS AND GRIEVE IN DIFFERENT WAYS AND IF YOUVE NEVER EXPERIENCED A LOSS YOU CANT EVEN IMAGINE THE PAIN THATS FELT

YOU COULD SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER AND EXPLAIN HOW YOURE FEELING AND MAYBE SORT OUT A PHASED RETURN TO WORK WHEN YOU ARE READY ??? THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS NOT TOO PUSH YOURSELF TOO HARD AND DO TOO MUCH - TRY TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME 

AND MAYBE SEE YOUR GP- THEY CAN SIGN YOU OFF WORK FOR LONGER AND MAYBE SORT OUT COUNSELLING FOR YOU ???

I WISH ID HAD COUNSELLING WHEN MY DAD DIED BUT I THOUGHT I WAS STRONG AND JUST TRIED TO CARRY ON BUT LOOKING BACK I THINK TALKING THINGS THROUGH MIGHT HAVE HELPED ME COPE BETTER

I WISH I COULD BE OF MORE HELP.TO.YOU X

JUST KNOW WE ARE ALL ON HERE READY TO LISTEN AND OFFER WHATEVER COMFORT AND HELP WE CAN- YOU ARE NOT ALONE XX

SENDING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY BIG HUGS XX

TAKE CARE LOVE MISSY XX

Hi Craig, thank you so much for taking time to reply. I can't begin to imagine how you coped with the loss of your wife so young and I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing your experience as it is a lonely place to be at the moment.

I feel obliged to go back to work as they have been so good to me through the last year. My parents live 240 miles away from my home and I have managed to work from their house and care for my mum around working. Now I feel they expect the favour to be repaid. On the phone my manager said something along the lines of "I got a good sense of what a strong, vibrant woman your mum was and I know she would want you to put your work clothes on and get back to work". I still feel angry about that as it now seems like emotional blackmail. I was too stunned to say anything at the time.

Sorry for the rant!

I will see if I have the opportunity to explain how I am barely sleeping or functioning but I believe they will see it as a sign of weakness!

Take care, Suzi x

Hi Missy, thank you so much for taking the time to reply a share your experience. I really appreciate it. I am sorry for your loss too.

I think a phased return is a good idea and will try to remember to suggest that when I see my manager today. I am still worried about being perceived as weak as she is a brusque 'get back on the horse when you've fallen off' sort of person!

I may have to sew my GP anyway as I am struggling to sleep so that's a good idea too.

Thanks so much, Suzi x

Hi Suziq69

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I also lost my lovely Mum to cancer in September and my lovely Dad to lung cancer in May.  Exactly 4 months before Mum died.

I had about 3 weeks off work before and after Dad died but only 6 days with Mum.  I work on average about 50 hours a week.  I felt obliged to go back to work.  My boss was ok when Dad died but with Mum he wasn't as sympathetic.  He even made me go into work the day after Mums funeral.  

t struggled on for a couple of weeks but I was so exhausted I ended up going to the Doctor who said (when i'd explained everything) that I hadn't been given enough time to grieve.  So at the moment i've been signed off sick for however long I need.  I am also looking for another job with less hours.  

If you can afford to then get signed off sick and give yourself a chance to get your head around things.  I always thought i was a strong person but sometimes things just catch up with you.

I hope you get some comfort from what other people have written on this site.  It has helped me enormously.  We are all going through the same emotions and there is always help there if you need it.

Put yourself first and look after yourself.

Sue x

Hi Sue, Thank you so much for your message. It is true that hearing others experiences provides support when you feel like you're alone going through this awful time.

I am so sorry for your own losses. Losing both parents so quickly must be unbearable. You are in my thoughts.

I went back to work Monday & Tuesday but because I'm not sleeping very much I am completely exhausted. I am planning to go to the doctor to see if they can give me some help with sleeping and I will see if I can summon up courage to ask to be signed off for a while.

I was off work for 3 weeks (1 of which was pre-booked annual leave) and feel guilty that my colleagues and team have already had to carry the extra work for that time. It's sometimes difficult to look after yourself when you're worried about the wider team but I know you're right.

Suzi x

Hi everyone and im so sorry for your losses>Strangley i asked my new boss this question on saturday.both parents have terminal cancer that is being monitored and controlled with chemo.Our company has just been taken over after 10yrs so i was told 3 days unpaid leave then they will sort something out.I just wanted to know where i stood before i was already in the situation.How can any boss think you are ready straight after the funeral ? last winter i was exhausted just seeing my 2 getting chemo and all side effects for 9 months.I struggled on but was on autopilot .I hope you can work something out with the GP as i was told they would sign me off when the time comes, take care Paula x

Paula

My advice is, spend as much time with your parents as you can and put the job down the priority list, where there is life there is always hope, but if the worst happens  you will regret all your life what you think you should have done. Your parents are more precious than any wage but you will only feel this if they go. and its very painful.Your parents are here today so make the most of them. 

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. 

 When my dad died I was off work for two weeks.  My work were very understanding, as they had been when I had to rush off whenever he was admitted to hospital.  The first 2 days back after the funeral were the hardest.  I knew people knew what had happened and they were very kind but I couldn't cope with their kindness and I did have to go home early on the first day  Now 11 weeks later I have been going through the motions to the point where I wonder if they are wondering how sad I am.  I chat and talk although all focus on work has gone, as it has been gone since April. The grief is with me always.  There was a period of grace for a few weeks and after that I felt like I had to just get on with things.

I wish I had just said no, I'm not ok I need more time.  I'm still not ok but feel I have to get on with it now.  If you don't feel like you can go into work then don't.  Forcing yourself only stores up more emotional grief later on as I have found.  You should go to see your doctor.  Not sleeping doesn't help, I know this.  You can't focus on anything least of all work and right now you should be focusing on yourself and your family.  Rushing a return to 'normal life' wont help you in the long run.

Talk to your manager.  They may be more sympathetic than you think.  They will surely want you back at work when you are ready and can do your job. If you do go back please take care of yourself and please don't think you are failing if you just get 'enough done' to get through the day. 

I am just taking one day at a time.  Some are better than others although most are still bad but I think it can help to be with people instead of shutting yourself away, even if that is how you feel.  But just take your time and remember if you are not ready then don't go.

Susan

Thank you everyone for your replies. I didn't understand before now how these forums could provide such support emotionality and mentally. 

It's day 5 of my return to work and only 19 days since my mum passed away and 9 days since the funeral. I am going into work each day but I'm only there as a physical presence - I'm not managing to focus to do anything worthwhile. My brain just feels it's on pause and I feel like my heart has been broken inside.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday to see if they can help with not sleeping. I am considering asking if they will sign me off for a little while but I'm still worried I will be perceived as weak and not up to the job if I do, as well as worrying about the extra pressure it continues to put on my team.

Suzi x